Being friends with ex? Opinions

[krondragon]

I posted this in the love forums but then thought this one is more suitable so I deleted the old one.

For once in about 3 months to feel even for a brief few minutes; I had no desire to get back together with my ex. Although it faded and some feelings returned to me, I'm thinking less about her.

The real question now is that she still wants to be friends and is friendly towards me, however do you guys think it's worth it? To be blunt, she treated me like crap during the last two weeks of our relationship

To be more specific... We're both 20 and enrolled in a University. She treated me well in the beginning of the relationship, then again which girl wouldn't do that? As summer school started, things went downhill. She talked to me less online and didn't even bother to call me. I made the effort to stay in touch. The most retarded thing about it was that I was only HALF AN HOUR away from her. In any case, she got colder towards me as well, going as far as to being rude to me. When I saw her in person, of course I would display happiness in seeing her because I was legitamately happy,but she was rather cold towards me. That giddiness that she had at the beginning of the relationship was just completely gone. I felt kind of non existent and my happiness faded slowly each time I saw her. At the same time, she was stressed about school and that was why I let her behaviour slide. I told her I wanted to help her with her stress and I even left encouraging messages for her on facebook and on AIM and even went as far as to embarassing myself by singing her a korean kids song for her voicemail so she could have a good laugh (she was korean and I was chinese). Heck, I even cancelled plans for two weeks so she could have more time for her schoolwork. All in all, even after putting a lot of effort into taking SOME stress off from her school, she breaks up with me on the basis of CHEMISTRY. I was really suprised because a week before the breakup, she wanted a break from the relationship because she was so stressed out about her life and schoolwork. I wanted her to stay with me, but after a look back, I thought I shouldn't be so selfish. I apologized and told her, I can wait for you, if you gotta do something then go do it and gave her more words of encouragement. I still made the effort to stay in touch as friends even afterwards. All of her stress was taking its toll on me as well because of how she was treating me and at the same time, I was very worried about her well being. I really likd her a lot, so each time something was not to my liking, I told her just to let me get used to it in time because those were some things that I could live with. In any case, I feel as if I was played. You may call me a doormat if you want, but being that she was stressed, it wouldn't have helped her if I caused more problems for her by confronting her during a bad period in her life.

The breakup itself was messy. After that week of hell for me (confusion and emotional torment) when she finally broke up with me, course I told her I wanted her to be happy and I meant when I said at the beginning of the relationship that I would support her all the way through... it pretty much broke me. I wasn't depressed to the point where I wanted to kill myself, but I could not do ANYTHING. All I could do was lay down and sulk thinking about how much crap I went through for her to deserve a break up.

We are in collaborative student orgs and I see her often. Although she is "friendly" to me, I have a hard time trusting our friendship because I feel like she's kind of a fake since I was played in our relationship. Don't get me wrong though, I don't hate her and I want her to be happy and she will always have a tiny piece of me, but I feel like I should be done with her and just be aquaintences instead of being friends.

[obhwfgirl]

Honestly, forget about her. It's so hard. I know. My ex and I mutually caled things off a while back and it was really hard. We both have been trying to be friends, but the key word there is BOTH and MUTUAL.

Who knows why she broke it off. Maybe she did have too much on her plate, maybe she's one of those girls who doesn't do long-term relationships, maybe you were being too "clingy." Either way, she didn't give you the respect you deserve. Being friends with your exes can work if the break-up was respectful and the feelings weren't too strong.

It seems in this case that you have to submurge yourself in other things. Join an org that she's NOT in. Don't call her, don't facebook her, don't message her, NOTHING. And stop putting her on a pedestal. She broke your heart without any respect towards you. Even if her reasons are legit, you deserve to get angry at her and stop blaming yourself.

Once you're done being angry and sad, you'll be able to look at the relationship realistically. My best friend told me that every relationship has a purpose. My first relationship with this guy was to get my feet wet. I'm not desperate to find a boyfriend anymore. Maybe that's what this girl is. She's the one that teaches you to keep a certain amount of distance with new relationships so you don't put too much emotional investment in something too soon.

Again, I know how hard it is. Believe me, I know. But you need to be strong and cut her out of your life. If she eventually wants to be friends, she can approach you and then they can be on your terms rather than hers (I know from experience!). And if you never are friends again? The feeling of *detached* vindication is so, so sweet. If you get your vindication when you're still crazy about her, the anger comes back and takes over.

Even if she does have a part of you, that's life. As we face hardships, we lose little pieces of ourselves, but the holes left behind are slowly filled with something more substantial, something that make us stronger and wiser.

[kene]

Wise wise words above if you ask me.

[bluesummer]

My experience says that bad relationships and messy breakups do not equal good friendships afterwards. You'd be doing yourself a favour to avoid being friends with her.

The only exes of mine that remain 'friends' of any sort are ones where the breakup was mutual and the relationship ran it's course rather than being dramatic or overly hurtful.

[agatha]

Usually, my exes become my friends but not that close. There a barrier of course. I don't want to have that hatred always in my heart...

I just really wanted to be friends with them. Its such a nice feeling that you became friends and being part of each others lives.

Actually it really depends on you. If you really want to be friends, then you will. If not, then she have no choice but to accept that you don't want to be connected with her. Simple, right?

[JustMeHere]

I've had some messy break-ups in the past, but one way or another, eventually I remained friends with almost all of them. I mean, I was with them for a reason in the first place right..? There are a few I'm not friends with anymore, because of all the BS we went through, but for the most part I'm friends with just about all my exes, and it's nice

[krondragon]

Yeah... Well we got into another lengthy convo and I'm finally going to get the closure i needed. She said she'll talk to me this weekend. I think after this I will officially be able to move on and actually maintain a good friendship with her.

I'm really happy right now

[Azpackrat85]

Do not become friends with an ex. It isnt even worth it.

[torgo]

I am glad to say that after my breakup a while back there were a few awkward months but we started talking more again and are now better friends than we were before we got together (had known each other for years beforehand). She is actually my primary source for romance advice now!

I would say that the nature of the breakup dictates if this is possible. If there is a lot of deliberate hurtfulness and malice, I can't see a happy solution. If its mutual, or just mistakes on the parts of one or more people (the latter being my experience) that can be talked out later I think it can work.

[littlewing]

That looks incredibly similar to my story. You are happy because she needs to talk to you, you obviously still have feelings it's not over yet. You better cut it off with her or there will be consequences. Wait untill she starts dating someone else, you may not believe it but it WILL crush you. There can't be trust here... do a favour for the both of you

[krondragon]

I already went over the fact of her dating someone else. I know it will hurt me, I just don't know how much it will hurt till that happens.

In any case, I get your points about me still having feelings for her. The thing is, I will always have something for her and will continue to care for her.

What I am concerned the most about is just ending it on a good note. And it wasn't that she needed to talk to me... I needed to talk to her more for better closure. She seemed more than willing to talk to me about it. In any case, once we do end it on a good note, I'm going to go lay low and yes I will cut her out of my life for a bit. We do go to the same university, so we might run into each other. Of course, I'll be friendly if I do run into her, but I'm just going to leave her alone and I'll do my own thing till whenever we are comfortable talking to each other as friends.

@jc: I agree with Torgo that it depends on the background of the breakup. I have friends who have ended their relationships on good notes. Of course there is hurt and disappointment involved, but the breakups were mutual and by far more repectful and understandable by both parties.

I'll see how it goes when I meet her in person to talk about closure.

Thanks for all the advice.

[bhupabhupa]

I think ex should talk if they are ready to forget the passed and carry on in their life.
But it is not compulsory.

===========

bhupa

worldinfo

[Mish]

but I feel like I should be done with her and just be aquaintences instead of being friends.

Trust your gut instinct, this is probably a better way to go