heart-broken

[idoubtit]

I think I am a smart gal. I got my PhD, and now doing research in one of the best institutes in this country.
I am 31 year old, but I look young, and cute. (BTW, I am a slim chinese gal with a babe face).
But I have no experiences at all dealing with american guys.
I am a serious person and am longing for a stable long term relationship.
I met this cute guy from online dating website, he is cute, same age as me, smart, decent, well-established, and full of passion.
It takes almost 2 hours for him to drive to my city to see me. But he still came. We met for twice, that was great and romantic. He looked deep into my eyes while I was talking, he looked at me in such a way that I felt I was the most special person for him in the world.
But I made a huge mistake.
The third time we went out, I knew I could not drink much, but with a lot of stress from life and work, I drank too much. and I got drunk. And he followed me back to my apartment. I remembered that he promised that we would not do anything, but he still had sex with me. I was so drunk that I totally lost my mind.
I felt so bad the next day. If you want a serious relationship, it should not start like this.
He text messaged me the next day. sweet words. He thought everything happened naturally and it's great, and he likes me the way just as before.
He drove all the way to see me twice a week after that.
But he never showed up during weekends. According to him, he is busy with his work during weekends (he has a IT company).
Even if he could not see me during weekends, he text messaged me and told me he missed me.
After several weeks, things sort of changed.
He didn't text message me often anymore.
I was so used to his sweet messages, that I had a hard time to go asleep without seeing his messages.
Then I began to message him. I asked him when I could see him.
He said he was busy and I could go to his place to visit him by taking train. He said we should be able to meet during the next weekend.
I tried my best but I missed the last train of that day.
The weekend after that, I didn't hear anything from him, no message, no calls, nothing.
Then the next week, I messaged him, asking him when I could see him. I didnt get any reply from him for 2 days.
Then I emailed him, asking if he was doing alright, asking him to call me when he gets time.
he replied email,saying that he was kinda busy, and I should go for some event during the weekend, he can not go, but I should go.
I still remember that he told me he was gonna meet me on that weekend. but now he suggested me to spend the weekend by myself, which means, from coming to see me twice a week, now it turns that we didn't meet for 2 weeks already.
I was so furious that I emailed him back, accusing him to be a bad person looking only for one night stand, and told him that I was the most stupid gal in the world.
Then the nightmare began.
We spent the whole day fighting and hurting each other through emails.
Actually,I didn't mean to hurt him, I just want to know what is in his mind. I suggested for more communication, and some solutions. But he without explaining anything, just told me through email" I don't wanna fight with you anymore, let's end it here ok"
I replied him" so you WERE just looking for one night stand. shame on you. "
He replied again, accusing me of other things I didn't mean, or didn't say.
He still didn't explain why he all of a sudden stopped coming to see me and why he just could not meet me during weekends.
And the more he replied, the colder and angrier he appeared to be. I was so shocked. I dont know what i did wrong, since he seemed to be the one who wanted to get out of this relationship, and he seemed to be the one who lost interest after sex.
Then by mistake I called him a "moron". I have to say I used the wrong word, coz I didn't know it means "idiot". I thought it was like "liar'. or"jerk". Then he totally lost control in the emails, he said"now this is great, now I know what you really think of me. ".
I checked the dictionary and realized that i was wrong. I apologized and said I didn't mean it. He replied, saying that he knows me, he knows exactly what I meant, dont pretend to be innocent blablabla. and I said, okok, now you finally found an excuse to dump me without being guilty after free sex, u know what, let me correct myself, moron is me, not you. you won. He replied :" what did I win? I didnt win anything. good luck with your future date with someone of your same educational level so that you dont have to be with some moron like me."
I was speechless. and that was it.

I was so sad, I really trusted him and felt in love with him. I felt being tortured, I felt hurt. I missed him so much when he didn't message me that I was almost out of breath.

And now this is it.
Some of my gfs told me he was totally a jerk and he used me.
Some told me I was pushing him too hard, it was my fault and I ruined everything.

What do you think?
What I do know is that now I am heart-broken, and I still don't know why I deserve this.

[krondragon]

Give yourselves time to cool off. Your friends seem to have mixed messages so I don't think anyone on here will give you any different results.

Give it some time and then when you feel like you can talk to him without feeling emotional. Shoot him an email and ask him to hear you out. Just mention that you have had time to cool off and now you feel as if you two can speak rationally at this point. By then perhaps you can get the closure you need, whether he felt you were too pushy or whatever else.

[shh!]

You invested too much emotion in a guy you only dated for a short amount of time.

He sounds like he was losing interest before your fight. I'd just preserve my dignity if I were you, and let him go.

[idoubtit]

Yea I think I might have given him too much pressure. A guy who is not that into you is definitely gonna scared away by that kinda pressure.

This is the first time I date an american guy. I never dated american guys before coz I heard a lot of bad stories about the players. I didn't wanna get hurt by any of them.

Now I am still hurt.


In one of those fighting emails, I told him:" this experience with you is the most shameful experience of my life, I would rather die."

That's why hard it hurts.

I just felt being used.

I guess though I was trying to be very cautious, my EQ is still too low, and I have poor judgement for guys.

[bluesummer]

Any man who would take advantage of you while you're drunk on the first time meeting you is not a good guy.

Don't fall so hard for 'sweet words'. Guys count on girls falling for that. It's his actions that prove his worth, not his words. Better luck next time.

[NeoSeminole]

bluesummer says:

"Don't fall so hard for 'sweet words'. Guys count on girls falling for that. It's his actions that prove his worth, not his words."

what the hell? That contradicts your response in another thread where you accused a guy of being a bad boyfriend b/c he never said "I love you" even though he treated his girlfriend like a princess.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/24647-guy-not-love.html[/url]

"I think you need to sit him down and ask him what the deal is. It would be a different story if he had just never said 'Ilove you', but he has out and out told you he DOESN'T love you. That seems very strange to me. I can't tell if he's just using you to have fun and tide himself over until he meets the one he's looking for, or if he's just a straight out jerk."

[bluesummer]

Holy shit, buddy, these are totally different scenarios and totally different words.

This guy was just leading her (the OP) on with nice things, and his actions weren't matching his words. That's the big key. Words and actions need to match. In the other thread, the guy's words were exactly opposite his actions. True, actions DO speak louder than words, but in that scenario that guy was being flat out cold. Take some time to analyze things on an individual basis Neo. Lord.

[starbuck]

Idoubtit, these meltdowns happen sometimes in dating. Things don't always go the way we want them to and we end up feeling shitty. I agree with the other posters that you should just let this guy go, and chalk the whole thing up to a learning experience. Get to know the guy really well before you become intimate with him next time. And don't beat yourself up too much. This is all part of you becoming wiser about relationships.

[IndiReloaded]

Agree with the other posters, let it go as a learning experience.

Not all guys would have taken advantage of you, but many would. Suggest you not allow yourself to get drunk like this ever again.

BTW, its not uncommon for ppl to slip a 'date rape' drug into a drink. So, I'd be cautious about even a single drink w/someone you don't know well. Socialize in groups is safer, or go on public outings, at least until you believe someone is trustworthy.

[idoubtit]

thank you all for your nice advices

Now I feel much better.

Once you see through a person, it's not that hard to get over with him.

A person who is not showing respect doesn't deserve your respect.
It's ridiculous to cry over someone who never really cared about you, or someone whom you never really owned.

That was just a nightmare, gone. and yes, I took my lesson. Talk is cheap.

Wish all of you here happy healthy relationships!

[NeoSeminole]

bluesummer says:

"Holy shit, buddy, these are totally different scenarios and totally different words.

This guy was just leading her (the OP) on with nice things, and his actions weren't matching his words. That's the big key. Words and actions need to match. In the other thread, the guy's words were exactly opposite his actions. True, actions DO speak louder than words, but in that scenario that guy was being flat out cold. Take some time to analyze things on an individual basis Neo. Lord."

is it that time of the month for you or do you just type your knee-jerk reaction to everything you read? In this thread, the guy told the OP what she wanted to hear but didn't match his actions with his words. In the other thread, the guy treated his girlfriend like a princess but didn't match his words with his actions yet you accused him of being a jerk even though you just said actions - not words - prove a person's worth. And no, the boyfriend wasn't being cold by giving an honest answer.

[bluesummer]

[is it that time of the month for you or do you just type your knee-jerk reaction to everything you read?

Sigh. I pose the same question back at you Neo. Get off my case.

I had reasons for replying differently to each situation which are clearly going over your head.

I said actions speak LOUDER than words, but that doesn't mean it drowns them out completely....which is what I was trying to get at if you'd stop seeing everything so black and white. There's always balance. There's grey areas in every situation.

PS No the bf isn't cold for being honest, he's cold for sticking around in a relationship with a girl he knows is in love with him, and is flat out discouraging it. Yet he's not breaking up with her, thereby encouraging her to continue feelings he knows damn well he won't reciprocate. I don't understand why this is beyond your realm of understanding.

[idoubtit]

what's this arguement about?

[NeoSeminole]

bluesummer says:

"Sigh. I pose the same question back at you Neo. Get off my case.

I had reasons for replying differently to each situation which are clearly going over your head."

I fail to see how you can "pose the same question" back at me. Where did I jump to a conclusion or overreact? I called you out b/c you contradicted your response in another thread where you accused a guy of being a bad bf for not saying "I love you" even though he treated his gf wonderful. Then you post in this thread and say actions - not words - prove a person's worth. Is this not contradictory?

Moreover, you hastily jumped to a conclusion in the other thread that the guy either must be a jerk or he's using his gf for fun. You also spoke to me in a condescending tone for supposedly not grasping what you say when you cannot even articulate your point across. It sounds to me like you're on your period and you think this gives you a license to be a b*tch.

"I said actions speak LOUDER than words, but that doesn't mean it drowns them out completely....which is what I was trying to get at if you'd stop seeing everything so black and white. There's always balance. There's grey areas in every situation."

I understand what you're saying about actions speaking louder than words. I never said it had to be all one way or the other. So I don't know why you accuse me of seeing everything in only black or white. PMS? My issue with you is that you gave contradictory advice to 2 different posters.

"PS No the bf isn't cold for being honest, he's cold for sticking around in a relationship with a girl he knows is in love with him, and is flat out discouraging it. Yet he's not breaking up with her, thereby encouraging her to continue feelings he knows damn well he won't reciprocate."

where did the OP say her bf was discouraging her feelings for him? This is something you made up. Furthermore, how do you know he won't say "I love you" in the future? You don't know.

"I don't understand why this is beyond your realm of understanding."

sorry, I don't speak crazy b*tch.

[IndiReloaded]

Neo, all I believe BlueSum is saying is that one should look for consistency in a partner's words & deeds. And that there may be problems if such consistency is lacking.

Perhaps she didn't state this in clear Man-Speak, but the original poster in each thread is female, so perhaps the point was still made? I certainly had no trouble understanding her point, and I'm definitely NOT PMSing.