Frustrated with one of my close pals (long post)

[kene]

This is a tough one for me....

I have one friend from school my age that, like myself, is not married. We grew up near each other in the suburbs. Known each other since grade school, graduated from the same university.

Thing is this, for complicated reasons I lived at home until I was 27, I have a dysfunctional family and I couldn't leave. I worked in a financial institution since 2000, and now make in excess of 100,000 a year. I bought a place in the heart of downtown and it's great.

Him on the other hand still lives at home. He had a decent job in a company, but during a downsizing (tech bubble) it downsized, he got squeezed out/constructively dismissed and I guess the experience was bad enough that he decided that that wasn't for him. So what he's done, I would describe as a hodge podge of odd jobs/entrepreneurialship adventures mostly focusing on creating websites, making shoddy products, and such. Then he became obsessed with youtube and tried being a youtube movie director which also failed. And always tries to pass off some youtube person as his girlfriend (live in different countries, have never met each other, doesn't know her phone number/doesn't have the balls to ask her for it, even said no joke that if he got it he'd ask to call collect because he doesn't want to spend the money) yet talks about her all the time, says they're "dating" because they apparently IM occasionally. Don't remember him ever having a girlfriend, don't think he's ever had sex.

I'm not sure how much money he's made, but I think it's jack shit because he's cheap as ****. When I invite him to come downtown for whatever, he's reluctant because he thinks a lot of the bars are overpriced here (he's a one drink and out guy-- so basically it's one beverage, where the price difference between downtown and in suburbia might be $2). If we go to the movies, he'll want to watch an obviously crap movie at a cheap theatre than a good movie at a more expensive theatre (again, looking at like $5 difference).

Cheap movie theatre.

Then I got frustrated because recently I started seeing a girl who lives near me, and he was asking me questions, and the convo was like this:

Him: How old is she?
Me: 26
Him: Perfect, she's desperate! Every girl wants to be married by then.
(my thoughts: wow, what a shit thing to say)
----
Him: How tall is she?
Me: 5'6"
Him: That's perfect, "Michelle" (his "youtube" girlfriend) is that tall.
(my thoughts: give me a fricken break)
----
Him: What does she do?
Me: I gave the job description, it's a rather junior position in a finance company.
Him: She makes shit!
(my thoughts: at least it's enough to live downtown on her own and not mooch off her parents, and she's like 5 years younger than him)

Anyhow, to make a long story short as discussed in the other forum it didn't work out with me and this chick, although we had a lot of great times. One thing I really liked about her was she was such a "thing-doer" for lack of better term, we would go all over the city.

Now, my pal is like "you're not the same" since me and her went splitsville (I guess because I don't have the same wanting to I guess do things with him), but I kind of feel like I've just graduated beyond that. And I have a real sense of frustration interacting with him. He's for sure at heart a nice person, very nice. And for sure a TRUE friend. But my idea of fun isn't driving out to suburbia to play video games, or watch youtube videos, or surf the net. I want to do social things, travel, party. I guess all within my budget, but not his.

But I kind of feel like I'm reaching a boiling point where I can't bite my tongue with a lot of stuff, and I'm not sure how to approach this. Because he is a good friend, but I don't think I can tell him what I've written in this post without some dramas, and don't know if I should feed his delusions or tell him he should try to improve his life, or what. I'm confused.

[kene]

ttt, anybody have advice?

[shh!]

If you want to keep him as a friend, you will have to allow for an occassional outing with him. isn't there something more active you can do together? Maybe go hiking or running or play some basketball? That wouldn't cost much, and is more fun that playing video games.

[starbuck]

You have to accept your friend for his differences I think. You have moved on and done seemingly more with your life. But maybe he is happy where he is. I would try to be less judgemental.

If you want to offer him advice, then fine, but I would try not to be too hard on him. Maybe he is somewhat happy where he is. Perhaps his comments indicate a jealousy there, but I think you need to accept him for who he is, or not at all.

[Mish]

ttt, anybody have advice?

Perhaps it's a good idea to seperate your wants. It's posible to both spend time with your friend in his budget area of entertainment and spend time with others partying and traveling.

It sounds like your friend is comfortable with how his life is going, you won't be able to change him.