my boyfriend won't have sex with me but he will masturbate

[lauren3017]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 yrs, living together for a couple of months now. I've always had a very high sex drive and when we first started dating I thought our sex life was great. Lately it seems like he never wants to have sex and when I ask he says he's not in the mood or we'll do it antoher night. Today I walked in on him masturbating while I was right downstairs. I don't have a problem with pleasuring yourself at all- in fact, I usually have to masturbate because he doesn't wanna have sex. But I found it odd that I was one floor away from him- he could've just come downstairs if he was feeling the need, but he didn't. I feel like that's a really bad sign and I'm looking for some male feedback before I confront him with the issue. Thanks!

[alter_ego]

It's normal to masturbate while having a happy sex-life. The one doesn't exclude the other as we say here in Sweden. If you do it less than once a week, then I would say that you need to address the issue.

I can think of a few reasons that seems probable:

1. Maybe he has a fantasy/fetish that he feels ashamed about or that he hasn't shared with you yet and needs to be alone to be able to fantasize about it. Perhaps he is afraid of how you might react if he told you. It's not that uncommon to fantasize about friends girlfriends or your friends. If so, remember that it's just curiosity or a fantasy, nothing more.

2. Maybe masturbation is more physically pleasurable for him than sex. Maybe you could masturbate for him.

3. Maybe you do the same thing all the time and he therefore seeks some variation.

[Mish]

Maybe he's getting bored with the ussual routine. Or perhaps the demanding of sex from you. I've noticed a few times in relationships a woman consistently demanding sex = drop in guy's libido.

It's posible though like alter ego said, he finds it more physically satisfying or has some sort of fetish.

In any case, before confronting your guy think about what you can do to help and what changes can you make in your own routines in order to make the situation better.

[Illusional]

what do you really think is going on?? he's not cheating on you, but i doesn't find you attractive...

anytime i would wack it when i had a gf, was when i couldn't cumm in her because she wasn't on the pill.. then i'd just shoot on her stomach.


raverboy

[GrkScorp]

2. Maybe masturbation is more physically pleasurable for him than sex. Maybe you could masturbate for him.

Think of the best chef in the world.., having steak every single day..

Actually.., in the case of vagina.., make it a couple of weeks old meat loaf with soggy french fries on the side.. It could be his favorite dish.., but eventually he'll get tired of it..

When you say "sex".., I'm guessing you're talking about intercourse.. Like a Clockwork Orange would suggest.., the old.. in out.., in out..

Yeah.., boring..

It provides variety and it's great for intimacy.., but too much work and not enough reward..

Try blow jobs in stead of intercourse..

As alter ego suggested.., try hand jobs.., or as Tracey Cox calls it.., "manual sex" instead of intercourse..

Your vagina has it's place.. it provides variety.. But there are guys out there who would rather try and find a way out of intercourse.., and prefer pleasing themselves..

It has nothing to do with you.. NOTHING.. It just has to do with how hard he gets during sex and how much pleasure his penis is receptive to.. The reality is.., your vagina doesn't provide enough pressure for his penis.. (no.., i'm not calling you "loose").., but the vagina can't reasonably expect to compete with the mouth or the hand..

On top of just better pressure.., is almost no work for him.., just sitting back.., and total reward.. just pleasure.. He doesn't have to worry about pleasing you.., how you feel.., if you're faking it.., why you're faking it.., how to make it seem like he doesn't realize you're faking it.., how to try and stay hard.., how to not get turned off.., how to not get tired.., how to keep going.., how to stay up afterwards.., etc..

He wants to feel good and doesn't want to bother you because there's nothing in it for you.., bam! Does what he has to do and carries on with his day.. It's nothing more complicated than that.. Seriously.. It's not because he doesn't love you.., it's not because he finds someone else sexier than you.., it's not because he's angry at you for some reason.., it's none of those reasons at all.. He just wants to cum.., and doesn't want to bother you.., so he just does it himself..

Yes! "Bother you".., because you said it yourself.., you have a high sex drive.., which means if he wants to feel good.., he'll have to make you feel good too.., and it'll take too much time and energy on his part.., so he'd rather just please himself..

I didn't say it's not wrong.., or that it's right.., I'm just spelling out the train of thought that lead up to this situation..

Suggestions?

- VARIETY! Don't take it the wrong way.., it doesn't mean that your vagina is the inferior good.., it just means that your vagina is the inferior good.. More oral and manual.., seriously..

- It sounds like both of you have the wrong attitude towards sex.., and I'm not just saying this because you posted instead of him.., but he is being a little insensitive and inconsiderate here..

1. No consideration for your self esteem.., how does he expect you to feel? You're in the mood.., he's in the mood and he's right upstairs.., and he chooses to masturbate instead of have sex with you? That would make anyone feel horrible.. like they can't please their partner.. Heck.., even if it is more enjoyable.., it's about the principle! You simply don't do these things..

2. You have a higher sex drive.. Yes.., it's hard being in his position.., I know that.., but it's not impossible! He can do it.. He can take supplements.., train himself to focus on sex more.., try and work on his sexual desire.., etc.. It's not fair to you to be left unsatisfied.., and beyond that.., unloved.. Masturbating instead of having sex with you is very disrespectful towards you on his part..

YOU!

Try and be less sexually needy.. Ugh.., I can't begin to tell you how limited you are as a guy.. It's not as easy as spreading your legs open and reading a book until the other person is done.. You have to get hard and stay hard.., you have to pretend you're motivated to have sex even though you lack the desire for it.. But somehow.., you have to gather up the energy and willpower to just pull through.., all while knowing that if you get turned off and just a little limp.., it's all over.. That's what he'll have to do on his part.., but compromise is a two-way street..

Learn the difference between being bored and just wanting a quickie.., and really being in the mood..

Turn him on! Do you even know what turns him on.., or do you just have a vague idea about a couple of things he just responds to and likes? If you're not that interested in turning him on.., how is he going to be that interested in having sex with you? Forget about his pleasure for a moment.., i'm talking pre-sex.., pre-foreplay.. How you dress.., how you stand.., how you talk.., how you walk.., how you move.., what you say.., what you don't say.., how you look.., how you stare.., how you suggest.., how you imply.. Didn't your mother go over all of this with you? I guess eastern European girls go through boot camp at a much younger age.. anyway..

If you want to "confront" him about it.., I wouldn't say that's such a bad idea.., for as long as it's productive and meaningful..

Confronting him just to feel good about yourself and show him that you know what he did.., and then expect that to take the two of you somewhere isn't at all productive.. It's a natural urge.., but you have to take a step back and realize that it's not going to take you anywhere..

Telling him you saw him watch porn.., and aren't upset about it.., but are curious to see the kind of porn he watches.., not to judge him.., but to get ideas for what the two of you can do.., that might be more productive and meaningful..

It's important to see "opportunity" in every single situation.. Don't look at things as a problem.., because even if you do.., realize that every problem has a solution.. You can try and understand it rationally.., and look for practical ways to solve it.., with the long-run in mind..

This isn't a problem.., but an opportunity for the two of you to work on.., and resolve.., any sexual communication and understanding issue you may have had.., express your needs to each other.., and find yourselves getting to a deeper comfort level which will help the sexual intimacy between the two of you..

Honestly.., the best sex I've ever had was waking up in the morning.., to messy sheets.., girlfriend out of the shower.., tossed her on the bed naked.., and we just sat there naked for about an hour.., talking about random sh*t.., then I cooked breakfast naked and we ate in bed.., then we had sex.., cleaned up and sat back in bed naked again.., pondered about going grocery shopping or what we were going to eat.., and ended up having sex again.., then stopped and started cracking jokes.., still naked.., then we started having sex again while laughing from the jokes that we had just said.., then we went out for dinner.., came back.., had sex again.., talked about how bad the food was.., cleaned up and called it a day..

If you can crack jokes and playfully insult and tease each other during sex.., that's when you know you're on a deep comfort level.. That just makes for great sex.., and the sexual time you do have together to be almost like a sanctuary.., sacred in a way.., something to look forward to.., not run away or stray from.., and definitely not substitute with masturbating..

Problems in sex spill over to the rest of the relationship in the form of resentment.. It's definitely something the two of you should be very serious about working on..

[lauren3017]

Wow, thank you all so much for the responses... I wasn't expecting to get such enlightened perspectives, but you guys really helped me out! My boyfriend and I did have a discussion last night and there's definitely a spark missing from our sex life that was once there, so we're going to work on that. I even found an adult entertainment store in our area so we have a "Porn Date" on Saturday haha!

In any case, I truly appreciate being able to hear some male perspectives on this issue- i hardly have any male friends so it was extremely helpful... thank you all again!

[boobaa]

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[Henry123]

Maybe he has sexual anxiety or comes from a deep religious back ground (enough to make him feel guilty & dirty)????