Feeling Sad, Lonely, Angry Need to Vent

[survivor08]

OK, it goes without saying that it has everything to do with me, not her, but I can't help to feel what I feel.

Here is the skinny...
For the better part of 2-3 months I've had NO contact with my ex whatsoever...BUT
Day before New Years I get a text message from the ex whishing health, happiness, in 09. I was at the gym, adrenaline pumping thru my veins thus I replied with a thank you. that happiness could have been achieved with her in my life and her giving me a family. text replied. (mistake on my part no. 1) REPLYING.

Then New Years day, I am driving thru a coastal city where we made our vowes to each other...and I proceed to send the ex a reminder text on how we failed on our promises, how we have made the mistake more than once, and I hated it.

She replies with a "sorry...you should be sorry too...I really wanted to be committed, you made it very tuff for me to stay (still playing victim here...) wish we could have lived happily ever after..."

I told her that a relationship is work, not just about being happy....she responds with "just enjoy your new year....YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CLOSE TO MY HEART." crap. (mistake no. 2 texting back and forth getting sucked into her power play.)

Now, I know she is probably missing me and thinking about me just the same...but it does not help that it is I that is being rejected....I think about this long and hard, ask a friend who knows us both well for advice...

and my head wins over my heart (like an idiot, I was going to try calling her, and wanting to reason for a future chance...) My head, was saying, write her, be cool and calm, and let her know to stop contacting you for good, no Happy Holiday wishes, no happy birth day wishes...nothing...that it was best this way, and I'd rather think of her a distant past than feel pain from her making her style attempt to contact me. I even made a stupid drama comment of how once she realizes how she also had a lot to do with this break up and apologized, and wanted to reconsider, than at that point I would listen...not any other way...(mistake no. 3) LOL.

Suprisingly, after I requested for her to stop texting... she responds with a message saying
"Ur crazy... Look, we need to keep in touch. I wanna hear ur doing well n that ur healthy.
The day u get sick again, I wanna be there n help u in what I can, just like I did when we were together (even though u don't think I was there for u) I know I was n I made a big difference in ur well being. Be nice, n be well...." strainght from the horses mouth....

By this time I am angry, sad, hurt, offended,

How dare her assume that I am going to get sick
What if I have a new woman in my life by that time?
What nerve she has in showing me pitty
How selfish of her to use my situation to make her feel good about herself at my expense
Her claiming that she made a big difference in my health improvement.

I responded not very maturely, basically told her to go live a lifestyle like she did before she met me (in a mean derogatory way...) mistake no. 4

And I even told her my therapist even question why I would want to stay friends with this woman, saying that while I was mean to her yes, his concern was that maybe this woman lacked sensitivity and empathy towards me.....

Her final response was that I was an ahole, that those were her last words I would hear from her.

The moral of the story is I should have ignored her from the first text message, realized that my feelings are temporary, and avoided the situation of telling to go "f$#k herself."

What do you guys and gals think? I still love this woman, and that goes to show how messed up I am still 7 8 months after my break up...I think about her too much still, I even have a date on Saturday, and I know I will be there thinking about this b@#th of a woman.... I need therapy.

[survivor08]

don't overload the website by posting so many comments at once...

[Lite]

You know, I love my ex wife. But that doesn't mean I want to have anything to do with her, or to have her in my life. I don't wish her ill will. I don't want her to go away mad. I just want her to go away.

Just count the ways in which your life is better now that the stress of the fighting and arguing is gone. Don't delude yourself into thinking things could have turned out better, because they didn't. You saw reality, not dreams of what could have been, and it didn't work.

Perhaps you should talk w/ your therapist about better ways to communicate your anger and frustration in the future so that you can better direct a discussion to enable understanding rather than an escalation of tit-for-tat

[Only-virgins]

I just want her to go away.

A few grand and I can make that happen for you.

[Lite]

A few grand and I can make that happen for you.

For less than that you can change your phone number and e-mail address.

[Only-virgins]

For less than that you can change your phone number and e-mail address.

yea...but where is the fun in that?

[Cbrider]

Theres no talking or communicating that works until the air clears.

My ex tries to talk to me now and then and i just ignore it b/c shes hasn't changed and doesn't have the will to ever do so. I'm not putting out any effort what so ever until I see a reason too.

I'm not a malicious person nor am I uncaring, its just at some point you need to realize that your feelings are equally important and that you need to not let them get stomped on all the time. Don't play her games, shut the door in her face when she pulls that shit. If she cares she will smarten up and come back around acting civil and mature.

[Lite]

yea...but where is the fun in that?

Well, if you want fun you just have a friend record your VM message to say that you've died, and that the funeral was held last Saturday. Then fill the mailbox up so that no-one else can leave messages.

[survivor08]

You know, I love my ex wife. But that doesn't mean I want to have anything to do with her, or to have her in my life. I don't wish her ill will. I don't want her to go away mad. I just want her to go away.

Just count the ways in which your life is better now that the stress of the fighting and arguing is gone. Don't delude yourself into thinking things could have turned out better, because they didn't. You saw reality, not dreams of what could have been, and it didn't work.

Perhaps you should talk w/ your therapist about better ways to communicate your anger and frustration in the future so that you can better direct a discussion to enable understanding rather than an escalation of tit-for-tat

You make good points here. The problem, when you are sick in the head like me, you start to rationalize how having her in my life was actually better and that if only i had done things a bit differently, she would have been more sensititive and kind......You overlook what an emotional woman she was, and instead hold on to the "I would have followed you to the end of the earth..." crap. Wishing is nice, but in actuality the work to stay together can be a test for everybody.

I haven't gone to my therapist for a while. I should go back....mostly it was monetary, but I know I am still a piece of work and need to go to him and express my feelings....good points....The easiest way to control my anger is to smoke a doobie and wait for the relaxing effects to take effect... .JK, I don't smoke any kind.

[survivor08]

Theres no talking or communicating that works until the air clears.

My ex tries to talk to me now and then and i just ignore it b/c shes hasn't changed and doesn't have the will to ever do so. I'm not putting out any effort what so ever until I see a reason too.

I'm not a malicious person nor am I uncaring, its just at some point you need to realize that your feelings are equally important and that you need to not let them get stomped on all the time. Don't play her games, shut the door in her face when she pulls that shit. If she cares she will smarten up and come back around acting civil and mature.

This is the case with my ex and I. We are each on a corner (I have owned up to my mistakes...) but when she tried calling...and I replied with an email blasting her to leave me alone the first time...I criticized her for thinking I was weak, and I was feeling good enough to let her know that I no longer was scared about my health, that I was moving forward, dating, working out, doing things I love. That kind of stuff....

Her response was "you still haven't changed...." basically assuming that I had everything to do for pushing her away....A friend who has spent a lot of time with therapy says this is typical "victim" mentality on her part...that she will sometime learn the hard way on her own....
I think I agree...

Still my love is strong for her. God knows why ( I am becoming more spiritual and religious as I get older...A diagnosis of a deadly desease can do that to you) Sometimes I think that time will ease the pain, and I will know if I would want her back, IF she was willing of course, which is I don't think so up to this point....therefore I am working on becoming a better more productive person and trying to be and stay happy, in spite of my challenges....

Don't get me wrong, I am not a deppressed bag of issues. I am active, surf, rock climb, take my camping trips, go to the gym, I am looking fit, I just need to regain my career path, make more money, and stay healthy and being happy. I just wanted a family most in my life at this stage.

[Lite]

I haven't gone to my therapist for a while. I should go back....mostly it was monetary, but I know I am still a piece of work and need to go to him and express my feelings....good points....The easiest way to control my anger is to smoke a doobie and wait for the relaxing effects to take effect... .JK, I don't smoke any kind.

When you know you need therapy to make progress towards having a better life for yourself, why wouldn't you make it a priority. You'd take out a loan to have surgery on your hand, why wouldn't you do it for therapy as surgery for your thinking?

Either you're committed to healing, or you're not. You can find other options such as group therapy that may be free or cheaper.

[kene]

I don't understand why people get into these stupid text message sessions.

I can understand the original text because it was a simple "wishing you well" type thing. But then to have some sort of conversation via text... that's what phones and face to face meetings are for.

Anyhow, yes, sometimes chicks can get stuck in your head and they stay there longer than they should. Time does heal it, although it might take longer for some than others.

[survivor08]

I am feeling bad for having deliberately insulted her, and now I would like to apologize for it. Should I, or should I just let it go....

[Lite]

I am feeling bad for having deliberately insulted her, and now I would like to apologize for it. Should I, or should I just let it go....

Give it time, and if the opportunity arises apologize for your poor behavior. No justifications, excuses, or mitigations. Just simply apologize for your side of the problem and be done with it. Even if they don't accept it, or freak out, or whatever. Understand that you've said your peace and that you're done.

[Gigabitch]

You should go No Contact until you can deal with her without reacting in such an emotional way. Remember, she's your EX. That means you're over.