Teenager Sex Communication

[okapa]

Hey people.
Me and my girlfriend are 16 and have been dating for the past 4 months.

We are really open with each other about ourselves and most topics but due to the lack of time spent in a closed place together we haven't developed any conversation about sex.

She has this idea of me of being the beautiful and popular guy, and some people also think so but I don't pay much attention so she is a bit insecure, even though our relationship is pretty solid and we haven't had a problem yet.

The thing is she is always hinting about sex, I'm not going into much depth here, but it's pretty obvious. She has also stated before that she has a dirty mind (lol!) and she knows that I'm a very open minded person because of the education I have.

The thing is: I don't know if we'll get a chance to try anything very soon but do I look boring for not opening the topic? Or would it look bad?

I really don't have a clue on this one...
Well, just throw your opinion, I'd like to hear some.

Have fun!

[GrkScorp]

Look at the following thread:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/24529-he-really-interested.html#post379690[/url]

Imagine lastwish is your girlfriend.., and having the same thoughts..

That brings me to the conversation I was having with Ben a while ago on sex & manipulation..

There are of course two kinds of sex for men.. The first one is purely out of lust and motivated entirely out of physical attraction.., the second one is motivated by emotional connection to the person and is an expression of affection and love..

The question then becomes.., how can sex be used as a form of manipulation?

With the first kind of sex.., it appeals to desperation.. There is just strong physical attraction.., dangle the possibility or false promise of sex.., and watch how high the doggy is willing to jump to get the treat..

With the second kind.., it appeals to ignorance.. There is a strong emotional connection.. Have sex with him.., and his heart is so invested and clouded with love.., he'll feel that you actually love him too.. He'll be too blind to realize your real motives.., this is how to really get him hooked..

I go over both of them quite shamelessly with Carla & Maria all the time.. Neither one of them is that close with their family.., so I feel it's only fair to let them in on what their mother never got the chance to teach them..

The point of that? (not manipulation.., but vulnerability & confirmation)

The key to manipulation.., is identifying a vulnerability.., and then exploiting it.. In the example above.. the appeal to ignorance exploits the need to confirm interest and love..

It might as well could have been a guy making lastwish's thread.. talking about him not knowing if his girlfriend was really interested in him or loved him because they didn't have sex yet..

Each needs their own means of confirmation.. take for instance penis size.. Every time I hear someone try to sell me the whole.. "oh! ouch! slow down! it hurts.., it's too big".. or "wow.., you don't understand.., that extra inch really makes a difference".. I know it's bullsh*t.. It's a good act.., and I appreciate the effort.. It's the thought that counts.., but I have a ruler.., and unless it's 10" long.., don't insult my intelligence and call it big..

But honestly.., how many guys do we both know that would walk out of that room being fooled? How many guys do we know that would honestly feel that they're big just because their girlfriend told them they're big? How many guys would believe it? To how many men would a girlfriend's comment about his penis act as confirmation?

Just imagine.., that men have two things they want confirmation to.. Sexual performance (to which they believe is captured entirely by the size of their penis) and their partner's interest in them and how much they love him.. (to which they can gauge by her sexual interest in him "which is not always genuine or honest")..

Now.., just try and imagine how many things women want confirmation to..

Just think about it.. Take 10 minutes to just think about all the times you've had your girlfriend ask you if her butt was too big.., of if you thought she was fat.., or if you thought she was pretty.., or hot.., or sexy.., or if she turned you on.., or if you loved her.., etc..

When you really think about it.., there are so many things that a woman wants confirmation to.. it makes her very vulnerable and open to manipulation.., and then you wonder why they're so guarded and insecure..

I'm not suggesting you be dishonest.. It looks like she's a regular 16 year old girl.., who just wants to explore something other than her own fingers and hand for a change.. Dating the popular guy breeds sexual excitement.. Sleeping with you gives her endless bragging rights to all her friends and raises her social status in school.. But that isn't exactly the reason you want her to want to have sex with you.., is it?

Definitely sit down one day and have a talk about sex.. It doesn't have to be awkward.. All it will do is put the two of you in a different level of comfort with each other.., just by virtue of having that conversation..

Give her confirmation.., comfort her and let her know.. "I really want to have sex with you too.., but.., I don't think we're ready yet.., and I don't want to feel like I'm holding out on you or anything.., but I just want to wait a little bit longer before we seriously think about going there"..

Don't forget what she needs to hear to feel good about herself.. "I find you really attractive.., I mean.., you're definitely extremely good-looking.., and you do turn me on.., I've had moments where I just wanted to just have my way with you.., but I had to hold myself back.., because I don't think we're ready to take things to that level just yet.., I don't want you to get frustrated or end up hating me for this.., because it's hard on me too.., but I just don't know if you feel what you feel for me for the right reasons yet"..

You should definitely at least pretend to be sexually aroused beyond control by her.. when you do decide that you're ready to have sex.., it's important for her as a woman to feel sexually powerful.., like you want to have sex with her more than she wants to have sex with you.. It provides a sense of comfort and security for her.., and it makes her feel good about herself..

This is why.., even though it may not be true.., you have to put on the act and play the role of the sexual aggressor.. The man who can't control himself at the presence of his sexy girlfriend.. You have to be the dominant and leading force in the sexual arena.., and allow her to feel sexually powerful.. So don't be shy or hesitant to start talking about sex or be sexual.. It's perfectly fine.., in fact.., it's more than fine.., it's encouraged.. really..

Points:

- Comfort her and tell her that you also want to have sex with her.., so that she doesn't feel alone or hopeless..
- Let her know that you also have the desire.., but don't know if you're ready to take things there yet..
- Make her feel sexually powerful when you finally do have sex or begin to talk about sex.. always give the impression that you want it more than she does.., and you can expect her to do the same on her end.. "give the impression that she wants it less than you do".. Don't let the reality of things bother you.., if you love her.., just ignore what the reality of the situation is.., because all that really matters is her feeling great about herself.., comfortable and secure.. Don't you want to make her feel that way?

Good luck okapa..

[shh!]

You are too young for sex. Why don't you take up basketball instead?

[okapa]

shh! I don't mean to insult you but next time read the topic or add some constructive criticism. Anyway, thanks for answering.

grk, I get what you mean, it's not even about seeing all my friends having their way with some random girl, I am just worried about the fact that my girlfriend could get down by my apparent lack of interest.

Even though that's not true, I do want to have sex with her, but it has to be something special, not rushed or anything like that. Thanks a lot for your input, you always write great posts ^^

I'm going to follow your advice but anyone that may want to add something please go ahead

[shh!]

???

Actually, I thought I *was* giving constructive criticism. I was responding to this:

"The thing is: I don't know if we'll get a chance to try anything very soon but do I look boring for not opening the topic?"



I assume your reference to "trying anything" is about sex. I believe you are too young for the responsbilities that go along with sex, and this I say for two reasons; first is your age, and second is your inability to figure out how to discuss it. You can either agree or disagree.

If "trying anything" is NOT a reference to sexual activity, then I suggest you clarify what it is you are asking.

[okapa]

Thanks for developing your answer.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant but one: I don't see how age affects my problem.

Maybe lack of experience would, but that defeats its purpose because if you needed experience to try new things you just wouldn't because there would be no way of getting it.

Second my inability to figure it out: actually instead of ignoring the subject I've came here to ask for opinions and experiences from other people. It's much better than losing my virginity with some random girl or mentally forcing a girlfriend into it, I want to develop my relationship the right way.

If you can't understand that it's ok, everyone has its own ideas, just don't get a wrong one about me.

[lesa]

Just tell her that you are not ready although you are extremely attracted to her.

I have dated a man for 4 months and never had sex with him. I wasn't ready and I'm old!!!!

She'll understand and like you for it. If not, then f*** her (no pun intended).

[shh!]

???

Is this boy asking for advice on how to get the girl to have sex, or how to keep from having sex while maintaining her interest? or is he asking about how to talk about sex with her?

[doppelgaenger]

???

Is this boy asking for advice on how to get the girl to have sex, or how to keep from having sex while maintaining her interest? or is he asking about how to talk about sex with her?

Lol someone didn't read the thread *shakes finger in shh's face*

[InLove&Loved]

Being 16 your bound to have a dirty mind but don't let that fact allow you to treat the subject of sex as a little and not important topic. Sex is very important and you never want to regret doing it. If you indulge her with alot of sex convos then it will lead to sex at some point......just relax....see how you feel. You can talk dirty without talking dirty all the time...BTW YOUR 16 soooo you don't wanna do something you might regret later......

[Tedel]

I read the original question only, and I think that, if you appear boring for her for not talking about sex, she will drop you sooner or later...

...which is for you a favour, by the way. I know many girls who are aiming to use sex to get away from home. At the age of 16 this is a possibility.

My suggestion: Be smart. You are the man here, so make your own decisions. If I were you, anyway, I would stay away from "trying anything" until you are old enough to raise and educate a baby properly. That's called being responsible.

Best

[bluesummer]

My advice is to definitely not rush it. Four months is awfully soon to be considering sex in a teenage relationship, and if she is sending you 'hints' that she's into it, one might construe that as pressure or manipulation.

Let me tell you a little something about young girls: they expect that one of the things that will keep a guy 'around' and interested is physical intimacy. They also connect 'sex' with 'love' because they haven't yet learned that one can be present without the other. The younger you are, the more dependent you are on this train of thought....so she is likely thinking that if you want to have sex with her, it means you 'love' her. Try showing your affection in other ways, and make it clear that you find her attractive.....but you don't need to sleep with her.

Funny thing is, when my friends and I look back and remember who among us were having sex at that age, we all laugh and agree it was stupid and how silly and naive it was. I was the smart one who dated my bf for a year before we did it (at 18) and we had also had extensive conversations about it, including contraception and how it would affect our relationship. If you and your gf are not comfortable enough to be having these conversations, I'd suggest putting off sex until you are.

[lesa]

They also connect 'sex' with 'love' because they haven't yet learned that one can be present without the other. The younger you are, the more dependent you are on this train of thought....so she is likely thinking that if you want to have sex with her, it means you 'love' her.

I 'heard' that some guys actually think that, too. However, they know it's not true but do it to fool a naive girl.

[okapa]

Yeah, I agree, right now I'm more worried with making her happy and letting her parents finally know about us so that we can spend more time together and when I feel like it I'll talk to her, she's worth it so she will most probably wait ^^

Thanks everyone.