two good men...

[karuna]

Hi, I am a 43-yr old female. I met this guy and we have a year relationship but he lives overseas, although we had plans to move together this coming year. Meanwhile, I happen to meet this other guy here in town and went out with him without any expectations. To make the long story brief, we have been together now for two months and going strong. Now I need to travel overseas to see the other guy and for some training (that has been planned more than half a year ago). Both guys are wonderful! The one that lives overseas is 51 yr old, never married and no kids, economic position ok. The local guy is a very succesful professional, 56 yr old, divorced with 4 older kids. Me, 43, divorced with a 10 yr-old kid.
I know I'm more compatible with the one overseas, but the prospects with the local one are more "stable". Kind of in a funky situation now, I would like to decide to be with one. Any suggestion?

[IndiReloaded]

Does your overseas guy know you've been dating someone local?

[karuna]

No, none of them knows about the other. That is why I think I should just decide on one of them. This is not my style, dating two guys at once.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you are responsible for your child. So whatever decision you make, I would make sure that his/her happiness is factored in.

The overseas fellow could be a problem in this way. No experience with children. Does he even have interest?

The divorced fellow comes with baggage, but at least its familiar territory. AND you don't need to relocate your family. What is the situation with his ex? Is she in the picture at all, or is that completely over? I'd factor that in also. The last thing you need is MORE drama for yourself and your child.

[karuna]

Thank you, Indi. The overseas guy accepts my child but, as you said, he has no experience or that instinct. The other guy divorced long time ago and raised four kids (that are on their own now). The ex cheated on him and left. Once we talked and he said he hasn't scratched the idea of remarrying again.
If it was not because of the logistics, I'll be with the guy far away. But this other guy is "right". I have feelings for both for them - as a matter of fact, I think I love both.
Anyway, weird situation. Thanks for listening and for your replies.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, the one you spend your focus & time with, will be the one you come to love best. Just make sure you let the overseas guy go completely if you decide on the fellow close to home.

Good luck for you & your family.

[Mish]

No, none of them knows about the other.

When you started a relationship with the guy overseas a year ago, did you two agree to an exclusive relationship or an open relationship?

[karuna]

We did not agree in an open relationship, he only said he won't date anyone until we are together.

[carl1222]

We did not agree in an open relationship, he only said he won't date anyone until we are together.

What did you agree to?

[misombra]

they agreed to get it on.

[Mish]

We did not agree in an open relationship, he only said he won't date anyone until we are together.

What did that mean to you? That you're allowed to date others and he doesn't?

[IndiReloaded]

Why are you guys harping on this point? Its moot now, she has already said dating two guys isn't her style & she needs to decide b/t them. Its pretty clear that's the advice she wants. She's 43, not a teenager who needs to learn that cheating is wrong. Duh.This has the beginnings of a w(b)itch hunt?

Hey Karuna: You are a bad, bad girl for wanting to have more than one option. Especially after a divorce and knowing you have a child to think of for the next several years. I think you don't deserve either guy, how could you!

[karuna]

Don't be mean - but maybe you are right. I just want to be with one, I'm not proud about this and not feeling very peaceful either. I just wanted an opinion of what would you consider if you were me. Thanks again anyway.

[Mish]

Why are you guys harping on this point? Its moot now, she has already said dating two guys isn't her style & she needs to decide b/t them. Its pretty clear that's the advice she wants. She's 43, not a teenager who needs to learn that cheating is wrong. Duh.This has the beginnings of a w(b)itch hunt?

The advice will wary with her response, I think it's an important question to answer. If she had a malicious intent then perhaps she should at least apologize to the guy. By the tone of her posts it seems like she's oblivious to the fact that there's anything wrong with what she was doing, perfectly normal way to interact with people.

[Mish]

Don't be mean - but maybe you are right. I just want to be with one, I'm not proud about this and not feeling very peaceful either. I just wanted an opinion of what would you consider if you were me. Thanks again anyway.

If I was you I would probably not choose either one. I would consider my motives for being in a relationship with the first guy and dating behind his back (not to mention getting your kid involved) a suspect, as a deeper emotional / psychological issue, something I need to understand and resolve before I can go into a new relationship.