I REALLY need some help with this... (semi-long read)

[Indestructible]

Some of you may be familiar with my story already, as I'm pretty sure I've posted here before (I also posted this in the general relationship part of the forum, but it seemed to get ignored). But, a few months have gone by, and I still don't know where to go from here... To those that maybe haven't heard it before, let me fill you in (note: I'll try to keep it as brief as I can, but I'm bad with condensing things... @_@ So, don't be surprised if this turns out to be a bit of a lengthy read).

Currently, I'm a 19 (soon to be 20 in a few weeks) year old guy, and this goes all the way back to when I was actually only about 5 or 6, if you can believe that. See, back when I was a kid, in grade school, I instantly fell for this girl in my class. 'Course, I'm not denying that, being kids, it started as an innocent little crush, but as the years went on, I really started to see how cool of a person was, and I felt this... attachment. Unfortunately, I was too shy to let on, and she didn't know until grade school was almost over for us, when my friends sort of filled her in. Interestingly enough, she didn't seem to be displeased about hearing that; actually, that last year, we kinda had some cute moments together, heh...

After grade school ended, I was so broken hearted that we had to part ways, and moreso because I never even really let on my feelings myself. Since then, I've tried to just stop thinking about her, and get on with my life, but it just seemed like the most I could do was push the feelings deep down, and not actually get rid of them. Imagine my surprised when, earlier this year, I randomly stumbled upon her MySpace page. I messaged her, just asking if she remembered me, not expecting her to really even be interested in writing to me, and I was taken aback when she wrote back such a nice sweet message that "of course she remembered me!". I wrote her a bit over the last 8-9 months, and things seemed to be alright.

Now, I know, I can't say for sure whether or not I still have feelings this girl. But... Having this contact with her again have made my repressed feelings for her come bubbling back up. I just really want to maybe see her again, and get to meet up with her in person, and see if I DO still feel something, yanno? I'm never gonna really know otherwise, right? I don't want to live the rest of my life wonder what would've happened if I at least tried. So why am I making such a big deal about this?

Well, once I really got access to her profile page (she has her page set to private "friends-only" view), I learned some things that made the situation a bit tricky... For one, at the time, she had a boyfriend of about 8-9 months. I'll get into that in a minute. The other thing is, well... Despite the fact that her "home" is in a city that's not very far from me, during the school year, she goes to a college that's 1.5-2 hours away.

Back in May, she came home for the summer for four months. To me, that would've been my easiest, best opportunity to try and schedule a meet-up, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, knowing she was seeing some one else. It just would've been too awkward. So, I just kept to writing her; in fact, I even hinted around about meeting up some time in a subtle way, and she didn't seem disinterested. Then, a month before she was to return to school, she and her boyfriend split up. This put me in a complicated place, because on one hand, she was single, so it wouldn't be so weird to ask her to meet up, but on the other hand, with her just having gotten out of a long relationship, it probably wouldn't have went well.

I struggled back and forth with what to do for a little while, then a couple of weeks before school started, I panicked, and pulled the trigger, writing her about maybe meeting up in person to catch up. And... she just didn't write back. A few weeks passed, and she returned to school, and I stupidly sent a little message saying something like "hi, how ya been? haven't heard from ya in a little while", and again, no response. I know for a fact that she DID get both messages, though (how I know that isn't really important). But it's weird, though, because she doesn't seem to have totally disconnected from me; she hasn't blocked me, or deleted me from her page, or anything like that. I dunno if I just caught her at a bad time and she wasn't sure how to react, or what.

Since then, I haven't written to her, mostly because I'm not sure what to even think, right now. It seems like we're stuck in this awkward little limbo, now, until one of us breaks that awkwardness. I don't *think* she's seeing anyone new, at the moment, but it's hard to tell, because she seems to have migrated to Facebook, and uses MySpace fairly irregularly. Sometimes I wonder if she switched over because of me, but I try to comfort myself by remembering that she seemed to be in that "switching over" process even when I was first writing to her. Anyway, I don't currently have a Facebook page, because I don't know anyone else that uses it. It probably WOULD be a better way to contact her, but I don't want it to look like I made the page just to get to her...

So... There you have it. Now help me out, here... Is there ANY way I can bounce back, and fix this? Or am I doomed to never really get to see where this could've went? If this IS possible to still be salvaged... how? What should my next course of action be? And most importantly, how would I even go about scheduling something like this, considering she's 1.5-2 hours away most of the time? I'm at the end of my rope, here, because I don't know what my next move should be, and I'm worried that if I don't do something soon, I may never get another chance. :/

Well, thanks for reading, if you stuck around, and an even bigger thanks to those that can pitch in some worthwhile advice. Actually, there are a few more "issues" about this whole situation, but to keep things from getting overly long, I cut those out because they just weren't important right now. One step at a time, here, right?

[span]

umm, i don't think you should pursue that girl anymore...it wont end up with anything good, unless you really go all for it and give it your best(even than who knows)...

What you should do tho is do something spontaneous like seeing some girl you like on the street and start walking back to keep your eyes in line or anything really...it will help to find someone else

And to tell you the truth, when you think about something that much it has a very very small chance to live up to your hopes.
May seem a bit negative now, but try doing something out of the ordinary just to see how change makes you feel and i think u will be surprised

[Indestructible]

:/ Well, see, I'm not really going into this with these grand expectations, or anything. I'm perfectly aware of the possibility that there would be nothing between her and I. But there's this part of me that just really wants to know "What if...?". I think if I could just see her again, and interact with her, I'd get my answer one way or the other. I know it may seem crazy that I'm this worked up over a girl I met so long ago, and maybe I even seem a bit obsessive, but it's just killing me to sit here wondering what could be, and not have any clue as to how to even find out. I try to get my mind off of her, I really do; I mean, I have college, and a part-time job, and little hobbies here and there, but that curiosity is always in the back of my mind, and I just can't seem to shake it off. Personally, I don't think I've "ruined" things between this girl and me completely, but I think I messed up big time, and that I need to find some way to fix it if I ever want to get my answer. But that's the thing -- I don't know how to fix it. I obviously can't trust my own instincts, anymore, because the last time I did that, I ended up making things awkward between this girl and me. @_@

[Gigabitch]

Leave her alone. You're just a step away from being Stalkerboy. She's given you a hint- take it.

[carl1222]

^^ What Giga said!

The fact that she doesn't return your calls, and you can't even get on her friends list on myspace without some sort of deception i'm sure should tell you something.

It sucks that you want a girl who isn't interested in you but as Mick Jagger said: "you caint always get what you want ..."

Let her go ... you don't want her next communication to you to be a restraining order!

Carl.

[Indestructible]

The fact that she doesn't return your calls, and you can't even get on her friends list on myspace without some sort of deception i'm sure should tell you something.

Well, to be fair, A) it's not phone calls she's not answering to, it's MySpace messages (I hadn't gotten to the point of asking for her phone number; instead I apparently decided it would be a better idea to jump the gun and stupidly ask her about meeting up... @_@), and B) there's no "deception" involved at all; I messaged her originally, she was happy to hear from me, I sent her a friend request, she accepted me, and I've had access to her page since then, the whole time we've been writing to her.

Like I said, I know I probably sound like a real whackjob here online, but... to be honest, I don't really see what I'm doing that's "stalker-like". I don't spend 24 hours a day on her MySpace page (I only ever even glance at it once every couple of weeks, if even that), I don't sit around Googling her name in hopes of finding anything I possibly can on her, or tracking her down and spying on her, or building and worshipping some kind of "shrine" of her, or anything weird like that at all. All I have are "thoughts" or "feelings", neither of which I can seem to control. I can't help that, when my mind wanders, I wonder about her.

And most importantly, I'm not thinking about this in a "I HAVE to have her!" kind of way. I just want to see her again. I just want to see what she's like, and how we interact, and what kind of chemistry, if any, is between us. If things were good, then of course I'd like to pursue something with her, but if there was obviously nothing there, I wouldn't persist on it... Either way, I think it would put my mind at ease, and that's all I really want in the end. Is that really so bad?

[Gigabitch]

I know for a fact that she DID get both messages, though (how I know that isn't really important).

This is the red flag for me. How DO you know, exactly?

[Indestructible]

I know because of how I sent them. See, I didn't send them as private messages, I sent them as actual comments; prolly not the best idea in hind sight... Anyway, she has it set so that she has to approve of any comments that go up on her page, and... both of my messages are up on her page. So... to me, that means it's pretty obvious she got them. Of course, the thing that I'm curious about is, if she was weirded out or unhappy about my messages, why let them go up on your page? And going further, if you're just going to blow them off, wouldn't it make more sense to not post them, then pretend you never got them in the first place? 'S what I'd do. I dunno, maybe that's just me. Still, makes me think there's more to it than the idea that she wants nothing to do with me.

[lightwhite]

i completeley understand... but i cant really give u any advice cause im sort of in a similar situation haha

[IndiReloaded]

What the hell is this?

She's not answering your msgs. Ones you know she has received. She's not making an effort to contact you. This means she's not into you, understand? Girls who actually like guys will make an effort to contact them.

So far, she's been nice in simply ignoring your continued efforts. She isn't at all obligated to respond. You can be sure that the next stage will not be so nice. Don't embarrass yourself, but if you insist on it, don't be angry with her. You'll have brought it upon yourself. Learn to let go, she doesn't owe you anything.

[Indestructible]

What the hell is this?

She's not answering your msgs. Ones you know she has received. She's not making an effort to contact you. This means she's not into you, understand? Girls who actually like guys will make an effort to contact them.

So far, she's been nice in simply ignoring your continued efforts. She isn't at all obligated to respond. You can be sure that the next stage will not be so nice. Don't embarrass yourself, but if you insist on it, don't be angry with her. You'll have brought it upon yourself. Learn to let go, she doesn't owe you anything.

It's like I said; I'm not dead set on making a relationship happen, here. Truth is, this was a big part of my life when I was a kid, and I just... I feel like I never got the right "closure" to that part of my life. I feel that if I can see her again at least one more time, then I'd get my "closure" one way or another, once and for all; if we hit it off, then yeah, I'd want to pursue something more, but if not, I wouldn't keep pursuing something that obviously wasn't there.

That said, I'm not "angry" with her, nor am I saying she "owes" me anything. If anything, I'm more angry with myself for having screwed up so bad and put myself in this awkward position in the first place. I'm frustrated with myself because I want to give myself this "closure", but I messed up on the biggest chance I had to do so. Honestly, right now, I'm not really going to do anything more with this girl, simply because I don't trust my own judgement with girls, anymore. Obviously I don't know what the heck I'm doing, when it comes to girls. I'm just trying to see if this can be fixed, and if so, how. If I don't get any advice on that subject, it'd probably be at least a few years before I'd work up the courage to start writing her again myself. :/