How to get her back

[Kahrensberg]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. i am 20 years old and i just recently broke up with my girlfriend on saterday night of 2.5 years. she told me that she hasnt been feeling the "spark" in the relationship for a long time and that i was very clingy and controlling(Which i was and i am hating myself for). i am having such a hard time getting over her and it seems like she is doing much better than myself. today (Monday) i met her for lunch(i asked her to meet me) and i told her how sorry i was and i really want another chance to change and get that "Spark" back like we had before i was really clingy and controlling. she told me today that she still loves me and she would think about it but she needs at lease a few weeks of time. can someone please give me some insight on what this may mean in a girls eyes. i really really love her and i hope that we can get back together so i can prove to her that i can be that guy again that she meet 2.5 years back. and could someone please give me some suggestions on what i should do. thanks

[swargolet]

I know it is hard but you should let her go. This will help both of you. She has lost the spark and if you guys do go back out ya it might be back for a little bit but it will most likely slowly fade away and you will have problems again.
It was also help you because it takes major events like this to change someone. I'm guessing you were somewhat insecure about the relationship so that is why you were clingy, and you were kind of controlling because you were worried she would find someone else or do something that would cause the relationship to fall apart. Being controlling is also a sign that you dont trust them. So this whole event will teach you things in the end. If she takes you back the likelihood of actually learning from this event is extremely small.

You should give her, her space let her think things over. Maybe once every couple days just talk to her a little, not too much just let her know how you are feeling. Maybe a small 5-10 minute talk then let her think about it. She will make a decision. If she decides to move on you have to let go and move on also. If she says that she wants to try again then go for it and maybe you learned a little form your mistakes.

I know it will be hard if she says that she wants to move on, but that is also what we are here for. Many of us have gone through break-ups and we can help you along if it does happen.
I wish you the best of luck.

[Lite]

A few weeks time? She's out banging a few other guys to see if you're worth her time in bed...Maybe. Basically you should accept that she'll probably sleep with at least one guy here shortly if she hasn't already.

However, if you don't give her the space she'll run anyway. So pretty much damned if you do, damned if you don't. Take some time, address things in yourself that are causing you to be a freakish controlling asshole, then see how it all turns out.

Maybe you'll find someone much better, and appreciate her far more now that you've lost something you valued.

[Journey]

I know this may be hard for you. Just give her all the time she wants. Its in the giving where its at. She said a few weeks. If it extends beyond 3 weeks... again, give her all the time in the world to get back to you. Its her call.
In the meantime, its also your call. By that I mean.. do some thinking - about your life and whats important to you. Spend some time with your family, do your own thing, and focus on the beauty in other things and in the people around you.

[Cbrider]

However, if you don't give her the space she'll run anyway. So pretty much damned if you do, damned if you don't. Take some time, address things in yourself that are causing you to be a freakish controlling asshole, then see how it all turns out.

Lite is absolutely right, you need more than a few weeks to figure this out I think. If you were together that long and couldn't figure this out then a problem wont go away in 2 weeks.

I think your best bet is to just go your separate ways, its hard as hell but best in the end. If she wants to work things out she will come back to you, at which point the ball is in your court.

[and_for_what]

If you check out my "Winning her back" thread ([url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26734-winning-her-back.html[/url]) there might be some useful replies for you.

Our situations are quite different because my girlfriend left me for another man, which rather complicates matters.
Also I wasn't clingy and controling, but the complete opposite, since I trusted her and us so much, but in the end that was my undoing.

At first I couldn't bear not to see her and speak to her - after being the main thing in my life 2+ years it's hard to manage without it. I yielded to that temptation, and for the first two weeks or so I met up with her a few times. Then the urge to see her finally became controllable, and now I am actively not seeing her or communicating at all. If I want her back one day, and she wants me back, then great. If I don't want her back (like right now), and she doesn't want me back, then great. But if there's ever a mis-match of our desires then it will be a problem. I currently think that not seeing her at all is the right approach to help my recovery.
I don't regret seeing her at first - without behaving as I did in those crucial first couple weeks I don't think I'd be how I am now, emotionally.

Do you suspect that she is seeing someone else? Would she do that?
I guess you never know really - I thought my girlfriend was the last person in the world who would do that kind of thing.

That shit about losing the "spark" is sad, because imo it makes no sense but girls are stupid and don't tend to think rationally (where "rationally" = "like men"). Would you say she has unrealistic expectations about "love" and your relationship, about any relationship?
Were you her first boyfriend?


It's early days for you yet, and I'm afraid you'll just have to grin and bear it. Do what you think you need to do to get over the pain, then you can start thinking clearly again. She is obviously doing better than you because she initiated the breakup. It's always like that. Whoever is in control feels just fine because they know they have all options open to them. I was a total wreck when my girlfriend told me what happened and how she didn't want to see me any more, and she was just fine as though it was any other day. That continued when I saw her, until I took control and explained what I had come to feel towards her, and how I know I could never trust her or love her again, etc. That I will be closing contact permanently. Then SHE started crying and being the gay, while I remained calm.

For now - do what you need to do to address the immediate problem, which is, if you're anything like me, the pain/anguish/stress and all that. When it starts to subside, and it will, there will still be sadness but you can act normally again, and then take control of the situation. If you can recover mostly in two weeks, say, then leave her alone for a week, then after that three week period she mentioned have her meet with you and deliver your thoughts on the matter, and ask her to tell you clearly what she wants to do now. If she wants to continue not seeing you then grant her wish and cut all contact. By that time it won't be such a difficult thing to do.

Try typing out your thoughts to yourself and letters to her (which you won't ever show her) and stuff like that. I have about ten epic word documents written over the past few weeks that chronicle my changing feelings towards her. It will do you good to write stuff down.
And then if you do get back together some time, you'll have thought about all the things you need to change in the relationship as well.

good luck