The girl I love is with another man

[nj1035]

I'm sorry in advance for this being so long, but if you have the time and patience to read it and comment I appreciate it more than you probably know.

I fell in love with an 18 year old girl when I was 22. I loved her dearly, but as the relationship wore on she became more and more attached to me and it caused problems. I didn't have any space...we stayed together pretty much 24/7, and whenever I wanted just a night to myself it turned into a fight. Eventually she broke up with me after a year and a half because she felt I did not love her enough.

We stayed very close friends, almost like we were still together. We'd sleep together occasionally and spend lots of time with each other for about a year. During this time I tried to get her back, but to no avail. I know she still loved me, but could not get over what had happened when we were together. I had broken her heart.

A year after we broke up, she moved to Kansas to be with an old boyfriend of hers from when she was 15. They had stopped talking but whenever we broke up they sort of reconnected and spent hours a day talking on the phone with each other. I tried my best to convince her not to go, but she seemed like she had to. Since then we have stayed in close touch, talking almost every day. I have been as supportive as I can of her relationship because she seemed happy (save for a couple times I sensed they had been in a fight, but we never really talked about it). Anyway, from the way she talked about him it seemed like he was the nicest guy in the world and was taking good care of her.

She has been up there for 7 months now, and finally came back home to visit her parents where I live this past weekend. We were both really excited to see each other, and I spent pretty much every second with her and her family. I love her family very much, and I can tell they love me too. We had a great time together as friends, even though I know we both felt something more was there. The last night after her family went to bed, she told me a story about her boyfriend. She has been thinking of moving back home (with him) so she can finish her degree here (she is 21 now). After telling him this, she went to the bathroom and heard a bunch of banging around in the living room. He had punched 2 holes in the wall and broken a picture over the coffee table, and when she came out he was sitting with his head in his hands, and punched her in the leg as hard as he could. Of course he apologized and said he did not know what came over him.

A couple days after this, she stayed at work late drinking with her friends at the restaurant where she waits tables. Apparently she left him multiple messages letting him know, but he ended up showing up and banging on all the doors yelling for them to let him in. It was really embarrassing for her.

After telling me this, she asked if she could put her head in my lap. We eventually ended up sleeping together. This was Sunday night, and she left the next day on Monday. After what had happened, she told me she loved me but she had to go back. She did not seem to want to talk about what happened. I know she loves her boyfriend very much too and is sort of stuck up there. She has an apartment with him and 2 dogs, and also is registered to attend the university up there.

Anyway, I'm sort of at a crossroads here. I feel like it's not fair to me, her, or her boyfriend for her and I to be so close. It's hard for me to see her and not want to be with her. I also know that she loves me, but is too afraid to do anything about it because she thinks I'll break her heart again. However, after hearing that story about her boyfriend I'm worried about her. I don't know if it's because I want her to leave him (because of the way I feel about her) or because I actually should be worried. Is this something that could be a one time deal? Everything else she has said about him makes me think he loves her very much.

I feel like we can't keep doing this though. She either needs to be with him, with me, or be alone. I don't feel like it's fair for me to keep trying to get her back.

Should I continue to be close friends with her? I don't feel like that's appropriate because of what happens when we see each other. However, it's incredibly hard for me to let her go as a friend...even just talking on the phone, she makes me feel great and is always there for me when I need her. I can't really describe how wonderful she has been to me and how much I love her.

I feel my best option is to tell her exactly how I feel and hope it convinces her to come back. If she wants to stay, I feel like I should let her go and not continue to be a problem for any of the 3 of us. The episode with the boyfriend still concerns me though. Any opinions on what I should do are GREATLY appreciated. I know what I think but I'm not sure I'm ready to let her go

[Cbrider]

Your best bet is to just let her go and stay away. You're not going to change her mind, she has no idea what the hell she wants and you're being pulled back and fourth because of it. Stop sleeping with her and stop talking to her, shes only dragging you down.

This is a lost cause at this point....there may be a chance down the road, but its going to be a LONG while before theres a chance if ever again.

[nj1035]

Thanks for the reply. I think you are right, it's just a hard thing to do. She has been my absolute best friend for the last 3 years and I know she's not doing this on purpose. She is good in the heart but maybe too confused in the head.

[Gigabitch]

Friends don't ****. I've said it a hundred times. She's not your friend.

Either she'll leave him or she won't. As it is, you're stuck in an ugly position, being the "other man" and you should get out of that position as soon as you can.

[nj1035]

Thanks for the reply giga, again I think you are right

[IndiReloaded]

As her friend, you need to tell her clearly about your concerns she is in an abusive relationship.

While I agree with the 'friends don't fcuk' thing, some things take priority. And the fact she is with a guy who can't control himself & has already struck her should take priority. She may need a support structure to get away from him.

But, I agree with everyone who says you need to distance yourself. I mean, imagine what this guy will do when he finds out his GF has been cheating with you. Yep, you are both cheaters.

Seems like you care about this gal. I would tell her so, tell her your position and then remove yourself from the situation. Let her know you are there to help if she needs it, but make sure you don't end up as her Shining Knight, or e-tampon.

There's a current thread about SK syndrome. Read and learn.

Good luck.

[nj1035]

Thank you for your thoughts Indi, they are well noted. Do you think it's possible it was just a one-time thing with the boyfriend? I am definitely going to tell her how I feel and be done with it completely, but I want to make sure she is in good hands. That is to say, is it common for all men to have some sort of episode like this and have it never happen again? I for one have never done anything close to the sort, but I've been angry enough to where I felt compelled to. Thankfully for me I'm not crazy.

[Gigabitch]

Thank you for your thoughts Indi, they are well noted. Do you think it's possible it was just a one-time thing with the boyfriend?.... That is to say, is it common for all men to have some sort of episode like this and have it never happen again?

No. This is generally considered red-flag behavior. I've been in the relationship world for 24 years and married twice and no one has ever come close to raising a hand to me, and it's not because I'm not a pain in the ass, believe me.

If he were a three-year-old, it would be something you could assume would just go away with the proper approach, but he's a grown man and he hits women.

[carl1222]

You don't need this level of drama, NJ. There are 3 billion women in this world ... why waste your caring and attention on one 1,500 miles away who has no control over her emotions or commitments when there are thousands of women in NJ who would give you far less grief?

Carl.

[nj1035]

I understand your point Carl, but it's easier said than done. There are many women here for sure. However, there are lots that I'm not attracted to, and I'm sure lots that are not attracted to me. Even when I find one that I like, it's still hard to find that great chemistry.

I'm 25 years old and have been out with plenty of women, but still have yet to find one that makes me happier to be around than this one. Hopefully I'll find one eventually though.

[doppelgaenger]

I understand your point Carl, but it's easier said than done. There are many women here for sure. However, there are lots that I'm not attracted to, and I'm sure lots that are not attracted to me. Even when I find one that I like, it's still hard to find that great chemistry.

That's no reason to put yourself in this kind of situation.

Just get out there, keep dating. 25 is still very young. You have plenty of time to find someone good for you. Don't settle for anything less.

[lightwhite]

first things first if you really are one of her closest friends u should NOT allow her to b with a shit bag who hit her even if its only once, by forgiving him for that u dont know what else he could do to her in a future if he goes crazy specially over such a stupid thing like considering moving back home with HIM

just drink alot smoke alot. maybe learn to play guitar, it always helps to play when your feeling down

[fabioblog]

hey man, whenever I feel like I have been thinking about one girl too much, if there is such a thing, then I am probably doing something wrong. If you are not ready to get settled down and marry, there are so many wonderful girls out there. Why not look around and maybe there are other girls sending you messages that you have not picked up because you are so focused on her.

[nj1035]

Hey thanks again everyone for your input. I'm going to be talking to her today, and I'm going to spell it out for her nice and clear. I know what the outcome is going to be, but I feel it's necessary for me anyway. Again I appreciate the comments and support. I'll let you know what happens.

[nj1035]

So I talked to her yesterday, everything went as I had thought. She was very upset, but understood. I told her it was just something I had to do. She asked that I at least let her know how I'm doing every once in a while because she's going to be worried about me. I'm not so sure I'm going to do that though.

Anyway, thanks again for helping everyone. This is really the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it's going to suck for a really long time. I'm confident it's the right choice though.