Calling all members, help! Any and all advice is needed, please give this a read!

[enjoilife17]

I'm a 17 year old guy, good with women and am full of confidence. Sometimes that may even hurt me. So I really like this girl, a grade older than me (senior) and we hit it off real well, went to a few parties together, talked on the phone and texted like a couple. I know that in past relationships it has really benefited me to keep my hand close to my chest and not really reveal much about myself until I've been dating the girl for a few months.

With this gal I had no problem being open and just spilling out information about anything.. it just felt right. I'm an intellectual kind of person that isn't always focused on the next girl I get to fxxk. I enjoy discussing politics, religion, foreign affairs, sex, music, whatever comes to mind... and this was one of the only girls that could hold a conversation with me. That's what was so attractive.

So we went to a movie a few days ago, kind of a double date.. I really enjoyed it I had a great time we held hands and cuddled and whispered back and forth. Then I drove everyone home and called it a night.

Now... I'm not really sure about the two day rule thing? After the first date.. but I basically texted her that night and just let her know I had a great time and she looked gorgeous. That's it. Ever since then it's been a struggle to talk to her. She normally is really cheery and HEY! blah blah blah the conversation flows, if you know what I mean.

So then I say, what's wrong I know somethings up... and I get something I never, NEVER get. I just want to be friends, don't hate me, you're awesome, I'm not over my ex. Now, I can understand that shes not over her ex but honestly, this guys a douche bag, with not much upstairs and isn't good looking at all. I've never had a problem with competition and I thought I had taken care of that and she was all mine.

I'm confused, lost, somewhat depressed and have no idea what to say, just bewildered. I understand disappointment is part of life and I have to learn to accept it, and I do. But I'm not the kind of guy to just let a good opportunity or girl pass me by. So please, help. I would greatly appreciate it.

Don't give me any trash answers like "jst tell her u love her itll be o.K.!!!". I'm plenty competent enough to understand deep answers. I'll follow any set of instructions... I just need a lift.

Cheers,
Thomas

[Cain]

There's not much to say. She's either telling the truth or she's lying. Either way, she's not interested right now.

If she's not over her ex, that is something she'll need to work on before she can move on into any relationship.

[enjoilife17]

Yeah but shit bro give me a lead is there anything I can say/do to speed up the process?

Just wimping out like that is saying to this other motherfvcker that he can just have her. That can't happen.

Give me some substance. Something I can take action with.

[pinkpuca84]

I think u can only tell her how u feel, that u like her and all..and the rest is up to her decision. that's all i can think of. sorry

[doppelgaenger]

Chill man, you're 17 years old, you seem pretty mature for your age and you've got your whole life ahead of you.

The best thing for you to do at this point is throw the ball in her court by telling her how awesome she has been (I.e. a great conversationalist, apart from other people), that you enjoyed your dates together, and you understand about the ex.

Don't offer to wait until she is over, don't be cocky, don't tell her any of that 'if you wanna be with a real man' crap. That's what a lot of guys your age tend to do in this kind of situation. If you present yourself like a straightforward, polite young man, this girl will probably come back to you, if not think twice about her douche bag ex.

And don't tell her that her ex is a douche bag. I don't think you're that foolish, but I thought I'd say this anyway; she still has feelings for him, and that would obviously offend her.

Good luck. I'd like to hear how it goes.

EDIT: If you follow through with my advice, be sure to stop contacting her after you put the ball in her court. She'll come to you if/when she's ready.

[Cain]

Yeah but shit bro give me a lead is there anything I can say/do to speed up the process?

Just wimping out like that is saying to this other motherfvcker that he can just have her. That can't happen.

Give me some substance. Something I can take action with.

What's the point?

She had the chance to be with you and she blew it. Why continue going after her? If anything, you'll only push her away more.

Don't let the competition sway your judgment. If you push this and try to make her get over her ex on your time and not hers, it's likely going to bite you in the ass at a later time.

One thing you need to consider is that she may have said that just to let you down easy. She may not be interested in you.

[Bo]

I say just talk to her like a friend from now on, don't give her too much attention and see how it plays out. You don't necessarily have to act like you're no longer interested in her but don't continue to actively pursue her either.
And getting over an ex is a pretty big thing, so give her some time to adjust and when/if she's ready for more from you she'll probably hint it somehow and you take it from there. Right now there's not much you can do.

[enjoilife17]

First off, Doppel- thank you my man, some excellent advice.

Secondly, Cain... I don't know how to put this bro, but I believe the issue isn't the fact that I'm not interesting enough, it is that she is not over her ex. I'm not going to be a cocky bastard right now and tell you I'm Rico Suave, but I have no doubts about where I sit on the social chain and where she sits as well. I pick and choose my battles, I've got faith that I am well capable of winning this one.

After collaborating with a few buddies, hearing some advice from the old and young and this forum as well, I think my best bet would be to call her up tomorrow, let her know I've got plenty of friends and am in no need of her on those terms (I refuse to become a friend-zone only person that is a walking stick and a shoulder for her to cry on), and that I understand about her ex and that I respect her decision. Lastly I might add I enjoyed the company and conversation we shared through our few weeks. Then I'll tell her to figure herself out, and let me know when that happens. Then it's in her hands...

I'll remain friendly in person if she says hi, but distant otherwise unless she shows serious interest.

That's my plan of attack- any other opinions/perspectives that may be of use?

Thanks again,
Thomas

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Ok....you've only got 4 posts and you annoy me with how much you talk about yourself. Your good looking, smart, blah blah...get over yourself!

Secondly, you're looking for a way to fight for a girl who still wants her ex. She is NOT over him so she is NOT going to want you. YOU may think he is a douchebag, but she obviously sees something in him that she still loves and even if he did her wrong, he did have her heart before you. You cant force the girl to get over this guy, she has to gradually do it on her own. I do believe you will regret trying to pursue her because even if you do get her, she isnt over him. So do you really think you're gonna be the guy on her mind? Nope, you're gonna be the rebound. She was nice enough to not use you as an emotional tampon and let you know whats what.

Maybe when her head is straight and she is definitely over him you can make a move. Until then, do not try and pursue her. You will only put more pressure on her.

[enjoilife17]

Ouch! Nisha, thank you that kind of brought me back to reality.

I was just trying to imply in greater detail of why this girl means so much to me, because she is smart and able to hold a good conversation.

I apologize if I came off in a cocky manner.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

It's understandable. But seriously, you should not push it on to her. She'll probably cut you off completely as even friends. So hold on to what you got and appreciate it. For all you know, the possibility is always there for a future between you two, just not now.

[IndiReloaded]

Be her friend. Listen to her & support her emotionally. Get to the point where she will let you hug her (but stop there). This will make her chemically attached to you (seriously). When she is calling YOU, and texting YOU first, then let her know that you need to 'cut back' on your friendship b/c you are developing feelings for her. She will freak out (if she likes you). She will probably pursue you at that point & from then on you are golden.

Short version: Become friend ---> Best friend ----> Threaten to cut off her dependence on you ---> crisis (for her, you planned this) ----> she is yours.

BTW, if this doesn't work, then she's not at all into you. Which means you cut bait. Don't become her emotional tampon w/o getting anything out of it.

Good luck.

[Junket]

Ok....you've only got 4 posts and you annoy me with how much you talk about yourself. Your good looking, smart, blah blah...get over yourself!

Secondly, you're looking for a way to fight for a girl who still wants her ex. She is NOT over him so she is NOT going to want you. YOU may think he is a douchebag, but she obviously sees something in him that she still loves and even if he did her wrong, he did have her heart before you. You cant force the girl to get over this guy, she has to gradually do it on her own. I do believe you will regret trying to pursue her because even if you do get her, she isnt over him. So do you really think you're gonna be the guy on her mind? Nope, you're gonna be the rebound. She was nice enough to not use you as an emotional tampon and let you know whats what.

Maybe when her head is straight and she is definitely over him you can make a move. Until then, do not try and pursue her. You will only put more pressure on her.

I agree with this post.

Secondly, as a guy, you see this as a challenge, thus your rally to take action.

Unfortunately, this is where most guys stumble when it comes to relationships. You want to do something to fix the problem, but quite frankly, this problem is entirely out of your hands. Guys frequently shoot themselves in the foot here and fail to understand how, and continue the mistake in other relationships. Instead of referring to your past relationships as reference, you need to step back and take notes from this one. What you can learn here is key.

And yeah, chill the f*ck out.

[enjoilife17]

Sorry again.

Thanks for all the help though I really appreciate it.

I'm so torn right now because I know exactly what I'd like to tell her on the phone, in a polite manner, but it would basically throw the ball in her court and I'd have to just let it play out, and we probably wouldn't be friends until she made a move.

I'd love to be her friend, but to be honest I'm not really interested in being her shoulder to cry on as her BEST friend... I feel like that would make me a guy in her friend zone... permanently.

So I could either just call her up, let her know and stick with my original plan... or I could do a more docile approach and ask her what her feelings are, what I can do to help her get over him, and that I want to be friends... while running the risk that I get stuck in friend zone.

Which road gives me a better chance?