I'm getting fed up of this feeling...

[Desdemona]

Yes, you've probably seen loads of these sorts of threads, but hang in there, as I'll try and make it vaguely interesting...

...I don't know why I can't get rid of this sense of anger and frustration when it comes to relationships. I am nearly 21 and I have not had anything resembling a relationship (or a date, or any kind of intimate encounter). While I am genuinely happy with myself and don't think of myself in negative terms most of the time, (I can make friends quite easily, as well as solid friendships, and I am quite socially confident) if somebody asks me the question "do you have a boyfriend?" or such a similar question, it just elicits thoughts of "ha, no way, don't be so ridiculous, I mean, me in a relationship!?". While I know theoretically and logically I know this is not true, but this is the persistent feeling. People try to encourage me by saying that there may be people who are interested in me, but I do NOT believe it. There is no evidence to suggest this whatsoever and I don't want to delude myself. There has only one person who was interested in me, but she was a lesbian woman, so we are just close friends. I don't wish to seek validation through other people's interest - I don't NEED constant attention, as long as I know and value myself, I never will, but it still knocks my confidence on the relationship front, if nothing else - I mean, it would just be nice if people did actually show interest in me, you know?

Now I'm not going to enter a relationship for the sake of it, being with somebody for the sake of it is a pointless exercise if one is not particularly attracted to them, but I still can't simply ignore or not care by being perpetually single and perpetually unable to express intimacy like some people are able to. In any case these people have at least experienced this and so do not find singledom so frustrating. Also, I DO put myself out there and have asked people out several times (although unsuccessfully, obviously due to me writing this) so it's not as if I am sitting around doing nothing about it and merely waiting expectantly. I'd also like to think that I at least do not look absolutely repulsive, either. I'd post a picture if it wasn't for the stupid 15 post rule...

This post may be influenced by me feeling a little fecked off right now due to things happening and being unable yet again to pursue what I want. I do try so hard to feel positive about it and I know that I could potentially be in a very good relationship, but I still can't shake off that feeling that relationships are the sort of thing that just won't/don't happen for me.

I try to find happiness and fulfilment in other areas of life and make the most of the good friendships I have, which does help, and in general, ignoring my dearth of romance my life is generally good. However, sometimes it feels like hard work just to keep positive about being able to find romance (and I don't mean instantly finding 'the one' overnight, necessarily).

I guess I am looking for advice on how to deal with such feelings or perhaps some dating tips, perhaps - I have recently stopped myself scouring the internet and subscribing to all the dating tips sites, though, to bring my focus away from dating - (yeah, yeah, I KNOW... it'll happen when you least expect it and all that....) but it's just wearing me down...

Much appreciated if you read all that!

[Desdemona]

I just realised I could attach a picture of myself, if that helps.

[ransom_nite]

this was like me until i was 18, exactly the same! except everyone i ended up liking i just couldnt shake off always being the "friend". my best friend of 3 years and i then started falling for each other and now we have currently been together for 2 years i guess its just waiting for that person, i dont really know how to help you but just keep doing what your doing, putting yourself out there until the right person comes along

[1averagejoe]

Maybe you're just intimidating to men? I mean it's not like you're ugly, you're cute and got pretty eyes. I'd take you out on a date.

It takes time and patience. Have you thought about joining any clubs or societies at school? Maybe something sports oriented which have a tendency to have a lot of guys? Just something to put yourself out there.

Smile at cute guys...one is bound to come up to you and talk. I have a feeling this has to do with how approachable you are to guys. You may be coming off as intimidating to them without even realizing it.

[Only-virgins]

1averagejoe hit it on the nail. I think you are great looking. You seem to have a pleasant face and a good body. I think it might be body language. Maybe try putting in some effort yourself to initiate things.

[Desdemona]

I have talked about this issue with friends too, and they say that becacuse I am perceived as a "smart" or quite "serious" student, I might be considered intimidating, but personally I can't see what I can do be less so. I know how unsettling it can be when somebody seems unreceptive to what you say, so I always make an effort to be open or at least approach other people. I don't have much problem socialising on a friendship level, it's just that it's non-existent on anything "more" than that... I mean, there have been people I have liked and they approach me or I approach them and we can start talking no problem, but it's quite clear it won't go any further than that.
That said, that is only from my point of view and of course I can't see how I actually come across.

[IndiReloaded]

I hate to say this but its the truth: keep your brains to yourself for a while. Not saying to act dumb, but watch how blatant you are about your intellect. Been there, done that. Its not a plus early on, especially when you are young. This will change as you age, btw and you can be more upfront about such things.

Most important thing when meeting ppl initially is to be perceived as fun, relaxed and genuine. You can keep the discussions of Shakespeare (and yes, consider even your choice of SN--trying to be clever?) until later.

[Desdemona]

I wouldn't say that I try to be too 'intellectual' in fact personally I don't feel I come across as particularly intelligent, but it is what others (who know me well) have told me in the past. Normally I just have fun or enjoy people's company like most people.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, we can only help you with what you tell us. You mentioned being perceived as 'smart/serious', not us. Now you say that's not it.

Shrug.

[Gigabitch]

Now I'm not going to enter a relationship for the sake of it, being with somebody for the sake of it is a pointless exercise if one is not particularly attracted to them...

WRONG! It's called dating, and it's important. You need the practice. When you finally get with someone you actually want, you will have NO skill set and you'll blow it with him.

Get your ass out there and date some runners-up. Get on the internet- it's almost impossible for someone weighing under 250 to not get SOME kind of date.

[Desdemona]

Well, we can only help you with what you tell us. You mentioned being perceived as 'smart/serious', not us. Now you say that's not it.

Shrug.

I didn`t say it was necessarily `not it` but merely how I feel I come across, and I initially described how I could possibly be perceived according to others.
I have tried putting myself out there and at least trying dates, but again, they do not `lead` anywhere, which is fair enough, but it means really that it is not a great help, and I feel that I don`t want to dwell too much on finding somebody, as all it has resulted in has been unreturned feelings in one form or another and general disappointment and/or despair if I have had feelings for somebody.

However, if somebody who I might not initially be attracted to asked me out, I would at least have an open mind, and I would say I don`t avoid situations where I could go out with somebody, but as I mentioned before, none lead anywhere, as the people that I have developed feelings for have never reciprocated the feelings. Whether that is down to something about me or just plain luck, I do not know.

Gigabitch, would you be able to elaborate on `skill set`? I`m assuming things like how to date, flirt, manage a relationship, etc?

[IndiReloaded]

I didn`t say it was necessarily `not it` but merely how I feel I come across, and I initially described how I could possibly be perceived according to others.

Isn't this exactly what we are discussing, tho? The difference b/t your perception of how you think you come across vs. how other might see it?

Without a concrete example, I'm not sure I'll be able to comment further.

Giga is just saying that dating is a skill like everything else, one that we get better at with practice. You don't want to be making your mistakes with someone you really care about.

[1averagejoe]

Where do you live? I'll take you out on a date...lol

I'm not intimidated by a smart girl, I find it attractive. The dumb ones turn me off.

[Desdemona]

Isn't this exactly what we are discussing, tho? The difference b/t your perception of how you think you come across vs. how other might see it?

Without a concrete example, I'm not sure I'll be able to comment further.

Giga is just saying that dating is a skill like everything else, one that we get better at with practice. You don't want to be making your mistakes with someone you really care about.

I guess what the case is, if I put it more clearly, is that I don`t think it`s necessarily down to coming across as too `intensely intellectual` early on because I don`t tend to engage in such subjects immediately unless it somehow naturally arises, but I have been put into the category of being a `smart` person, although I guess this is not particularly a rarity, so personally I do not think this is a major problem but I am conjecturing that it may possibly be without me knowing.

Actually, to give another concrete example of a usual pattern of what happens - there is somebody I like, we get on well, I have some hope that the feelings may be returned and start to get excited, the other person then tends to distance themselves slightly more - not completely or noticeably to others, but enough to make it clear (to me anyway) that the feelings are not mutual. Perhaps subconsciously I come across too strong, but I do not intentionally or consciously show my feelings in a blindingly obvious way, although again, I cannot determine this myself.

[IndiReloaded]

This is what your girlfriends are for, to surreptitiously probe whether the guy is interested in you & to say great things about you once you've told them you like a guy. Make use of the sistahood.

A lot of attraction (most, in fact) is body language. Why don't you look up some the articles on the web about signs of a guy & gals interest. Then you can see where you are needing work on both your own & someone else's signals.