Love from the past

[syn]

Hey all,

I need some advice with my current situation. It's long, so bare with me. She was my first love. So was I. We started talking nine years ago when we were still young. We were just attracted towards each other, couldn't resist each other's present. We always felt connected. We loved each other dearly. The sad thing is we had to be apart against our own will because we studied at different schools and it was almost impossible for us to meet and see each other. So we decided to go our own ways.

Time went on and four years later we bumped into each other a couple of times, once in my school during an inter-school competition and another time at a different place. These fateful meetings rekindled the spark and later that year we started talking again over the internet. Not long after that, knowing how well we already knew each other, we decided to be together again. Things were great, there was nothing more I could ask from her. We just felt so compatible with each other. We could just talk and entertain each other the whole day without making much effort. From that moment I knew she was the one I want to spend with for the rest of my life.

A year had passed and things had never been better between us. Although we still couldn't see and meet up anytime we wanted to because her parents were strict. So we talked a lot on the phone. We went out to the beach at times, went for movies, had lunch and all. It was all great until I was rewarded a scholarship to study abroad that year. We agreed that we would try a long distance relationship and we did. We tried our bestest to keep our relationship alive, (or at least I did) I called her every weekends but it did not last long. Around the same time I flew, she got into a technical school and met a guy. I guess she fell in love. And I guess she just couldn't stand and got tired being in a long distance relationship. So after a few months, she decided to break up with me. She dumped me for this guy. But I couldn't just put the blame on her for what she did. It was my decision too to take the scholarship.

I took the fall and I never felt so down in my entire life. I just had to accept and respect her decisions. She needed someone who could be around her, take care of her. Obviously the guy had the best advantage of winning her heart compared to me. I was thousands of miles away. So I had to give up and let her go. It was the hardest thing to do. I fought all these three years just to move on. I've been going out with a few girls but none made me feel the same way as she did. We lost contact, which made it a little easier at least. This month, it would be the third year since we broke up.

Then, out of the blue, a little over a week ago, she said hi on Facebook chat. She added me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago but I ignored her, thinking that she added me by accident, you know through the e-mail contacts method? But I was wrong. We started talking again. Just like how we were since the first day we knew each other nine years ago. We still connect like we always do. We really enjoyed each other's company very much just like how we used to. Then, she confessed that she still loves me and she misses me. She said all the things I wished she did when she broke up with me three years ago. It's like our love is rekindled once again and we allowed ourselves to fall in love with each other one more time. At one point, I feel so ecstatic just to hear that she still have feelings for me all along all this time. At another point, I felt guilty. The thing is, she's still with the guy she had dumped me for.

She's stuck in a love triangle. I said to her that this is not fair for her boyfriend and that if anything happens, I would be more than ready to back out from this. Besides I'm still here on my scholarship, just a few more years left. She just doesn't know what to do, who to choose because she loves him too but she doesn't want to let me go again. She said she would rather be single than to choose. Well, she can't have everything.

We knew we love each other from the start. We've been in love for nine years, for God's sake! For me, it has always been her. Likewise, for her.

I just don't know what to do now. We finally talked on the phone today after years of absence. She has always been the person I want to spend with for the rest of my life. I'd do anything to be with her again. But I don't want to tell her what to do because it has to be her choice whom she want to be with.

What should I do?

Once, I said to her: "If I love you enough to let you go, will you love me enough to come back?"

[Lite]

I'd suggest that she refrain from making overtures to you of any romantic nature until she has decided what to do w/ her current relationship. You need to respect yourself enough to not be the "other guy" in the relationship.

[syn]

Yes, right now I'm just trying to be her friend. We just talk about stuffs, nothing romantic, really.

[IndiReloaded]

What is it that you WANT, tho Syn?

[syn]

What is it that you WANT, tho Syn?

If there's a chance that we could be together again, I would want that.

Yes, I want to be with her again, no doubt about it. I wouldn't mind being in a long distance relationship with complicated timezones but then again, I don't know if she could commit this time, knowing that now we're a little mature since the last breakup. It takes two in a relationship =)

But I know that she doesn't want to let me go again, not this time. =) and neither do I.

[damn2008]

I hate it when people pull this stuff. They say they love you and want to be with you..YET THEY REMAIN WITH THEIR CURRENT GF/BF.

Damn people make up your mind.

[syn]

I hate it when people pull this stuff. They say they love you and want to be with you..YET THEY REMAIN WITH THEIR CURRENT GF/BF.

Damn people make up your mind.

Maybe they just don't know how to break it off after being together for quite a bit? Perhaps their current gf/bf is great too that dumping them wouldn't make them feel right? Is there such thing as being "owed" for what you have been given in a relationship?

Or confused? Or scared?

I don't know, just a thought

In my case, I think her bf isn't too bad for her taste too, to be honest. One thing though, she warned me not to text her in the morning because her bf checks her phone regularly. Now tell me is he just being uber sensitive or having trust issues? It's been almost three years now they've been going out.

[Lite]

Maybe they just don't know how to break it off after being together for quite a bit? Perhaps their current gf/bf is great too that dumping them wouldn't make them feel right? Is there such thing as being "owed" for what you have been given in a relationship?

Those are all excuses to not do the right thing and make an outright decision that requires them to hurt someone. Either the person they're newly wooing, or the person they're currently dating. It's a general sign of inability to make good decisions for themselves and their lives. Better to hurt people up front, than hurt them by pulling away slowly and turning yourself into a martyr for hanging on to a dying relationship for so long. Or dragging a new person through emotional turmoil while they wait to see what you'll do.

Nope, like I said. Tell her to come talk to you after she's done something. Not until then.

Either way she's using someone for her own needs, and will end up hurting one if not both of them longer term because of it.

[Gigabitch]

Yes, right now I'm just trying to be her friend. We just talk about stuffs, nothing romantic, really.

You are only fooling yourself. You're not her friend. Make sure she knows how to find you and then back the **** off so she can make her own decision.

[syn]

Better to hurt people up front, than hurt them by pulling away slowly and turning yourself into a martyr for hanging on to a dying relationship for so long.

I'm starting to think that she's afraid of hurting his feelings because she doesn't know how he would react. I didn't take it well when she broke it off with me the last time, she said she'd learned from it. Besides her bf is a tenfold more sensitive than I am. But I'm not the same as him, so she shouldn't assume that in the first place.

I did ask her if she is happy with him, she said yes. But at the same time, he made her feel miserable too. She admitted that she's tired of being in the relationship.

Lite, I couldn't agree more to the point you mentioned. I can see the point you guys are making. The last thing I need right now is to be her temporary emotional cushion. I should ignore her for awhile and let her come and find me when she's finally made her choice.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it. I guess it's a good thing I asked for some opinions first about my situation before I jumped into my own pool of decisions without foreseeing the consequences. I learned my mistakes from the last break up with her - I screwed up, pushed her away and made it a perfect reason for her to be with him instead. I'm just glad that she's come back now and I don't want to screw things up again.

[Lite]

I'm starting to think that she's afraid of hurting his feelings because she doesn't know how he would react. I didn't take it well when she broke it off with me the last time, she said she'd learned from it. Besides her bf is a tenfold more sensitive than I am. But I'm not the same as him, so she shouldn't assume that in the first place.

I did ask her if she is happy with him, she said yes. But at the same time, he made her feel miserable too. She admitted that she's tired of being in the relationship.

Lite, I couldn't agree more to the point you mentioned. I can see the point you guys are making. The last thing I need right now is to be her temporary emotional cushion. I should ignore her for awhile and let her come and find me when she's finally made her choice.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it. I guess it's a good thing I asked for some opinions first about my situation before I jumped into my own pool of decisions without foreseeing the consequences. I learned my mistakes from the last break up with her - I screwed up, pushed her away and made it a perfect reason for her to be with him instead. I'm just glad that she's come back now and I don't want to screw things up again.

Even if any of that is true, it's easier to deal with up front rejection than passive drug-out rejection that leaves you wondering what you did wrong in the relationship to cause it to end.

"Look, you're a great guy but I'm just missing a sense of connection that I need in a relationship. It isn't working for me and I would like to move on. Please under that this isn't a judgement of your worth as a mate to others, just that I do not feel that we are a good match any longer."

If more people would break up in this manner amicably we'd have a much nicer world. Instead you get people who drag shit out, find ways to blame the other person for their own failures, find ways to express onself as the martyr for trying to hold on and make things work when they're not... Blah blah. It's a fundamental failure to make important life decisions at the time they need to be made. Either you're committed, or you're not. If you're not then you need to be respectful of the other person's time and energy and let them go with their self esteem intact.

[kene]

Even if any of that is true, it's easier to deal with up front rejection than passive drug-out rejection that leaves you wondering what you did wrong in the relationship to cause it to end.

"Look, you're a great guy but I'm just missing a sense of connection that I need in a relationship. It isn't working for me and I would like to move on. Please under that this isn't a judgement of your worth as a mate to others, just that I do not feel that we are a good match any longer."

If more people would break up in this manner amicably we'd have a much nicer world. Instead you get people who drag shit out, find ways to blame the other person for their own failures, find ways to express onself as the martyr for trying to hold on and make things work when they're not... Blah blah. It's a fundamental failure to make important life decisions at the time they need to be made. Either you're committed, or you're not. If you're not then you need to be respectful of the other person's time and energy and let them go with their self esteem intact.

This post is money right here. It's so simple really, yet next to nobody is capable of doing it.