Depressed...

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I guess you guys can say I just need to get this off my chest before I do something stupid. So today, my mom told me I'm a bad mother. Why? Cuz my daughter put pennies in her mouth while I was sleeping. She said I shouldnt have been sleeping. So I cant get sleep anymore? It's not like I left her unattended. Three people were in the house when I went to sleep. They all left and no one told me they were all gone so I am alone with my daughter. Was I supposed to have a sixth sense to tell me she was up alone? I did not know. So now my mother is mad at me and calling me a bad mother because I was sleeping when she put the pennies in her mouth.

So much people have called me a bad mother, and I honestly think the reasons are dumb. I dont change her diaper to be honest. I know I should, but I feel like such a germ freak. I dont wash the dishes either cuz I gag and get sick cuz so much things run through my mind about whats in the water. I get easily sick when it comes to handling something nasty, and that's what makes me reluctant to change her diaper. Now I'm not saying I've never done it, but I rarely do it.
When she was drinking formula, which is a real long time ago, I didnt really make her bottles either. I'd give her food but when it came to the bottles I just didnt do it. Once again, a rare thing for me to do. But that's back then. Now I'm always giving her food and juice or soy milk. When she misbehaves, I put her in my parents room to watch the preschool channel on Nickelodeon. I close the door and go to continue what I am doing. I basically do all the cleaning in the house, sometimes even the dishes even though I dont want to do it, and she causes tons of the messes. I've had a back problem for at least 4 months now. Every day I get a sharp pain in my back. Bending down makes it worse. So all this cleaning and doing so much work causes alot of pain on my body. Does this qualify me as a bad mother? I know I'm not the best...but do I deserve to be called bad?

I've began to believe them....that I'm a bad mother....I've been taking it to heart especially now that my mother is saying it as well. It's so depressing for me and I've really become depressed all over again. I now think everything is my fault and that I'm the worst person in the world. I've even considered adoption so she can have someone else to take care of her since I'm such a bad parent as they say.

Sigh...I dunno what else to say...but typing this has taken some of it off my chest

[1averagejoe]

You're young...what do you expect?

How old is she? Does she have a tendency to put stuff in her mouth? Why did she have pennies? As for the dishes and cleaning...time to grow up.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

She's 19 months and she does have a tendency to put things in her mouth. She does it for spite actually. She puts on a wicked smile and when you're coming to take it from her she shoves it in her mouth.

Dishes is the only thing I dont do. I clean everything else BUT the dishes. What's wrong with not doing one thing in the whole house?

[1averagejoe]

You need to baby proof your house. There should be no small objects near your kid...especially since they're at that age where they put everything in their mouth.

And actually yes, it is wrong because it's your responsibility to take care of it.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Do I look like Cinderella? My brother is 15 years of age and doesnt do SHIT. But I'm supposed to do everything? I always have to clean in order to get anything. My brother could simply say "I want a game" and he's good to go. If I try that, they tell me I dont do anything around the house to deserve it. My brother NEVER cleans. Thats a load of bullshit 1aj. My brother is way beyond of age to be cleaning. I shouldnt have to do everything.

[Cain]

Do I look like Cinderella? My brother is 15 years of age and doesnt do SHIT. But I'm supposed to do everything? I always have to clean in order to get anything. My brother could simply say "I want a game" and he's good to go. If I try that, they tell me I dont do anything around the house to deserve it. My brother NEVER cleans. Thats a load of bullshit 1aj. My brother is way beyond of age to be cleaning. I shouldnt have to do everything.

The difference is that you're an adult living with your mom. Therefore, you're obligated to do more around the house. Your brother still has a couple more years until he reaches that obligation.

BTW, get on AIM.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Ok annd I understand that. But I'm already doing the entire house, including my parents room, so why do i still have to do the dishes? When I say everything but the dishes I mean everything. Livingroom, bathroom, my room, hallway, kitchen, parents room, everything...minus the dishes. So whats the big deal for not doing one thing

[vashti]

Do you not plan to ever live on your own? It's time for you to start acting like a grown up, sweety. I realized you are young and still have a lot to learn, but you are someone's mother. You do not have the luxury of taking naps at will, refusing to do dishes, not giving her bottles, gagging over diapers. Also, she is too young to be closed off unspervised in anyone's room to watch TV. Babies need *constant* watching. It is NORMAL for a baby her age to put things in their mouth. It is the parent's job to prevent them from doing it because they can choke to death if you aren't watching them.

Maybe you should look into taking some parenting classes, or at least some child development classes. You need to get it together or you will never have the skills to be a proper momma.

Also, you should quit comparing yourself to your younger brother. You are an adult with adult responsibilities. He is not.

[Indignant]

i honestly could care less how clean your house is, however your number 1 priority is making sure your child is safe even if it means not sleeping when she is around. i've seen to many accidents happen to little ones because of the negligence of young mothers.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Vashti, finding a job that will pay your rent here is like winning the lottery. The light bill is also constantly going up with poor sevice. Living on my own is not a choice without some form of money and it is really hard getting a good job down here. Good enough to help me get out on my own.

I never said it was not normal for her to put things in her mouth, she does it all the time. The way you guys are telling me this is like you're telling me i dont deserve to get some sleep. I'm also attending school til 10 o clock at night, and then I'm trying to find a job. Then when i get a job, thats from morning til evening, straight to class. Then go home after class, and she's up and I have to take care of her. When do I sleep. Are you telling me i dont deserve any sleep? I did not leave her unattended when I went to sleep. I never do. If I just go to sleep, its because other people are around. If I am alone with her, I put her next to me to go to sleep.

I am doing this on my own parental wise. Her father is not in her life, and I am depending on my parents financially. This is a major burden on me. It is very hard and I am not one to be able to handle these things. I have tried being strong but I just dont have the ability to be strong. But do you think telling me I am a bad mother is going to make me stronger? You think as a mother you should be telling your daughter or son that they are a bad parent instead of telling them what they are doing wrong and showing them the correct way to do it? I am constantly reminded of how I had a child at a young age. Do you really think anybody deserves that? I already am trying to learn from my mistakes but being constantly put down is not helping me. It is breaking me. I am a VERY angry person, and the more my parents put me down, the more they make me regret having her. I am against abortion, but i think if i had one my life wouldd have been better right now. My parents wouldnt be such drunks, my mother wouldnt have this much resentment towards me, I'd probably be more accepted altogether. I've been put down all my life by my parents. Maybe all of you are strong, but I am nowhere near strong. Never will be. I've already attempted suicide and plan to do it again very soon. Ignorant, I know, but if no one thinks I'm a good mother and I'm now convinced that I'm not a good mother then what is my purpose here in life? If my own family is looking down on me and turning their back on me, what is my purpose? I dont know it, so can you tell me?

[ecojeanne]

look ladie, i don't think anyone here is sayin' you're a bad mother coz how the hell would anyone here know. vashti's suggestion about parenting classes is a good one, these sort of classes you can usually get free of charge if drawing the dole. anyway you're probably expected to do a lot more coz you seem to be the only adult not drinking and have time during the day to do the housework while your brother is in school and parents are working (ye?)

ladie you sound like you have a bad situation and comitting suicide is not going to help your daughter. she needs you and will always. don't start talkin' shit like that. i know you are depressed right now and it's natural to feel down of course. but look forward to the future, once you get your highschool diploma doors will open up and maybe you can then go to college. the world is waiting with open arms, you just have to try

cheer up. moms are annoying but sometimes they can make a point that hurts deep coz it's your own insecurity. try the parenting classes...it cant hurt...can it?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I dont know if I can handle it you guys. I'm really trying believe it or not. I was thinking about giving her up for adoption to my oldest brother since they are unable to have a child. I'm tired of my mother telling me I'm selfish and ungrateful especially when I know for a fact I have changed no much. I understand her saying that when I was like 15, but not now. My mother went from telling me I'm a great mother to I'm a bad mother. How the hell did I change to a bad mother so quickly? I guess I'll try to look into parenting classes, but I doubt there's any down here. I'd have to move back to the states for that. I cant study that right now, though. I have to finish school, which will be in February, and I need a job. Everywhere I go is telling me they arent hiring right now, which depresses me even more. I dont know if I'll ever get a job. This is ultra depressing for me. I had finally felt happy again after my ex and I were done. I was only depressed when I was with him. Then we broke up for good, and I had felt happy again. Now, I'm back to feeling the depression I was feeling when I was with him, only this time it's about how bad of a mother I am, and still living with my parents, and being the bad egg of the family basically. I'm a disappointment to my family, and that disappoints me. Argh, I dont know what to say. My head is clouded and I have a mega headache. I feel so stressed out.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

As for committing suicide, I'm just venting. Unless there's a non-painful way (other than pills) to commit suicide, I guess I'll still be here)

[ecojeanne]

thats good to hear. c'mon we ALL go through phases in life where we make mistakes and act like fools and it comes back to bite in the form of the 'dissapointed mother' syndrome! its a horrible feelin' but everyone goes thru it and yes it FEELS LIKE SHIT big time. you are young and there are opportunities out there for young people...not as much as i would like, but services tend to be a lot better now than they used to be. moving to the states might not be a bad idea after you have your diploma coz you sound very unhappy on the island and there would be more jobs avail to you. maybe you can go to college there aswell. don't let your mom get to you too much.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Yea there's an art school I'm thinking on attending up there. I'm welcomed by my brother's house up there, only prob is he is expecting a baby with his girlfriend and he has like four dogs...and I hate dogs. But, i rather deal with the dogs than my parents telling me I'm a bad mother. When I was up there summer just gone I was happy, only thing that had me sad was that my daughter wasnt with me and I had missed my bf. But now, my ex and I are done(Thank God), and I can move up there with my daughter. So my plans are already to go up there. I hate down here, there's nothing to offer, especially in the field I am trying to major in, which is fashion. Plus, getting a job up there was a ton easier than down here, so is getting a home. I saw so many cheap homes I nearly went crazy lol. So living in the states is better for me and my dreams. I can be a better person up there than down here.