Insecure boyfriend driving me mad >_< Help!

[Panda]

Hello, I'm new here, here's the deal..

I've been with this guy for a while now, we're both 21 and things were going well. Except, now that he's more used to me, it's as if he's starting to show his "real self", all of his insecurities and his jealousy. He's also started to be really possessive, if we're in public and he spots some attractive man, he makes an effort to kiss me JUST infront of a guy. Ugh.

He asks me if he's better looking than actors in films. The whole time I have to sit there, nodding and saying "yes..yes....yes" like some sort of dummy just to stroke his ego. One night I got sick of it, he asks almost every time we watch a movie. So i just said "Look, you're both very different people, I can't compare. It's you I'm with!" and he went NUTS!

He's not abusive but he went on and on about how I'm *meant* to see him as the best looking, most intelligent, most inspiring, most interesting etc person. It's like, he thinks that's a MUST. He gets so offended, totally insulted that, god forbid, I might think another artist is more talented, or someone else is more intelligent. So what? it's true isn't it? If he's so good at everything then what's he doing wasting his "talents" when he could be a damn professor, award winning artist, model, etc... (he's none of these, whatsoever)

He reads my comments on my myspace from male friends, the asks me later on "what did this guy mean by this...". I told him it's none of his business and he gave me the "I'm you boyfriend! I HAVE A RIGHT"... crap again. Then he says that by watching my page (reading all my comments), he's "watching over", or policing my page to keep me safe (bullsh**!)

If we dont see eachother that day, we MUST talk atleast an hour on MSN. And on MSN i MUST tell him i love him atleast three times or he gets upset and starts saying that I think other guys are better looking.

Am I in the wrong? It's really starting to irritate me.

[starbuck]

No, you're not in the wrong. It sounds irritating. You need to tell him that his insecurities and jealousies are seriously bothering you, and that he may lose you over it if he doesn't cut it out.

If you have and he hasn't changed, maybe it's time to change boyfriends.

[jennyc]

It sounds like he has some major self esteem issues! Remember. if he keeps doing this, he prob won't change. I suggest you talk to him or stop submitting to his quirks and see hwo he reacts to it. If he flips each time u dont say i love u an extra time, ur in for a long, windy road.

[Gribble]

So long as you're being punished for it you may as well enjoy the crime.

[Kromat]

Wow! guys sure like to be control all the time, don't they?
How can you compare yourself to an actor? do you make as much as him?
own what they do? it's not all looks that makes someone attractive.
Kissing in front of people is just wrong, it has to be a spontaneous moment where both of you are feeling it.
He seems like an attention whore, and needs someone to break his ego, or he'll just keep hurting others.
He should be glad to have someone in his life, and not think like he's better than you, every chance he gets.

I hate it how people like him are able to get a girlfriend, but people that truly
know how to treat women are left wondering what they do wrong.

Women all seem to want these bad boys, but look happens when they are abused, over controlled,
busted, accident, or even dead because they go after the wrong people all the time.

With people like this around, my chances to find a girl are very slim to none.

[lesa]

No you are not in the wrong. However, you are setting yourself to an abusive relationship.

[GrkScorp]

No you are not in the wrong. However, you are setting yourself to an abusive relationship.

Looks like you found yourself quite the catch..

Here's the problem with insecurity and insecure people.., it's not usually an external cause.., it's internal.. In fact.., it's caused by the ego..

I don't know what thoughts come to mind when you hear the word "ego".., but it's not negative.. Think of it as a part of your thinking that constantly tries to place you in a "better off" position relative to everyone else around you.. If you're curious and want to learn more about the ego.., a worthy read is..

[ame]http://www.amazon.com/Egonomics-Makes-Greatest-Expensive-Liability/dp/1847371221/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221531528&sr=8-1[/ame]


This is what motivates emotions such as greed.., and fuels competition.. But it's also what makes us as humans.., very self-critical in a quest towards perfection.., when we realize that we're not perfect.., our immediate reaction is denial.., whenever we're reminded how less than perfect we are.., it brings us this unpleasant feeling.., in fact.., a whole bunch of unpleasant feelings.. Those things that create those feelings are insecurities..

But it's almost a complete waste of time to try and discover a person's insecurities.. (yes.., that's right)

The reason being.., insecurities are obvious.., because of the people they belong to.., People who are self-critical.., perfectionists.., and self-centered..

You know the type.., the people that can't finish reading what other people write.., because unless they wrote it themselves.., it's probably not worth reading.., they skim through it looking for any important information and fail to ignore the fact that the person who wrote it.., used every word in an effort to express that important information.. They're the type that either flat out reject.., or pretend to consider other people's opinions and views.., but digest them or twist them in a self-serving way..

You know the type.., they believe that because they're men or women.., up to date or older.., city dwellers or blue collar workers.. that they know.., more than you.., and they're the only ones who know.. The thought never occurs to them that outside their mental prison.., other people are having thoughts just like them.., maybe some people feel the same way.., maybe some people are actually considerate.., and they end up back to square one.., the ego..

It motivates people to succeed and better themselves.., but it's also the biggest road-block to change.., improving.., and learning..

"You'll never really start to appreciate yourself.., until you become fully aware and accept just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things"

The point of all that was:

He may require more effort than it's worth.. Simply because.., he's not willing to listen.., and i'm not talking about "not willing to change into the way YOU want him to be".., No.., his lack of willingness to listen to you on that is well justified..

I'm talking about his willingness to accept and understand that they way he sees things.., the way he thinks about things.., are all through his point of view.. That doesn't make them wrong.., it makes them unique.. And.., when he accepts and understands that.., then he has to come to realize that his unique point of view.., is not the only point of view out there.. There are many points of view.., and just because one of them is his own.., doesn't automatically make it right..

The problem with egotistical and insecure people is that instead of being honest with themselves and accepting this.., they will go into denial and try to reject it.. They'll find many ways.., the most common way (no offense) is the "girly method".. Named after what little girls do.., shifting attention and focus to the other person.., framing it in such a way that it's the other person who is being irrational and has a problem.. making every possible effort to deny the truth to themselves.. hiding behind childish tactics.. this failure to accept the truth of the situation makes personal change.., improvement.., and learning almost impossible..

This is why men generally don't bother with these kinds of women after a while.. This is why I suggest you do the same with him! Just because he's a guy doesn't mean that different rules apply.. He might be attractive and sexually appealing.., he might have some moments where he's really sweet and thoughtful and makes you feel great.., he may be very disciplined and geared towards success.., a great career.., great education.., a wealthy family.., etc.. and the appeal of stability and security for your future and your children one day may create an attractive fantasy for anyone to get lost in.., BUT! "He" isn't the only guy out there with these things!

He's a commodity in the dating market.., and like all commodities.., he's replaceable.. EASILY!

I'm sure you're a very caring.., loving.., and sensitive person who only wants to make others feel good and help out in any way she can.. But that leaves the window open for him to take advantage of that.., for you to be a doormat.., and more importantly.., for you to waste your time.., energy.., and mental sanity on someone who will most likely.., never change..

Start planning your exit.., and call me for drinks when everything is done and over with..

Best,

GrkScorp

[starbuck]

Good points, Lesa and Grk. Kind of makes you wonder why she's putting up with it. Some people get perverse pleasure out of someone else's insecurities. I'm not saying this is necessarily you Panda, but you do seem to be putting up with alot of BS for this guy. It might be good to ask yourself why.

Have you told him how you feel? That this behavior is an issue for you?

Actually, for me his behavior would be worse than irritating. The guy would have been out the door the minute he started up with this crap.

[Panda]

Thanks guys! Your replies an advice are appreciated!

We argued today about money and careers. He said to me "It doesn't matter if we don't do well in uni... we've got love, that's all that matters"

When I argued back that love isn't going to get us a place to live, or money to live on, he got all angry again, stating that if I loved him I wouldn't care about money (WTF? Im not money obsessed but I dont want to live on the streets either.)

Another thing that annoys me is when I'm talking to a (married) male friend on myspace, this friend speaks and types in Korean alot (I've been learning korean on and off because Im friends with his sister)...Anyway, when this guy sends me a simple sentence in korean, my boyfriend will go and translate it on babelfish! Just to see what that guy said, and if he doesn't understand anything, he' got the nerve to ask me! Argh and he doesn't even understand why i get annoyed by that!

There's another part to this, which I didn't mention. My boyfriend is physically disabled. I didn't mention it because it doesn't really matter to me, but.. he insists that his insecurities lie on the fact of him being disabled. Do you guys think it changes anything?

Part of me thinks he's using that somehow, as an excuse to continue going on like this. Every time I tell him he's being ridiculous, he turns around with "I worry because of my disability". Am I being awful or harsh to think this? He's really stating to get on my nerves, I can't help it.

Women all seem to want these bad boys, but look happens when they are abused, over controlled,
busted, accident, or even dead because they go after the wrong people all the time.

The thing is, he's not a "bad boy" type at all. He's quite the opposite, to the point that it irritates me sometimes. What I mean is, I like good guys, which he is but, he's too much... He's Mr right, cant do anything wrong, Mr high standard and morals...according to him at least.

He talks as if he's got some sort of guide on "How to be in a relationship" that he follows word for word. That how, as his girlfriend, i SHOULD think this way or that way, I SHOULD only see him in a room full of men etc

I'm not one of those who enjoy, or get a pleasure out of it, in fact, there's nothing enjoyable about it at all. Every day I'm with him I can feel myself starting to see him get more and more pathetic and whiny. He's not the guy I fell for.

But then, as soon as I even hint at a break up, he starts apologizing, panicking almost that I might leave him. "Oh no, I'm sorry! Ive been stupid! i love you etc etc etc"... and like a fool i think to myself "Maybe he's seen sense?"...But it never changes.

I think, even me writing all this, and keeping all of this inside for so long is telling me that I don't love him anymore, I've just been unable to see it.

[Gribble]

You allow your boyfriend to scrutinize your MySpace page. You allow him to bitch at you for not following the unspoken rules of "good relationships". Don't.

Put your foot down. Tell him to quit obsessing over your MySpace. If he doesn't, set your profile private and remove him from your friend's list.

If his behavior is seriously bothering you, and I think it should be, you need to tell him how you feel about him, tell him why you're with him, and then tell him if he doesn't stop treating you like an unfaithful harlot you're going to walk out. Don't tolerate that kind of behavior.

[lesa]

Physical disabilities do not change anything. You are making excuses for him. He may be a 'good' guy to you who does these things because of his 'high standards and morals'...these are excuses people in your situation make. What if he was a 'bad' guy who did the exact same things...what do you thinK?

[ecojeanne]

well panda, this guy sounds very very similar to my ex, i would imagine everytime you try to bring up something he might disagree with that he makes you feel guilty or even insults you because he is so ridiculously offended, he's a bad one. It's not your fault to fall for this....these type are very clever and able to manipulate to get what they want. my opinion is... no way are you wrong for thinking his behavior is absurd.

[Only-virgins]

You should give me your myspace and let me post some stuff bahahaha.

[elfen31]

That sounds horrible! I can understand how that would irritate the hell out of anyone. My bf is like that alot too. He gets upset if I even hold a conversation with one of his friends, according to him he feels left out. And God forbid I should mention something about a good looking actor.

[Only-virgins]

Women do in general have an unhealthy obsession with actors. They are just people with a shat load of make up on. I would just bring up Jeniffer Love Hewitt every time my girl would bring up an actor haha. Damn, I would ravage that girl for hours. PS: Pirates of the Caribbean was a shitty movie and that pirate actor looked like a ****ing ugly bum with bad teeth.