a life decision

[tprice]

Hi All,

I go into a situation that became bigger than expected and I really don’t know what will be the way out.
I need some objective point of views.

I have been in a great relationship with a great girl for 8 months, everything in common, and we decided to get married , we are both in the right age and and right needs, to cut it short, we are a great match.

Detail: we are in a long distance relationship and she is supposed to move with me in my state.
A few months ago, I got a good job opportunity in another state and moved there, she supported me and she was supposed to follow me here and get married.
I found myself into a totally new situation and unfortunately I cheated on her, not only that, I met this other girl and started an actual relationship with her… I know it’s horrible and I feel bad and extremely guilty.

I knew this new girl "B" was going to be here just temporary, so I thought that I could carry this on and cover up everything when my actual girlfriend "A" would join me.
Thing is that I once went to meet A and through some details she found out all about my cheating with B and she closed with me.
To make a long story short, after many weeks of talking, dramas and explanations I succeeded to convince her that we could still carry out our plans because we are great together and because she really understood my regret, and of course we have to get married.

The thing is that I didn’t totally close with girl B (she doesn't live in my state either and she moved back in her own town) and I found out that we have a good connection as well, that she really cares for me, and vice versa. No, she doesn’t know anything about girl A.
I want to solve this issue as soon as possible: I will have to decide with whom I will spend my Christmas, and of course by going in one direction I will definitely want to close with the other one.

I am really sorry for this, I could never think I would have been able to create such a twisted situation.. but besides all the regrets that I have, I will have to take a decision soon.

Thing is that although the feelings are great with A, we both know it will take a long time until, or if she will be able to look at me the way she was looking at me before... And this whole scenario for some reasons kinda makes me feel less confortable about the marriage.
She, A, told me that the only way we could be together at this point is to get married and continue our plan. A further procrastination will end this relationship.

With the other girl, things are a bit more superficial, easy and we would just continue our relationship.

Feel bad, feel sorry and miserable, and still don't know what to do.

I know only i can decide but would be interested to hear what anybody else thinks.

[lesa]

Continue to procrastinate sounds like the best thing. It will help you in many ways.

[vashti]

You are very clearly NOT ready to be married.

[IndiReloaded]

You are very clearly NOT ready to be married.

Yep. Without moralizing about your situation, this^ sounds right to me.

[tprice]

thanks for the contributions guys, I am not so sure about the not being ready to get married, I was before meeting this other girl..... now is more difficult, just because I have a choice.. maybe it doesn't happen often to have 2 valuable persons to choose from.
As soon as I depitch a choice in my mind I see all the cons of it and the pros of the other one and viceversa.
Of course there are plenty of other details, but it would make the story very long...

[Gribble]

I am not so sure about the not being ready to get married

I am.

Anyway, that whole big mess is actually a good thing. A very good thing. You'd have had one horrible marriage. I hope you can take this as a lesson and realize you aren't even close to being ready for that step. You must be young. Don't go looking for a bride. Fool around. Get it out of your system. Live a little. Because being young and on the verge of divorce sucks.

[tprice]

thanks gribble, i'm 32 actually. Young, but not bloody young. See, I'm in the verge of organizing my trip to her and get married... the whole "being ready" issue is very subjective, I know lots of people who feel ready because they have nothing else to do, or they are lonely, and the first person who comes across them they just don't want to let it go because of the fear of not finding anybody else.. then there are the situations in which there are more choices at the same time, like mine.

If I didn't have to choose, the decision would have been much easier.

[IndiReloaded]

I know lots of people who feel ready because they have nothing else to do, or they are lonely, and the first person who comes across them they just don't want to let it go because of the fear of not finding anybody else.

Yea. These are all great reasons for getting married.

They are also the reason the divorce rate is so high.

All I can tell you from experience (I'm married) is that, when you are ready, there are NO doubts. You aren't ready. Its nothing to do with age, BTW. Or even finding the 'right person'. Its about YOUR readiness, and you aren't.

[Mish]

thanks for the contributions guys, I am not so sure about the not being ready to get married, I was before meeting this other girl.....

I don't think your situation is any different than before. You didn't suddenly mature by 20 years since you cheated on your fiance. Whatever made you do it is still there and I highly doubt you will resist the urge given a chance / opportunity once again.

I think your best bet is to stay single for awhile until you truly grow to appreciate the importance of commitment. Once you understand why commitment is important and how you will push yourself to dedicate your entire life to another person, then you can start thinking about marriage. For now all evidence points to you not being ready (you thinking you are ready is irrelevant at this point).