Can a woman really be my best friend and my lover?

[Sureality]

I need honest advice from women. I fear that I've learned a lesson at a terrible cost. The love of my life, the one that promised to always be mine, to be my lover and my partner and my best friend has pulled away from me. This isn't the first time but I think its for good, its always because I trust her and let out my vunerable side, my insecurities. She just seems so sincere and caring when she says she loves me, I remember her promises and fall into the trap. It seems so unfair because I am her best friend, I accept her even when she isn't being very attractive because I know that she's more than her momentary vulnerabilities but maybe that's just the protective man in me. Looking back I'm sure its happened with other women as well as I was very shy with women as a kid. Right now I'm giving her space and moving on with my life but is there any hope that I can actually have a lover and a best friend in the same woman?

[Cbrider]

I'm not really sure what to tell you because I don't have much of a story from you.

What I can tell you is that your spouse should be your best friend and you should be able to talk and open up with them about anything down to your deepest and darkest corners.

[Mish]

Right now I'm giving her space and moving on with my life but is there any hope that I can actually have a lover and a best friend in the same woman?

Yes she can

What do I do?

Move on

[shybelle]

Sureality,
I do not know enough about your particular situation to offer specific advice. I would say that yes you can have a lover and a best friend in the same person. Sometimes people pull away out of fear of being hurt or inflicting pain on those they care about. I do not know if this is the case in your relationship. You mention that this has happened before is your SO aware of this? I only ask because I learned that I tend to pull away in relationships (even my close friendships) because I was told this directly. We had a one on one heart to heart talk one day. For the record those types of talks scare me crapless.

She may not know how this is affecting you. Have you ever spoken with her about this in the past? I'm just wondering because for me until I was told that "Somedays it feels like I am starting all over with you from square one." I did not realize how you much you can possibly hurt someone by pulling away from them. As funny as it sounds, I did not realize that once someone else is in your space/ life that you should not continually make them prove that they are trustworthy etc. Some people fear rejection or being hurt so much that they would rather not be close than risk that kind of pain. Other times the person may fear hurting you in the long run because they know they are not ready for this type and relationship and may one day bale on you without any rhyme or reason. Again, I do not know if this is your situation.

Hopefully, the relationship is salvageable. I would say do not give up on the possiblity of having a best friend and lover in the same woman. She may just not be that person and it is not because she is a bad person or because you did something wrong. She may simply need more time. IHTH.

[heavensgate]

ohhh.. you should not search for love to come.. let love find you.. but its possible to have a best friend and a woman at the same time..

[tonikessler]

Not only can you have a lover and a best friend in the same woman, but you should not settle for anything less.

[ButterflyDreamz]

Is this the same indecisive woman you were going on about a few weeks ago?

[Gigabitch]

Well, here's another perspective: she can be your "best" friend, but she shouldn't be your only friend. That's just stupid. You need a support network, not just one person, or you'll be totally hosed should anything bad ever happen (like she breaks up with you).

I'm really close to my husband, but I would never call him my best friend. My best friend is the person that would be there for me in case he suddenly was not.

[vashti]

More details, please. What exactly did you do?

[arpilicious]

first of all yes. your best friend can be your lover/signicificant other. it's just how it ends up especially if you're in a loving relationship. my bf and i are best friends but we still have friends on the side.

think about it this way: if you're meant to be together find a way back

if she wants space give it to her. but make sure to let her know you're there if you need her.

don't become a hermit though. go out have fun take your space too...

[Sureality]

Is this the same indecisive woman you were going on about a few weeks ago?

Yes she is the genesis of the question but it made me think about other relationships both mine and other people I've known. I'm not so sure she's indecisive since she pulled away from me, she's just not very communicative I guess.

[Sureality]

Well, here's another perspective: she can be your "best" friend, but she shouldn't be your only friend. That's just stupid. You need a support network, not just one person, or you'll be totally hosed should anything bad ever happen (like she breaks up with you).

I'm really close to my husband, but I would never call him my best friend. My best friend is the person that would be there for me in case he suddenly was not.

I have many friends thank goodness. My question I quess is are you your husbands friend, can he be vulnerable with you without fear of you pulling away?

[Sureality]

Thank you for all the responses. The "what do I do" question wasn't appropriate, it's gone so please ignore that. This is really about whether a woman friend/lover can really be and if so how all of you see this happening. I have many very good friends men and women who I am able to count on even when I'm feeling insecure or sad or whatever, I guess when I think of being a best friend to someone I think that it means allowing them to share that vulnerabilty and others without it fundamentally changing your relationship, even though you may share in the hurt of these feelings with your friend. With your SO this may be harder or at least more intense. I have been supportive and felt the strain of that for my SO but I always felt good about doing it because I love them. In fact I feel honored that they would trust me with this vulnerability. I get the sense that me sharing this vulnerabilty with my SO has pushed them away, is this just something that guys can't do with their female SO? Do your SOs share this with you? Does it push you away? If so can you set this aside and support them? and finally are you still able to feel the same attraction and stength in your relationship afterwards? Does your SO have to somehow earn this back?