Complicated Long Distance Love

[james1971]

Hi everyone, this is my first and maybe only post on here but could do with some quick and sensible advice.

I have met a girl completely by chance in australia through facebook. This happened 2 months ago and every day since we speak and chat online for around 5hrs a day and exchange 10 emails a day between us. Even when there is nothing to talk about we are never lost for words. She is everything i could ask for in a girl, she is kind, supportive, intelligent, attractive, we have everything in common and i mean everything and are the mirror image of each other in every respect. After 2 months of this ultimately we have fallen in love with each other and each others personalities and have now discussed meeting to confirm everything before arranging our futures. But....and there is a huge but, this is the problem.

I am married with 2 children whom i adore. I work weedends and i spend my whole week with the kids and couldnt bear to be apart from them.
My marriage is mundane and my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things.
We have had problems within the marriage which we have both been at fault for but psychologically i am now seperated from my wife and with this other girl. I cannot bear to be on my own with my wife after the children have gone to bed because we have nothing to say to each other and my mind is elsewhere. I feel extreme guilt because of what i am feeling for this other girl.
The other girl is supportive and understands my situation, she has agreed that if i do not feel the time is right to fly out to meet then she says leave it till January and she will come here. I had got a visa organised and was going to fly out yesterday but couldnt go through with it in case the children got ill while i was away or something along those lines, plus im not keen on a 22hr flight. I also felt guilty that if this other girl was to eventually live here she would have to suffer the financial burden of me having to pay maintenance and that she would have to spend long periods away from her own family whom she is close to but we said that our love and support would enable us to cross those bridges. So with all that and the guilt i felt towards the children, i unwantingly instigated cutting contact this girl. We went through the goodbye process with both of us knowing it wasnt what we wanted and there were tears on both sides, it just didnt seem fair. Within hours of that i had mailed her and a few hours later she returned my mail. There is such a strong bond between us, neither of us can let go.
Right now i find myself on the verge of booking the tickets for tomorrow and going.

I know marriages become mundane and need to be kept alive but even before i had met this girl i had left my wife for 4 days as the problems were already there and had been for about a year. One part of me says that i married my wife and started a family and that maybe i should just make the best of it, but on the other hand i know that i could lead a very happy life with this other girl and that i owe it to myself as life is short. Ultimately if i choose option 2, my children will suffer upheaval, our home will have to be sold, schools will have to change and eventually another man will raise them. All of those things concern me, so do i put up with things or move forward and follow my heart. I know only i can decide but would be interested to hear what anybody else thinks.

[james1971]

I meant to add that i am in England so we couldnt be much farther apart, but that doesnt really seem to be the issue. The outcome will be the same whether its a girl 12 miles away or 12000 miles away.

[lesa]

Are you okay with leaving your family to take a chance with another relationship...a relationship that will require work to maintain, just like the one you already have?

[Junket]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/25301-collection-doomed-internet-relationships.html[/url]

Thank you for the contribution!

[vashti]

Ultimately if i choose option 2, my children will suffer upheaval, our home will have to be sold, schools will have to change and eventually another man will raise them. All of those things concern me, so do i put up with things or move forward and follow my heart. I know only i can decide but would be interested to hear what anybody else thinks.

It sounds like you are very clear about how splitting with your wife would negatively impact your children, so honestly, I can't imagine how you could possibly entertain the idea any further. You aren't 15 anymore - you are a FATHER. That means you are supposed to put your children first.

Why don't you try investing the effort you've spent on this other woman on trying to improve your marriage? After all, things would be mundane with the girlfriend in a few years, too. The only difference would be that you would have stomped all over the life of two little kids in an effort to satisfy the little boy inside you.

[doppelgaenger]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/25301-collection-doomed-internet-relationships.html[/url]

Thank you for the contribution!

Frasbee puts this guys relationship in the collection of doomed relationships, but not the girl who doesn't know if she should continue letting her boyfriend shit on her chest?

[sadface]

When you fall in love, you think everthing is possible. I mean you haven't lived or met this other gal yet so how are you so sure you can find happiness with her? Remembered the wedding vows and when you and your wife fall in love? How much you guys had gone through and build a family? Talk to your wife and get some counselling. If you are not going to mend things with your wife and rush into another relationship, the possibility of failling in another relationship is very high.

[Junket]

Frasbee puts this guys relationship in the collection of doomed relationships, but not the girl who doesn't know if she should continue letting her boyfriend shit on her chest?

Doomed Internet Relationships.

There are plenty of doomed relationships, and the one you cited was one of the more unique ones, anyway.

[james1971]

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

So tell me, how long would you flog a dead horse for?

Either that or replies are based on staying together for the sake of the children, something that i would imagine would be 50/50 amongst opinions.

[Junket]

I've come to the conclusion that people live too long nowadays.

"Until death do we part" was probably applicable back when death was only a stone's throw away, anyway.

Now we live to like, 80.

[vashti]

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

So tell me, how long would you flog a dead horse for?

Just... stop.

What you really want is for people to say "yeah, dump the wife; your kids will be fine", but they won't get through this without being damaged. Sorry, but that's the truth and I won't pretend otherwise.

Maybe you should seek some marriage counseling. I think unless your wife is having an affair, abuses the kids, or is a crackhead, you should make every effort to honor your commitment, at least until the kids are grown. This does not include chatting up some internet woman.

[Jade Altair]

What ever happened to devotion? What ever happened to people being mentally and with their heart committed? Whatever happened to honesty?

[lesa]

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

bishop....

[Gribble]

What ever happened to devotion? What ever happened to people being mentally and with their heart committed? Whatever happened to honesty?

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

[Jade Altair]

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

Like the careless rational beings on here who leave their poor wives to fend for themselves with children just so they can have a night out with another woman? I wouldn't want to decide someone's life and their actions but devotion and commitment in some things is necessary even if it has nothing to do with relationships.