Guy says I love you way too soon??? Or is it me?

[holly316]

I was in a long term relationship on and off for 15 years. That ended a year ago. I have been seeing a new man for about 6 mos. He is truly "the nice guy" I always hear women never give that guy a chance. He was also in a relationship for 12 years, so we have a lot in common.
He sends me flowers, cards, sweet texts. This is like a reverse of roles, as he is always wanting to ask about my feelings for this relationship. It sooooo makes me want to run ! But I have been trying to be open without hurting him. For eg. he sent a text "are we a couple?" Now my thinking was if you have to send a text asking than NO, not yet! It should be something you just both feel. We only get to see each other about 1 time per week. I said we should talk live. So I told him I was still unsure of my feelings and thought we should try to spend more time together to see what happened naturally. So the next time we are together what does he go and do .... he says I love you!!!! We are - despite 6 mos together still at that polite stage of dating. The sex is getting longer thank god! But I still feel we are way too polite round one another. I am looking for that kind of feeling when you can't wait to take your clothes off for someone. Now its more well we had dinner and wine... sex would be good :-)
In my other relationship we had that hot chemistry that barely made it out of the house before dinner. With this guy in his letters he tells me how hot I looked, or that he couldn't wait to kiss me. I like a man who is more sexually aggressive. Tell me in person. Instead of saying he loved me I want to hear him say I love f***ing you. I don't want to change him, he should be able to be his sweet self. Is he not the guy for me? Or is it wrong to ask him to act differently? How long should I give it. He has great qualities, work ethic, and is sensitive. But his over sensitive side is lost on me, as I am not that way. I have a hard time saying sweet things back to him, and it makes me feel bad. I am almost angry that he said he loved me, because I haven't shared enough of myself with him... he couldn't possibly love me when he does not yet know me. Love is for when you are able to stand naked together, no secrets inside or out. Am I wrong? Is it ok to just ask him to back up a bit, or should I let him go?

[shh!]

On the one hand, it sounds like what you were hoping for with regards to chemistry may be a little unrealistic. And he sounds like a good guy. I hate to see good guys go unappreciated.

On the other hand, I would find it awkward to hear "I love you" if the feeling wasn't reciprocated.

I think maybe if you aren't feeling it after 6 months, you probably aren't ever going to feel it for him.

[Dasein]

Hate to say it but this isn't the guy for you. If he was the guy for you, you would be THRILLED that he said "I love you'. Instead you are annoyed about it.

[1averagejoe]

It's been 6 months and you're questioning and a bit irritated by him saying "I love you." I think Dasein is right. He's a nice guy, you sound like a bit of a cougar...not like that's a bad thing or anything. But you're just different.

[holly316]

I think you are all saying what I have been thinking, I just thought the love word was pretty soon, six months is a while, and like I said, we only get to see each other once a week. We haven't even spent more than one night in a row together, or met each other's family. Thank you all for the honesty! It really helps to have other's opinions. I was in a relationship so long, I forget what the beginning of dating is like.

[Azpackrat85]

I think you are all saying what I have been thinking, I just thought the love word was pretty soon, six months is a while, and like I said, we only get to see each other once a week. We haven't even spent more than one night in a row together, or met each other's family. Thank you all for the honesty! It really helps to have other's opinions. I was in a relationship so long, I forget what the beginning of dating is like.

It took me 8 months of dating to tell my girlfriend that I loved her. Love is a strong word. I agree with you that Love is one of those things where you are 100% comfortable with each other. I hate when the word Love gets tossed around so easily nowadays. Love means that you completely trust and love them. There is nothing more than Love.

LoL. As for the "He's lasting longer in bed" comment thing. I think its natural to be very turned on right when you have sex with a new person. Your sexdrive is off the wall and it takes a little while for that to calm down. I can tell that he is totally crushing on you and that he really does care about you. He probably just wants a relationship sooner than you do. i think you two should have a one and one talk to see what you really want in this relationship. Let him know where you stand.

With that being said, If you aren't feeling it right now while at 6 months, then I think you need to let him know that you two aren't right for each other. Usually when you are in a relationship, sparks are supposed to fly. If this is not happening with you, then i suggest you look around.

Let me know how it goes. You really do need to talk to him though.

[Hugabear]

I think it's sweet.

[holly316]

I think he is a phenominal person, which makes it hard to admit that we're not compatible. Writing here, and gathering my thoughts I think all I have to bring to him is disappointment. He deserves someone who lights up when he enters a room. I was in a store the other day. The cashier was just getting off for the night and her boyfriend walked in to pick her up. She got this instant smile on her face, and she just folded around him. Isn't that what love is supposed to look and feel like! In the next few days I will have the difficult conversation with him. Now that I have thought things through I know what I have to do. Any words of wisdom for how to tell him would be appreciated. I am not a bad person, but I have to be the bad guy here.

[Dasein]

In understand the situation quite well Holly.


I went out with a guy once who was a very nice guy, good looking and great on paper. He was very keen but I was just..waiting for something to happen. Everyone else liked him..why didn't I (in the chemistry kind of way). Don't beat yourself up about it. Some people you have chemistry with and others you don't. It isn't your fault.

You just have to be honest. Just say that you feel from your perspective that you don't have the feelings for him that you should at this stage. If he really is in love with you then there is really no easy way to do it.

Most importantly is never discount your feelings.

[NOLA CBD]

I'm curious to see how this ended up. Go easy on the poor guy. Him saying he loves you is not necessarily the problem here, IMO. But the fact that you don't feel the same way is the problem. Like someone said... sparks should fly, you should have butterflies, but you don't.

[Time Piece]

I was in a long term relationship on and off for 15 years. That ended a year ago. I have been seeing a new man for about 6 mos. He is truly "the nice guy" I always hear women never give that guy a chance. He was also in a relationship for 12 years, so we have a lot in common.
He sends me flowers, cards, sweet texts. This is like a reverse of roles, as he is always wanting to ask about my feelings for this relationship.

Says whom? Society?! Sounds like you have someone that, you know, actually cares about you. Horrors! I hate the sound of this guy already.

It sooooo makes me want to run !

Where to? Someone who doesn’t treat you well?! Look at it this way, how blessed you are to have someone like this come into your life. How incredibly lucky you are to have him to love you so much he will do all these wonderful things for you.

Look, if you want a guy who doesn’t do all these wonderful things for you the vast MAJORIY will gladly treat you like any other girl.

I swear, someone incredible comes into a girls life and what does she do? Eats him alive, goes onto someone who doesn’t treat her anywhere near the same and rewards him for doing so.

Think about it.

But I have been trying to be open without hurting him. For eg. he sent a text "are we a couple?" Now my thinking was if you have to send a text asking than NO, not yet! It should be something you just both feel.

A couple points here…

Is it really so horrible that he is asking if you’re a couple or not? Sounds like (could be) he’s a little confused as to where you and him are both at. Woopie-doo.

Also, perception is reality. YOU believe it’s something you should feel maybe this is not his strong suit and maybe he’s just searching for answers.

No harm no foul.

We only get to see each other about 1 time per week. I said we should talk live. So I told him I was still unsure of my feelings and thought we should try to spend more time together to see what happened naturally. So the next time we are together what does he go and do .... he says I love you!!!! We are - despite 6 mos together still at that polite stage of dating. The sex is getting longer thank god! But I still feel we are way too polite round one another.

Yep, yep, yep.

Time to toss this guy that really cares about you in the trash.

Sorry, you see him once a week which is hardly anything, talk to him on the phone and because the sex isn’t where YOU want he’s no good. It’s all his fault.

I'm curious as to why you have let this guy feel this way about you for so long and have continued to accept all his generosity and love.

Sounds like he is fulfilling a need and/or vacancy in your life and you are using him.

I am looking for that kind of feeling when you can't wait to take your clothes off for someone. Now its more well we had dinner and wine... sex would be good :-)

As a suggestion how about YOU being aggressive and showing him that it’s o.k. for him to do the same. Continually hinting about it doesn’t hurt either.

In my other relationship we had that hot chemistry that barely made it out of the house before dinner.

Q: And where is he now?

A: oh yeah, your not together anymore!

Sex is a wonderful thing, however it is only PART of a relationship.

With this guy in his letters he tells me how hot I looked, or that he couldn't wait to kiss me. I like a man who is more sexually aggressive. Tell me in person. Instead of saying he loved me I want to hear him say I love f***ing you.

As suggested above tell him that and continually hint at it as well.

Also, again, there are guys out there that will be happy to tell you that but very likely that’s what they mean as well. All the good stuff this guy brings to the relationship those others most likely wont.

Balance.

I don't want to change him, he should be able to be his sweet self. Is he not the guy for me? Or is it wrong to ask him to act differently?

Here’s another idea, while telling him what you like, how about you changing a bit yourself. This does NOT mean you change your core self but at the same time some guy treating you like a queen is a GOOD thing.

Try looking at yourself, maybe it is time to accept the goodness in him, if this where a guy who was slapping you around I would say run immediately, but it’s the exact opposite.

Prince charming has walked into you life… enjoy, love, accept, LEARN.

Just a thought.

How long should I give it. He has great qualities, work ethic, and is sensitive. But his over sensitive side is lost on me, as I am not that way.

Again, just because you are not that way doesn't mean you can't be a little more accepting of how he is.

Sure sounds like he is accpeting you for who you are.

I am almost angry that he said he loved me,

Sorry to hear that.

It can be an awful thing for someone to care about you and love you.

What an incredible guy, heck if you dump him can I date him?! (kidding)

because I haven't shared enough of myself with him... he couldn't possibly love me when he does not yet know me. Love is for when you are able to stand naked together, no secrets inside or out.

Wrong. My mom and dad said I love you and where married within 6 months of meeting each other and where happily married for 50+ years. I knew a girl who married her childhood sweetheart (talk about knowing someone!), they are now divorced.

So to answer your post thread title question, you can say I love you as an individual when you truly feel it.

It’s not a perfect science. There is NO, read that again…NO… certain time you say I love you, have sex, move in together, get married and/or have babies.

If there where a blueprint for success everyone who ever wanted a successful long term committed relationship would follow it to a tee.

Am I wrong? Is it ok to just ask him to back up a bit, or should I let him go?

How about both? Ask him to cool his jets and YOU try to accept him for who he is a little more. Your posts comes of to me as a… I, I, I, me, me, me post.

My .02 cents, keep the change.

[Only-virgins]

This Time Piece guy isn't to bad with advice.

[shh!]

Yes, he makes a good point, but it is rather obvious he has never been on the receiving end of unrequited love.

[Azpackrat85]

Wow... he is totally right.

[blackzj52]

my ex and i started saying "i love you" like 3-4 weeks into our relationship. and we both meant it. then again we hung out every single day for that summer (07). some people fall faster than others. i know i tend to develope feelings sooner and faster than others.. thats just me.