A Hopeless Case

[Bokonon]

I'll preface my post by saying that there is little to zero hope (much closer to zero) of ever getting close to the person I'm about to write about. I'm posting here in an attempt to commiserate with anyone who has been in a similar situation in the past and get any advice anyone would care to offer about moving on. And please forgive me as I think this is going to be quite detailed.

I first met her at work over a year ago. She got hired in and was put in a cubicle down the row from me. It was clear early on there was a certain chemistry between us and we would very lightly flirt and have short conversations from time to time. I found out that she was married, sadly, and gave up any hope of pursuing anything with her, naturally.

Fast forward to the beginning of August, this year. I had decided to return to school and gave my notice at work. As I ran into people I informed them that I wouldn't be there any longer, and (I guess it would be easier if I make up a name) eventually Lydia sent me an email (I didn't sit near her any longer) saying that she heard I was leaving. She was apprehensive but finally said that she thought I was really a nice guy and sometimes thinks that it's too bad she's married. This set my heart aflutter a little bit as Lydia is a very vibrant person and I was really attracted to her, mind and body.

Shortly thereafter, my employer offered me a flexible part-time position with a leave of absence if necessary while I attended school as they didn't want to see me go. I accepted and let Lydia know that I'd be away for a month and then be back on a part-time basis. She wanted my email so she could keep in touch while I was gone. I gave it to her and didn't hear from her, which I didn't think much of as I was not really considering what she had said to me as much more than a flattering statement considering she was married, albeit unhappily, apparently.

When I got back to work I didn't contact her as I hadn't heard from her and didn't want to intrude in her life if that's not what she wanted. Eventually we ran into each other and she asked why I hadn't told her I was back, and from then we would email sporadically and chat on microsoft communicator. Last week we started meeting outside when she left for the evening and as I was taking a break. We decided to meet up for coffee on Saturday (last Saturday, now) to have a chance to talk outside of work. It was understood by this point that we had feelings for each other and at least wanted to be friends.

On Friday, she asked if noon was too early to have alcohol in her coffee, as she was afraid that coffee would get her too keyed up while hanging out with me (she has a lot of energy and is greatly affected by coffee). I told her that was fine and suggested a place to meet. It's very close to where I live and she parked on the street in front of my apartment when Saturday came. She came in and checked the place out, and then we walked to the bar. She had a couple coffee drinks and I had a couple beers. She was hungry but didn't want to eat at the bar, so I suggested we could eat something at my place. I made her a grilled cheese and we shared some vegetable shu mai. We started drinking some sake I had and talking. We talked and talked, moving between the front porch and the living room. This was the sort of conversation I'd always dreamed of having with a girl on a date. Fascinating, magnetic. We finished the sake and drank a bottle of wine. I was feeling decently buzzed at this point but I think she had it more together. At one point she asked if I wasn't disappointed that we weren't making out on the couch. I told her that I wouldn't lie, that I was a little, but that I didn't expect that and completely understood (and didn't want to because I've experienced enough to know what kind of a situation that would be/create).

So, the hours passed and although we had discussed playing Scrabble and watching Mr. Show we had never stopped talking long enough to do either. Finally after almost 7 hours she really had to get back. She had told her husband she was out shopping. We had a friendly hug at her car and she was off, and we texted each other about how much fun we'd had.

I felt sad and very lonely when she left. The rest of the weekend I was left feeling somewhat sad that we couldn't pursue anything but also glad I had found someone I clicked with so well. When Monday came around, I was looking forward to seeing her at work. I got my computer started and she was not on communicator (or I was blocked). She had not responded to an email I had sent on Friday after she'd left. This sent my mind spinning...

Did her sometimes verbally abusive husband freak out on her when she got home from a 7 hour shopping trip with a wine-purple tongue and a slight buzz?

Was she just sick and actually not in the building?

Did she not want to have contact with me because we have feelings for each other and it's too hard?

My mind cycled through the possibilities and I had a tightness in my chest and stomach. It made me realize how swiftly and hard I had fallen for her. I had the urge to text her to see if she was okay at least, which I fought off. I called a friend (who is also an ex-girlfriend, for those who had posted about whether or not it's possible) that is very wise and helpful (oh and she talks to me about relationship issues too, very good friendship really) and laid out the situation. I knew she could talk some sense into my confused head, and she did. She told me that I definitely should not contact her, because she is not mine to check up on. Wow, too true, and hard to see in my muddled state. She also pointed out the general stupidity of the situation and that I did not know the husband's side of the story or what she had really been out for.

So, I agree with all that.

Now, for a second day I've just gotten back from work a little while ago, not having seen her on communicator nor having received an email. Her car was not parked in her usual spot at our huge building, but could easily be on the other side and I would feel like a stalker if I went to check. I still feel sick about it but after talking to my friend am resigned to the reality of the situation.

Basically, I'm left feeling crushed after getting to know someone who seems more promising as a match for me than anyone I've ever dated. Someone who is truly open-minded and intelligent and interesting, is fascinated in many of the same things I am, and to whom I can talk for hours and hours without any sense of strain or even of the time going by. And not only can we not date, but she seems to have cut off communication for one reason or another and I am not about to try to contact her when it's clear she doesn't want to have contact with me. That is just really depressing and I'm wondering if anyone here has had a similar situation or can offer any advice for getting over it.

Or, she had just been sick and I will feel like a huge idiot when she gets back to work, although with an increased understanding of the peril that awaits me if I fail to remove my heart from this situation.

One more thing: she mentioned even if she gets a divorce, her therapist (who she's been seeing for advice about her marriage) recommends waiting 1 to 1.5 years before dating. So she was very honest and open that if I did really want to date it would be a long wait.

Cripes. Thanks for reading all of this, those that made it.

[Angelo_91]

Being taunted into something you can't have but were lead to want so badly is the worse possible feeling.

I don't know what to say to you as i am in the same boat.

Good luck.

[hareluya]

Read it all...

Love is always the same...

Everyone has different perspective, for me and you, it's probably unethical to go for someone that's married...

But heck, how can we help? It's our feelings.

However, it's good to see that you're using your emotions to think, and not letting your emotions to act...

Emotions are good when you can control them, but deadly when it controls you...

[snoz]

I can relate to this as this happened with me at work and also with a friend from the same workplace. In my case I knew I shouldn't be so into someone who's in a relationship as I myself lost a girl to another guy. But it just couldn't be helped and everything just clicked. You did well to be thinking straight and didn't make out with her for I did exactly that unfortunately that only lasted for a week or two before the reality set in, I guess it's true when you do get what you can't get the novelty has gone, "thrill of the chase" as they say. We still have feelings for each other but we just left it at that and we haven't spoken in a fair while.

Now with my friend. It was sort of the opposite. The Guy she liked had ACTUALLY gone and left his wife to be with her and they loved each other madly. In the end she just couldn't get over the guilt of breaking up someone's marriage and that was that.

All I can say is it does take a while to get over someone, whether a good relationship or bad. Now is not the time and if you are sure this is the girl then it's up to you whether you want to wait it out and waiting sure is painful.

[Bokonon]

Thanks for the replies, especially Snoz...makes me feel a lot better about my situation. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and your friend though. That had to be really tough.

Happily I have been able to accept the situation in my heart as well as my head and I'm no longer smitten by Lydia. I've met and had a connection/flirted with several girls since then. This whole thing has inspired me to get out more and meet new people and has given me a few new prospects, oddly enough. Lydia and I still hang out occasionally but she no longer has much gravitational pull.

[IndiReloaded]

She told me that I definitely should not contact her, because she is not mine to check up on.

Best advice & not much to add, really. Don't contact her b/c you aren't over her & it will affect your ability to have a healthy relationship w/someone available.

Don't hold out hope she will split from her husband. And even if she does, that says nothing about whether she will even want you (or any guy for that matter). Live your life & chalk another one up for 'timing is everything'.