Need some advice please

[Sammyg]

Hey all. been a long time reader but first time poster and not long registered so.. Hello! lol

anywho.. lets get down to bussiness

Ill start from the begining but will try and make the post as short as i can as not yo bore you!

7 years ago i meet this girl, at the time i was 17 and she was 14.. things didnt last long tho, about a few months. about a year later she got with someone else and had been with him up untill about 2 months ago. Me and this girl have been quite fond of eatch other ever since we met (cant remember why we split up) and never really done anything about it.. she was not happy with her last partner and hadent been for a while but he wouldent listen to her when she said there are problems with them. we started talking and seeing eatch other more 3 months ago and then 2 months ago she decided to leave him for me.

Things where a bit stressfull as you would imagine as he didnt want her to leave. Now she has tryed to leave him in the past but he always managed to talk her round and she would stay witch is what brings me here... They have still been meeting up for a few hours almost eveyday and he has been trying to talk her into going back to him ever since she left but thus far she has said no and that she wants to stay here with me.

Well this week he has been trying to get her to go stay there for 1 night (tonight) and he managed to talk her into it but by using his kids against her as she is very atteched to one of his kids and likes to see him when ever she can so thats how he got her to go stay there.

We talked about this last night and she knows im not happy about it and upset but she still went anyway. I know i need to give her time to get her ex sorted out so he stops bothering us and her but its so hard to just sit by and do nothing. I also understand that this is hard for her to as they have been together for 5 years.

But im so scared and worried that he is going to talk her into going back to him and im in a right state tonight. I miss and love her so much.. I lost her once, i cant lose her again. I just dont know what to do about the situation and im hoping someone here will be able to give some good advice on what i can do or what i shouldent do. I dont want to make things any harder for her but things are getting to the point where i need to tell her its either me or him not both but i dont want to do that.

Hope you can help me out.

Thanks

[Cain]

Would you really be surprised if she leaves you for him? She left him for you after only "seeing" each other for one month. She is probably one of those "grass is greener" kind of girls. My ex was/is one.

Personally, I think that her going over to stay at his house when she's dating another guy is very disrespectful. Seeing him every day for a few hours? Just him? Or with the kids? I'd be very wary about this if I were you.

[carl1222]

I'm not sure how we can help except to sympathize and wish you the best. You have no choice but to suck it up, knowing it will all be resolved by tomorrow.

It's not completely clear ... are the two of you now living together as boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, staying at her ex' house overnight is completely inappropriate if she is supposedly in a committed relationship with you. But you already know she has commitment problems ... she was "seeing" (and probably sleeping with) you while she was still in a committed relationship with him.

One piece of advice i CAN give you ... if she goes back with him, or admits to doing anything of a romantic or sexual nature with him tonight you should bail out completely and, in the future, never get romantically involved with someone (even an old friend) if they are just out of a long-term relationship.

Good luck

Carl.

[Sammyg]

Thanks all, things have got a tad worse but i think now will get better.

She admited that she slept with her ex. This was on wendesday. But saturday night i told her that i needed her to come back and she did and thats when we got talking and a few things came out.

She has now relised what she has or could have with me and what she could lose or very nearly lost and is now sorting things out with her ex and hopfully he will leave her/us alone to get on with our lives. Obv i am very hurt and a bit angry with her for what she did and she is genuinly sorry for doing it.

If you have any more advice or comments then please post them

Thanks

[carl1222]

I'm getting a really bad feeling about this Sammy.

Not only does she disrespect you by spending a lot of time with her ex, and having an overnight visit supposedly to see his kid, she cheated on you. So much for self-restraint and commitment.

Even now, after coming back and talking with you, her solution is to start "sorting things out with her ex and hopfully he will leave her/us alone to get on with our lives."

What is there to sort out? For you to agree to stay with her, she should agree to stop all contact with her ex right NOW. Period!

He is no longer just an ex with whom she remains too friendly, he is now a man she had sex with behind your back just 5 days ago. I would tell her that unless she drops her ex immediately and completely, your relationship is ended.

No, actually, I would have just dumped her.

Carl.

[ecojeanne]

thats rough sammy, my advice would be to dump her. it's not ok what she did and you will find you will never be able to trust her anymore. you're setting yourself up for worse heartache if you stay with her. sorry

[Sammyg]

Thanks, I will have another talk with her when she gets back later.

I wouldent want to stop her from talking to him or seeing him now and then but i will tell her that i cant go on like this. she does go to see him almost every day and it is effecting me in a bad way.

thing is when we spoke about her going to stay there that night she couldent see anything wrong with it!


Well ill keep you updated and thanks again for the advice

[carl1222]

One thing that puzzles me, Sammy ...

Your incredible coolness as to what she just did to you and your relationship last Wednesday. If I were in your position, I'm sure I wouldn't describe things as a "tad worse" and I wouldn't be a "bit angry." I almost get the feeling that you don't appreciate the enormity of what she has just done to you.

I think that virtually any other boyfriend (or girlfriend) in your situation would describe things as "disasterous" and would be "furious and enraged" at your girlfriend's inexcusable behavior.

Even now, you seem reluctant to impose any requirements on continuing a relationship with her. You say: "I wouldn't want to stop her from talking to him or seeing him now and then." You wouldn't??? Why not? This is not a situation where you are being controlling and are telling her she can't have a male friend ... this is a situation where you are quite reasonably telling her that she can no longer associate with the guy she cheated on you with if she wants to have a relationship with you. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails and no in-person contact EVER AT ALL. And if she doesn't accept and live up to that demand, you should take her belongings and place them on the sidewalk outside your place.

If your present attitude is coming across to her as it's coming across to me now, I can't think of a better way to encourage her to cheat on you again in the future. Besides, the fact that you took her back so easily will simply embolden her ex because he will see you as a wuss. It's time to back away from Mr. Nice Guy and take off the gloves.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ What he said. Every word.

[Sammyg]

Well its all over... she ran off with some other guy.

[IndiReloaded]

This story was bullshit, every word of it. THAT'S why you're puzzled, folks.

[Aeradalia]

This story was bullshit, every word of it. THAT'S why you're puzzled, folks.

I'd have to agree... the psychology of the whole situation is completely wrong. Love, attraction, and/or infatuation invoke some of the strongest emotions you can feel... especially when there is drama in a relationship.

Though I do have difficulty determining the psychology of posing in such a manner as this...

[Sammyg]

you think all this is a lie? as in none of it happend.. go suck a lemon you fool you dont know anyting.

[Bo]

are u sure it's the kids she's attached to? or him?
if i were u i'd honestly be mad as hell and her staying over there for the night would be close to cheating without the physical side of it (u don't know for sure if she is or isn't do u?). If she wants u than she wouldn't be off u doing that stuff especially seeing him for a couple hours everyday...redflag! that's not normal

[cletwinch]

sorry to hear that about you and your partner sammy, its a sad story.. you're better off without her anyways, she did not respect your relationship at all anyways. You can do better, but you have to be bold next time. good luck.