Friends with benefits, casual partners, **** buddies, etc...

[swargolet]

Well my friends and I were talking about this and we really couldn't come to a conclusion about a couple things. First off as the title says I'm talking about friends with benefits. If you dont know what that is, it is pretty much friends that have casual sex. So there are no strings attached, just having fun.

1. Can this really work? Can there really be no strings attached and just have fun?

2. I know that any chance you have to make it work you need some rules laid out. What types of rules can you think of?

3. Should any sleeping together be allowed? So lets say you have casual sex just before bed, should you guys stay in the same bed or leave?

4. This is probably the most important question. Should this be allowed if you are in a relationship already? Lets say you have 2 casual partners Mike and Katie (random names) and Katie has a bf Joe and Mike has a gf Michelle. No one knows about the casual sex besides Mike and Katie, even Michelle and Joe dont know, but the 2 partners know 100% that it is just fun no strings attached sex and nothing more.


Here is what we talked about with each question.

1. We think it could work but most of the time wont because one person would slowly start getting feelings for the other and then it would either fall apart or they would date so it wouldnt stay as FWB.

2. We thought of some rules that might be good.
- No dates! The partners could hang out together or with friends but no going out to dinner or anything that a normal bf/gf would do.
- No talking about other partners unless you are questioning about STDs.
- Always use some sort of protection.
-If any feelings arise STOP the interactions immediately unless both partners have the feelings, then pursue the relationship further.
- No holding hands. (unless you are supporting the partner during sex of course!)
- Do not tell others about it! There is no need to brag or anything, it is just fun times with one person.

3. This came up when we were talking about rules. At first we said no sleeping together since that would usually involve cuddling of some sort, but then someone brought up the fact that you can lay with someone without having any real feelings for them. It is like laying with a stuffed animal or a pet, it is just nice to have someone/something there with you. So we were undecided on this one. I say yes ONLY if it is too late for the other partner to leave.

4. This was the hardest one. Some of my friends at first said straight up NO because it is cheating, but as we talked about it, it slowly became more accepted. We said that if you masturbate and you arent thinking about your gf/wife is that cheating? It is a similar thing except you have that person there. You are having sex with someone just for fun. There are no attachments at all and it will not progress any further than casual sex, but what if it did? Here is where the problems come in. Ok yes it might be casual sex but first off why would you need to have casual sex with a friend if you have a bf/gf? If you have more fun with the casual sex partner then you will most likely start to lose feelings for your real partner thus causing that relationship to fail. Or what if you do start to get feelings for your casual partner. This is the most likely situation. The feelings would most likely end up ruining not only your friendship but also any relationship you are in.
I am personally still split about 50/50 on this question. At times I can see it being OK other times I can see it just being devastating. What I've been trying to do is look at it from the POV of the gf.bf that doesnt know about it. What would I think if I heard my gf had a casual sex partner. I would start to think "oh am I not good enough?" or "Does she have a 2nd relationship with him?" I think it all depends on what my gf was like and what the guy was like. If I knew the guy personally and knew what kind of guy he was and if I knew that I could trust my gf and that it wouldnt become anymore than casual sex then I think I might allow it. Who knows maybe I'd join in But also one of the main things we talked about was not letting anyone know about the casual sex. So that means I wouldnt know thus I would get pissed when I found out. Really at the end of this talk 2 of us were about 50/50 one guy was dead set against it, and another guy was just like "I dont care, if it really is casual then it wouldnt affect me or my relationship".

So what are all your thoughts on those 4? Maybe you guys can even think of more things to ask.

[vashti]

FWB is a dumb arrangement that screws up friendships. Why bother when it is so easy to have casual sex with a stranger that won't mess up any existing relationships? How will your future partners feel about hanging around your former fcuk-buddies? Additionally, I don't know any female who has done this that didn't harbor a secret wish to see her fcuk-buddy move into a boyfriend position, nor have I seen an male that hoped for anything more than casual sex.

Bad idea for short-sighted people.

[ecojeanne]

here is a list of sti's you can catch even when you wear a condom

spreading the love huh?

herpes
warts
scabies
lice
crabs
Molluscum contagiosum
Genital warts
Hepatitis B
Syphilis

i say wait and choose a nice person to care about and to have regular sex with

[Cbrider]

This sounds like a script for some shitty reality t.v. show tbh.

[Gigabitch]

Dude. Damn. Somehow, you and your friends came to the conclusion that cheating is basically the same as masturbating, so it's okay?

No, no, no. Do NOT take advice from these guys about relationships.

Women are not wired for FWB. You could probably pull it off with another guy (dharmiclove would enjoy this post), but with a girl, somebody is likely to get hurt.

[misombra]

i've never seen a fwb situation work out well. never.

[carl1222]

i've never seen a fwb situation work out well. never.

I actually was in one once and it worked well for both of us. We were both single, working full time, going to law school at night and studying all weekend. Neither of us had the time to devote to a "normal relationship" (the relationship failure rate for law students is horrendous!).

We weren't really each others' "type", but we had become very good friends at school.

During the final exam period each semester for 3 years, we studied together and had lots of sex mainly for stress relief.

I agree though that the chances of a FWB relationship not hurting someone is small. In our case, we were both attracted enough to enjoy sex (and us being very good friends helped because we trusted each other), but not attracted enough to think of each other "that way."

Carl.

[sarah_rsl]

I think friendship can be a stronger bond than a lot of romantic relationships people enter into in. I also think its possible for men and women to be close friends without sex interfering.

I don't like the term friends with benefits but I do think its possible to turn to friends for sex without that friendship being damaged. Its not going to be some emotionless meaningless purely physical experience, like it or not you're entering into a relationship and that relationship is going to place its own demands on you both.

Anywho purely on the basis of sex, on the few occassions I've gone into these type of relationships the sex was incredible right from the beginning. It's different from the sex in what you might call a normal relationship, you know each other, you're comfortable with each other and when you're together in bed it shows.

There's also the experimentation aspect of it I found myself trying things in the context of a relationship that had defined limits that I wouldn't in a normal romantic one. Also sex with friends often isn't confined to the opposite sex, when I've had sex with other women, on both occassions they were mates first and sexual partners (for a time) later. I still consider myself to mates with all these people.

Anywho all that in mind FWB does not equal casual sex

[vashti]

Never trust the opinion of someone who uses the term "anywho".

I'm just sayin'....

[Indignant]

FWB is a dumb arrangement that screws up friendships. Why bother when it is so easy to have casual sex with a stranger that won't mess up any existing relationships? How will your future partners feel about hanging around your former fcuk-buddies? Additionally, I don't know any female who has done this that didn't harbor a secret wish to see her fcuk-buddy move into a boyfriend position, nor have I seen an male that hoped for anything more than casual sex.

Bad idea for short-sighted people.

uhm, i've done this.

[Gigabitch]

FWB does not equal casual sex

That's a very interesting point. I think I usually make that assumption, that the reason people are engaging in this is that they just don't want the hassle of a relationship.

I suppose, like in Carl's scenario, some people just honestly don't have the time.

I've still never seen it work, though. I've seen it NOT work plenty of times. Lots of tears have been cried on my shoulder about this.

[swargolet]

I only know one person who has tried this and it has worked for them. They hang out and if they have time they have "casual" sex. The only unusual think is both partners are in a romantic relationship with someone else.
Now most people would say this is cheating, but how do we define cheating? Some people say it starts at a kiss or at a flirt but there really is no defined answer.
When I think of cheating I think of something that should only be one with your gf/wife. But then you ask why should certain things be limited to your gf/wife. Well the answer is, because if you do those things with someone else then it is saying you dont care about your gf/wife or you have feelings for someone else. BUT not everything you do with someone else means that you have feelings for them. Some people are naturally flirty because it is fun, but they mean nothing by it. I wouldnt consider this cheating. Some people LOVE giving long close hugs (my ex did) but there was nothing meant by it, there were no feelings attached to that hug. Some things such as cuddling should be kept in the relationship because I can't see how someone can cuddle without there being some sort of feeling, and I dont mean just holding someone else, I mean holding them, their hand, rubbing their sholder back etc..
Now to the sex part. Yes most people reserve this to their gf/wife because with almost all long term sex there are feelings. If you have a proper FWB feelins shouldnt be there, and if they start to arise then the FWB should be stopped immediately.

I think it all depends on the person. Like Carl said, they were good friends and saw the sex just as a stress reliever, nothing else.

I can see how FWB can turn out badly but they usually do if one partner gets feelings for the other since many times the other partner doesnt feel the same way.

O by the way, I also dont like the term friends with benefits. It seems like you are just using the friend. **** buddies is also a bad term. Casual friends? eh... kinda works.

Overall I think this could go either way.

[misombra]

I actually was in one once and it worked well for both of us. We were both single, working full time, going to law school at night and studying all weekend. Neither of us had the time to devote to a "normal relationship" (the relationship failure rate for law students is horrendous!).

We weren't really each others' "type", but we had become very good friends at school.

During the final exam period each semester for 3 years, we studied together and had lots of sex mainly for stress relief.

I agree though that the chances of a FWB relationship not hurting someone is small. In our case, we were both attracted enough to enjoy sex (and us being very good friends helped because we trusted each other), but not attracted enough to think of each other "that way."

Carl.

how did it all end?

[Indignant]

i love having sex, however have not found that one person whom i'd want to have a relationship. therefore it really helps to have fcuk buddies in my case. no one is hurt, no expectations.

[DoesntMatter]

i love having sex, however have not found that one person whom i'd want to have a relationship. therefore it really helps to have fcuk buddies in my case. no one is hurt, no expectations.

I wish you lived in the US. Don't you live in Russia or Australia or something?