"Curiosity killed the relationship"

[swargolet]

Just like the saying "Curiosity killed the cat" I think the above saying works just as well.

So here is my question to all you Love Forum members.
Why do so many people rummage through their partners/ex's email, IMs, texts, listen into calls, etc.. only to find out something that hurts them. It could be anything from a small misunderstanding such as a joke between friends or something kinda big that was a mistake on the partners fault. Or many times after a break-up when the ex is in a new relationship the other ex many times watched too closely or kinda investigates into the new relationship only to just get hurt from what they find.

It seems stupid that so many people do this and many times they do it knowing that they will be hurt.

I'm not going to lie, I've done it and even when doing it I though "hey this is a bad idea because I'm pretty sure what I find I wont like" but yet I continued on until I found something then I felt like shit. I have seen/heard plenty of other people do this also.

So what makes people do this?

[doppelgaenger]

Do you mean rummage through old conversations they had with their ex, or illegally invade their ex's privacy by snooping through their emails ims and so forth?

Well people usually do that because there was a problem in the relationship that was never resolved, that makes the person insecure.

[Gigabitch]

I've done this. It was only once, and yes, it opened a big, ugly can of worms. It exposed a great, big lie and almost ruined my relationship.

But there's the question as I see it: Did my snooping destroy trust or did the lie destroy trust?

I think it was the latter. Sometimes we need to know things, even when we don't want to know. Even when it hurts.

[doppelgaenger]

But there's the question as I see it: Did my snooping destroy trust or did the lie destroy trust?

Well I think it depends on the lie.

[Gigabitch]

Any lie destroys trust to some degree.

[sir_vile_minds]

As people have said it happens because the person says or does something that makes the other feel insecure about it and so they go snooping for "proof" so to speak. Sometimes though it's good to find some things because it could uncover the truth that you've been living a lie etc.

Yes it'll hurt but it'll be worth it in the long run. I have a good example of this:

4 years ago my mum was in a bad relationship with a complete dick. Well, on the day he left we went through the history and found various dominatrix, porn and dating sites where he'd (illiterately) been emailing other women and saying he was submissive and stuff. Then later on in the year we found out that he'd been looking at smut and (possibly staged) snuff photos. The fact that we found that stuff made my mum feel better that he was gone there and then. So yes, in the long run it can be good but it's still not the most of angelic things to do.

[Bo]

ok, well the only reason i can think of for people going to through a partner's e-mail, phone or whatever is because they suspect that something is up. So they go and try to find out if there is something going on and in the process the majority of the time people do find stuff that hurts them. But i would much rather be hurt by finding something, than suspect something is up and just lie to myself.

[Mish]

So what makes people do this?

It could be for a whole variety of justifiable and non-justifiable reasons. From personal insecurities to legitimate evidence based worry that the person is being cheated. I think it all depends on the individual circumstance.

[TheTooya]

I was an only child with just my mom raising me, and every guy she ever dated she investigated when they weren't looking. She would go through their email, their voice messages, callerID, mail, even go as far as to check their pillows... you name it. As a kid, I never understood her logic. I would ask, why is she going out of her way to examine her bfs, when shes just going to find something bad, if anything at all....

Turned out her gut instinct was always right, almost every guy she dated was a cheating asshole.

Now, my view is definitely I see nothing wrong with a little bit of snooping. True, there should be a level of trust that people shouldn't need to cheat... but the even bigger truth: too many ****ing people cheat.

Its better to completely know your relationship is solid than to find out about foul play later on...

[carl1222]

I was an only child with just my mom raising me, and every guy she ever dated she investigated when they weren't looking. She would go through their email, their voice messages, callerID, mail, even go as far as to check their pillows... you name it. As a kid, I never understood her logic. I would ask, why is she going out of her way to examine her bfs, when shes just going to find something bad, if anything at all....

Turned out her gut instinct was always right, almost every guy she dated was a cheating asshole.

Now, my view is definitely I see nothing wrong with a little bit of snooping. True, there should be a level of trust that people shouldn't need to cheat... but the even bigger truth: too many ****ing people cheat.

Its better to completely know your relationship is solid than to find out about foul play later on...

I somewhat agree, but I would modify it a bit.

I would snoop ... but ONLY if I had a tangible and rational reason to doubt their trustworthiness. I can understand caution from experience but prejudice in a relationship is wrong just as prejudice in anything else.

I guess "trust but verify" works well in international politics, but in relationships I choose to "trust until proven wrong" because snooping is a breach of trust too.

Carl.

[carl1222]

Do you mean rummage through old conversations they had with their ex, or illegally invade their ex's privacy by snooping through their emails ims and so forth?

Well people usually do that because there was a problem in the relationship that was never resolved, that makes the person insecure.

Perhaps a minor point, but cracking someone else's private conversations, unless they have given you their passwords, IS against the law.

[TheTooya]

.

I guess "trust but verify" works well in international politics, but in relationships I choose to "trust until proven wrong" because snooping is a breach of trust too.

Carl.

I have never found myself in a situation where I had to snoop... I agree it is a breach of trust, but in the same breath someone feeling the need to snoop is indicative of other things..... problems in the relationship, problem with the person, etc...