I want him back

[Muffin Princess]

I've been reading here for a couple of weeks but I don't know why I haven't started my own thread yet, so here it is. It's quite long!

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me on December 8th. Obviously I'm absolutely devastated as I love him just as much as I ever have. We've been living together for four years and I honestly thought we'd be together forever. But he said he's been thinking about breaking up with me since August but didn't want to say anything as he thought he could get over it. Basically, he was 17 when we together and he's now 23 and has changed a lot in that time. He's fallen out of love with me, says he doesn't need me any more, he's just not content. This all caught me completely by surprise which is why I'm hurting so much. He still loves me as a friend and doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't see how the relationship will work.

About a week ago I found out that he's been talking to his friends about how to get another girl to go out with him. Saying she's "awesome and hot" and is "depressed because he's fallen for the most unobtainable girl possible" as she's in a six year relationship. I confronted him about it and he says he's just being stupid as he's never had a crush on anyone else since we got together and he's just testing the waters. He went out with her for a drink and said that, although he likes her, he realised that they don't have that special 'spark' that me and him have and he wants us to get back together but doesn't see how it would work.

He's still going to move out of our house, to the town where he goes to University 18 miles away, for a break and to sort his head out. He said that even if he moves out, it doesn't mean that our relationship is over. The thing is, it's at University where he met this other girl and she's in his class so he has to see her every day in class and then in social situations as they'll live close together. I understand what he means about being confused about having feelings for another girl, but I don't think it will help matters much if he sees her every day, he'll only fall for her more and I will be gone out of his mind. Is he just saying these things to try not to hurt me or is it possible that he's telling the truth? I'm just thankful that her boyfriend is getting in the way.

I suggested relationship counselling and he said he will think about it. He's very upset about losing his feelings for me and wants to get it back. I'm very confused and have come to the conclusion that he's acting in this way because either:

a) He's trying to break up with me gently over time to help me get used to it as I genuinely believe he doesn't want to hurt me. OR
b) He's confused as to whether he wants to make us work or if he wants to see other people. OR
c) He wants to keep me 'on standby' in case it doesn't work out with this other girl, or any other relationship he might have.

There are millions of other details and I hope I've given enough here to give an outline of what's going on, I'll be happy to answer any other questions.

So, do you think it's worth us trying to get counselling, or should I just let him go as, if he's changed and wants different things now, is it going to be a fruitless task him trying to get back his feelings for me? I've heard about this happening all the time in other relationships, someone thinks they don't need the other person any more and then realising what they've lost once they start seeing other people. Do you think that could happen to us? Thanks for reading!

[Lite]

If he moves out, then hell yes the relationship is over. What is this some Friends episode about being on a "break"...

Look you need to be honest for your own sake. If he goes, he goes, and sure you could date if you really felt like it, but why should you tolerate being the backup girl? Sure, go to counseling, see if it works, but he's apparently already trying to move on and in a time frame that is unreasonable to expect that he's wrapped up emotional loose ends.

Counseling can be used to both mend relationships, and end them as cleanly as possible. Just keep that in mind.

[Gigabitch]

Taking him back won't change the fact that he doesn't know what he really wants. Try to see this as an opportunity for yourself. I know it's hard, but that guy you're so madly in love with doesn't even exist any more because he was the guy you were sure of.

You can't be sure of him any more, at least not right now. I say make a clean break of it and let him go. he may or may not come back, but his desire to move closer to that other girl is a pretty clear indication that he's not into you the way he would need to be to make your relationship work.

[Muffin Princess]

Lite, thanks for your reply. I don't think the relationship should necessarily be over if he moves out and I'd be happy to go back to dating to start with if that's what he wants. But I would put the condition that he doesn't see other people, otherwise I wouldn't do it, I'd let him go if he wanted to date other people as well, I can't bear to think of him with other women, especially as I'm the only person he's ever been with which would make it even harder to bear.

Gigabitch, I see what you're saying but maybe if we gave it another try then he'll realise what he wants. I am prepared for the fact that he won't take me back and I will treat it as a new opportunity and try to enjoy being single.

Katie, I like your answer the best, lol. Of course I was hoping that's what everyone would say. I will do whatever it takes to get him back, I've got absolutely nothing to lose and even if he does still decide we shouldn't be together then at least I'll know I did everything I could. I'm sorry to hear you lost your man and hope you can be happy again.

[Muffin Princess]

I didn't contact him at all for three days and then he initiated a conversation on Facebook chat, asking how I am and what I've been up to. Is it just because he was bored, being polite or because he missed me?
He's found the house he'd be most likely to move into and is planning on where to keep his car, cancelling our internet subscription and asking me if I've had any luck finding somewhere to live. But he hasn't told his new landlord that he'll definitely take the room, he's said he still has to sort things out first. Does that mean he hasn't decided 100% if he wants us to live separately?
I live in hope...

[swargolet]

I'm sorry but I think it is scenario A. That is pretty much how my ex let go of me. She wouldn't come right out and say what was wrong or if it was over, she just tried to let me go easily.
I ended up just telling her "I dont want an I dont know answer, give me a definitive yes or no" I asked her if she thought there was any hope in going back out, sadly the answer was no. I think that is what you need to do. Ask him to give you a real answer.
There is no sense dragging out something that isn't going to work. It will just make it harder. You need to look deep inside and see what is best right now for your relationship. I know the first thing that will come to mind is that it'd be best if you guys would stick it out and one day get married, but is that really whats best?
You both have changed. You got together at a young age and from the sounds of it you guys had a great relationship, but since it started at a young age you guys have changed and grown apart. I think you have to let it go and move on. It will be tough but I know you can do it. You will pull through this.

[Gigabitch]

You call it hope, I call it denial. There's nothing wrong with trying, Muffie, but you're expending your energy in a pointless direction. You want him back? Try to figure out what it is that he wants that he's not getting from you. You're just pining away, hoping he'll change his mind. That's what you've BEEN doing. It's not working.

[Muffin Princess]

Swargolet, that sounds all too familiar. I asked him for weeks and weeks and kept getting "I don't know", even when I told him to stop saying that as it was making it so much worse, he still says "I don't know." when I ask him if he thinks he can love me again, when I ask him if he thinks we can get back what we had, it's always "I don't know." and he has said he'd be willing to try again after we've had a break. But, as gigabitch says, I think I'm probably living in denial. I hate hanging on a rope and wish he'd just tell me either way...!

[IndiReloaded]

Its over. You don't see it yet b/c you don't WANT to see it.

He wants to get with this other gal. If he comes back to you (don't bet on it), it will only be until he finds someone else who has what he's looking for.

Ppl change and move on. Yes, you were together for 5 years, but ppl are married for *25* years and then decide to move on. In other words, time is irrelevant to these situations.

Have more respect for yourself. Don't be a PlanB girl. Don't wait for him to decide your life. The best thing you can do is thank him for the time you had and wish him well in his search but that you're not going to hang around waiting for someone who doesn't appreciate what he has. Then YOU cut contact with HIM.

Oh, btw, his "I don't know" is man-speak for "No, I don't want you anymore but I don't have the balls to be honest about it".

[sthforreal]

I hope u wont wait around for him to come back. It's not worth it. Even if he comes back to u, I just dun think it will be the same. Once he moves out, it's done.

He doesnt even know what he wants. It seems he's uncertain about so many things between u two. So why waste ur time? Move on before its too late.

[Muffin Princess]

So it's been one month today since he broke up with me so I thought I'd update. He's still being all vague with me. I think I know deep down that he isn't going to come back to me and I'm trying to accept that, but he keeps messing me about and giving me false hope. I'd accepted that it was over, and I felt fine for about a week, but then he decided he wanted to talk about things all over again, even though we just talked about all the same things and it didn't get us anywhere, which I think was really unfair of him to put me back into that turmoil when I was doing ok. Once again he said he misses 'us' and wants to get that back, and yet he hasn't done anything to try and get it back, he said we'll "play it by ear."

I told him I wanted a definite answer so I can start to get on with my life and he didn't understand this. His exact words were "Unless you've got a harem of men waiting for you, I don't see why you can't just carry on as normal." So, to him, the only reason I need to know if we're going to work things out is so I can start screwing other men. He doesn't seem to understand that it's a state of mind, if I'm hanging in a limbo, then I can't get on with my life IN MY HEAD and start the healing process, not just because I want to start dating other men.

One thing I did find out, though, was that he was bored of our sex life. And, rather than talk about it with me, he just avoided sex as much as possible with stupid excuses like he was too tired, too hungry (?!), too busy or whatever. And if I tried to ask him about it, why he was avoiding sex, he just told me I was being stupid, he wasn't avoiding it. But now, a month after breaking up with me, he decides to tell me the truth, that he was bored of the same old stuff and wanted to try new and different things. So why the hell didn't he tell me this while we were still together and had a chance at fixing things?

He still has a crush on this other woman and his friends are actively encouraging him to pursue her even though she has a boyfriend. When I tell him to leave her alone because she's happy in her relationship, they all get mad at me and tell me that I have no right to stop him moving on with his life! They don't seem to have any morals and don't care that she has a boyfriend, they make me sick. And also, he obviously hasn't told them that he's told me he's going to try and work things out with me, so of course I'm mad that he's after this other woman. And if anyone is stopping someone from moving on with their life, it's HIM doing it to ME by not giving me a definite answer. He is finally realising that he can't have her, though, and is telling his friends that he's going to hold back and not pursue her, which is the most sensible and mature thing he's done in this whole situation, but they're still encouraging him! I try so hard not to get involved, but I can't help but feel sorry for her boyfriend who has no idea. Thankfully, she's not interested in him so that's a good thing and hopefully he'll realise that he just has a stupid crush and get over it.

I would like to get on with the healing process, but unfortunately I'm still in the denial stage and the bastard isn't helping me to start getting over him because he's messing me about. I'm dreading moving out as I know the pain will be unbearable after living together for over four years, but at the same time I know that it will be the best thing for me as I can finally start to get over him and move on with my life if he isn't there to hurt me any more. Three more weeks until we move into separate houses, I shall update once that's done.

And if you've read this whole thing then I'm very impressed and honoured that you took the time to do so, thank you!

[sthforreal]

Its sad to see how some people encourage ones to chase after someone who is already in a relationship. I dun understand how they can live without any morals and yet when someone do the same thing to them, they get pissed. My ex is exactly that type of person, hypocrite.

Anyways, I'm glad that you're moving on and I hope you'll stick to it. With time goes by, you'll be alright. Actually I am going through a similar phase too, and I get better and better every day.

[bluesummer]

I hope his actions are starting to reveal to you more clearly WHY it is a good thing for you to be out of this relationship.

He's hedging because he's not man enough to give you the straight up truth. Also, he doesn't want his ego hurt by finding out you're running around with other men - although it's okay for him to pursue other women. He'd rather think you're sitting at home, pining over him and behaving like a nun. Screw that. Him and his friends sound like jerks to me. Move on.

[Muffin Princess]

Gah I posted a reply but the forum crashed!
sthforreal, yeah it's just so sad and wrong that people are selfish enough to chase after people even when they're in a relationship. He did exactly the same thing with me and eventually wore me down until I broke up with my boyfriend for him, and now he's doing the same thing again. I wonder how many girls he's going to do it to?

bluesummer, yes his bad behaviour is certainly helping me to get over him more quickly and easily. I am trying to move on as best I can, more than anything I want to show him that I can have fun and be strong without him, and that thought is motivating me!

[Lite]

yes his bad behaviour is certainly helping me to get over him more quickly and easily. I am trying to move on as best I can, more than anything I want to show him that I can have fun and be strong without him, and that thought is motivating me!

Now the next step. Figuring out why you allowed yourself to enter into such a relationship under those circumstances to being with rather than just telling him to go **** himself outright.