Similar Pasts... Is this a good thing?

[Aeradalia]

I'm not sure what is the best way to go about asking this... so bare with me.

I have learned from my own experience, from close friends, and those I was intimate with that I seem to fall short of what is considered normal. I'm not exceptionally strange... I can carry on reasonably normal conversations with friends and strangers... I come across as friendly, smart, sociable, and on occasion... as sweet-natured (or at least that's what I've been told). In past relationships, those I was with were intrigued by me, expressing that they liked me because I was different... but some of these relationships also failed because I was different.

Now I am in a relationship with someone... after some time had passed, enough to where we were comfortable with one another and could share such things... I felt it was best to share these past experiences that have somehow altered my view of life in a noticeably different way than what is considered 'normal.' Much to my surprise, they were quite receptive and willing to share similar experiences they had as well. Because of this, I feel that I can really relate to them and they can truly understand me a little better.

I guess my question is... if two people were damaged in similar ways (but had made efforts to resolve these issues beforehand), would this help or hurt a relationship?

[carl1222]

It's hard to tell from your extremely guarded post.

In what way are you not "normal" and what exactly is the similar damage that you share?

I'm not trying to pry, but I can't give you an answer based only on generalities.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

It's hard to tell from your extremely guarded post.

In what way are you not "normal" and what exactly is the similar damage that you share?

I'm not trying to pry, but I can't give you an answer based only on generalities.

Carl.

I do not mean to be guarded... I guess it's more out of habit, and perhaps a little self-preservation.

The damages I've incurred are from early childhood (the earliest memories I have) until I was about ten or so.... they are of an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive nature. I put forth great effort and sought the necessary help over the years to minimize the effects and learn what constitutes normalcy.

The ways in which I am not normal are difficult to describe but almost immediate to anyone who meets me. I do not have the innocence of childhood to pull from, so on some things I simply cannot relate. I am very flirty and almost analytical when discussing things of a sexual nature... but terribly guarded with intimacy... which some have taken to mean fear and others have thought maturity. Out of habit, I look for motives in the words and actions of others which makes me appear both insightful and manipulative (though I have no intention of manipulating anyone). There are countless other learned skill sets from the abuse that most normal people wouldn't need to develop... and thus sets me apart yet again.

In regards to him, his experiences were purely of a sexual nature and not nearly so damaging. His outlook on life is considerably more optimistic and positive than mine... which is encouraging, to say the least.

Talking about this is not painful in so much the memories... more so with other's reactions. When I was younger, I had good friends distance themselves when they learned from others or even myself. I've just learned to 'keep it to myself' in an attempt to avoid such situations. With relationships, I've disclosed this in the vaguest of terms early on (during the time in which intimate secrets are shared) because it would bring about a sense of distrust later on and answers many questions about my behavior.

In the current relationship, I disclosed this information to him with more confidence because I could sense something similar in him. I do not know if this is necessarily a good thing or not, but we are able to share the details of our pasts whereas with previous relationships... both of us have admitted that such a thing was impossible.

[carl1222]

I'm so sorry, Aeradalia

Over the years I have met a depressingly large percentage of women (maybe 15-20%) who were the victims of child sexual abuse. You are certainly FAR from alone, I'm sad to say. I understand your reluctance to be more open.

It's also sad that so many of your friends were unsympathetic.

Now I can answer your question. I think you two would be an extraordinarily good match assuming there is attraction between you and you are compatible otherwise.

Hugs and good luck.

Carl.

[MavViper]

If both of you trust eachother to share that intimate past with eachother, I would think that you two have a good shot as a couple and probably could also grow and strengthen eachother. Like you said before, both of you have made attempts at resolving these issues beforehand which makes it sound like to me that both of you have been trying. Maybe now that both of you are together, tackling eachother's past issues might be easier to resolve