mixed messages!

[barrett]

Hi. I'm new to the forum and very confused! For two years, I have been dating my boyfriend who became my fiance (accent marks elude me) a year ago. He is 52, has some mental problems, divorced and seems to have trouble letting women from his past go. After our engagement, he continued to regularly interact (on phone and email, at least) with his ex-girlfriend who dumped him in 2006 and sends his ex-wife, whom he had a terrible marriage with and finally ended a 6-year separation with in 2006, an e-mail on what would have been their 20th anniversary in remembrance of the date, all the while telling me I'm the only woman for him. SO the engagement was off, and on. Now, I am really a smart lady--although it doesn't sound like it. Just emotionally damaged (lost both parents to cancer a few years ago and have been quite lonely). But I wanted this to work, and believed it could. So he moved in in May. Since then, he has stopped communication with the ex girlfriend but has also backed off on the idea of getting SERIOUSLY re-engaged. He says I talk too much about the relationship and he feels pressured and why can't we just enjoy each other and the "good life" we have now. Then he said if I need an answer now, looking straight into my eyes, the answer is "No, I will not marry you." I'm hurt, can't concentrate and ruminating like crazy. Any advice for me?

Thank you very much.

[Kromat]

Does he love you as much as you think he does?
Maybe since he's 52, it doesn't matter that much anymore, because he had previous marriages fail.
You shouldn't pressure him into marriage, just ask him, if he'd like to get married eventually.
You probably think it is as someone that you can spend your life with, but maybe he isn't sure yet and wants to make sure, that the situations that happened in the past, don't happen again with you.

How old are you by the way?

[barrett]

Does he love you as much as you think he does?
Maybe since he's 52, it doesn't matter that much anymore, because he had previous marriages fail.
You shouldn't pressure him into marriage, just ask him, if he'd like to get married eventually.
You probably think it is as someone that you can spend your life with, but maybe he isn't sure yet and wants to make sure, that the situations that happened in the past, don't happen again with you.

How old are you by the way?

I am 39, and I'm actually not sure if he loves me as much as I would like. He tells me all the time that he does, and he can't imagine life without me, and this is for "keepies". I don't want to be in denial about anything, but I would like him to make up his mind and communicate that to me if he feels we have no firm future. Thanks for your advice.

[Kromat]

I am 39, and I'm actually not sure if he loves me as much as I would like.
He tells me all the time that he does, and he can't imagine life without me, and this is for "keepies".
I don't want to be in denial about anything, but I would like him to make up his mind and
communicate that to me if he feels we have no firm future. Thanks for your advice.

Also, because of the age gap, he sees himself in a different situation than you,
because maybe he's been through more and doesn't want to hurt you.

What drew you to him anyways?

[barrett]

I hate to admit it, but he has nothing to offer me except love. I make all the money, have the good job. I don't want anything else from him except love. Maybe the solution is to just be friendly, less focused on "couple requirements" for a while, and let us both breathe. If he decides to stay...

[shh!]

Kick him out. He doesn't want to marry you now because he doesn't have to do it in order to get what he wants.

BTW - why would you want a man who doesn't have anything to offer at the age of 52? It seems by the age of 39, you'd be expecting someone to be your equal.

[barrett]

I guess I've always been so independent I just don't feel I need a guy for anything but companionship and sex is good, too. Plus, I'm getting old and about 40 overweight and scared shitless of going back on the circuit. Wanting it easy, I guess.

[shh!]

Well, I suppose it's easy for me to say because I am married, but I'd MUCH rather be alone than tolerate a loser. I had my share of underachievers in my late teens. Anyway, my advice is still the same.

Welcome to the forums, BTW.