me vs. hand

[annoyed23]

I am having a really hard time with my man pleasing himself, and not feeling like I am good enough for him that he needs to masturbate. I feel like him masturbating is his way of telling me that he is not satisfied with what we are doing, whether it be positions, or frequency or whatever. He says him doing that has nothing to do with me, or our sex life, or the intimacy of our sex life...but somehow I still feel hurt by this. help me...i dont want to ruin my relationship because of not understanding this. he has tried to explain, but I just cant get past it.

[DoesntMatter]

I think almost every guy in a relationship masturbates. It's been the habit / routine of every guy since the age of 12 - 14

[carl1222]

Guys masturbate because it feels good. Period. You are fighting a ghost here. Your man may be totally in love you thoroughly enjoy every aspect of your lovemaking, and find you abolutely exciting physically. But if the urge strikes and an opportunity arises, he may go "toss one off" just for the hell of it.

You're jealous of a hand!

I know, you're thinking that if he were completely satisfied with you, he would have no need for self-gratification. That's wrong.

And you are thinking that he must be fantasizing about other women he would like to have sex with if the opportunity arose. That's also wrong.

It's a fantasy!

He's given you his love, his faithfulness and sexual pleasure. My question to you is why do you find it so necessary to control every aspect of his life ... even down to controlling his mind and his fantasies?

Last I heard, masturbation is harmless unless it interferes with his desire for you.

By the way, girls have been known to occasionally () toss one off even though they have a very satisfying sex life.

You could probably get him to stop (or hide it) just to please you, but why should he? If this could "ruin your relationship" then he is in the wrong relationship.

Carl.

[annoyed23]

Wow...thats a great question. I dont want to control him, I want to be reasurred that he is satisfied and happy with me. Its not jealousy, its concern that I am not meeting his every need sexually, and that would bother me if he isnt open enough to tell me that. Fantisies are fine, I dont mind it...but my question is, why would a man jerk off if he knows hes going to get sex within the next few hours? we have sex every day...i can understand if he did it in the morning, but yesterday he did it 2 hours before i got home. It made me feel like i wasnt worth waiting for. another question i have is: if a man jerks off, and has sex later that same night, is the sex any less pleasurable? for me, if i get myself off and then have sex, the sex is horrible! I want him to hunger for me like i do for him...is that so wrong?

[carl1222]

Wow...thats a great question. I dont want to control him, I want to be reasurred that he is satisfied and happy with me. Its not jealousy, its concern that I am not meeting his every need sexually, and that would bother me if he isnt open enough to tell me that. Fantisies are fine, I dont mind it...but my question is, why would a man jerk off if he knows hes going to get sex within the next few hours? we have sex every day...i can understand if he did it in the morning, but yesterday he did it 2 hours before i got home. It made me feel like i wasnt worth waiting for. another question i have is: if a man jerks off, and has sex later that same night, is the sex any less pleasurable? for me, if i get myself off and then have sex, the sex is horrible! I want him to hunger for me like i do for him...is that so wrong?

If he was usuing masturbation to cover up an unsatisfying sex life with you, he wouldn't be so willing to let you know when he is masturbating ... he would be ashamed to. I think he's being perfectly open with you, you're just not listening..

Generally, the sex is just as good for a guy each time. It may actually be better for both of you! The only difference between a guy's first orgasm and his second (in a brief time) is that he will last longer. This is purely a physical reaction, the excitement is the same. I think this is your big misunderstanding here. In fact, some men who are prone to premature ejaculation jack off a few hours before sex to improve their performance and enjoyment of sex.

There's nothing wrong with hoping a man has the same hunger for sex as you ... why are you assuming he doesn't?

[annoyed23]

im assuming he doesnt because he doesnt show me that he wants it as bad as i do. yesterday i wanted to rip his clothes off, but when i got home i found out he was already taken care of, so i felt like i wasnt needed...i was upset that he didnt wait for me.

[carl1222]

im assuming he doesnt because he doesnt show me that he wants it as bad as i do. yesterday i wanted to rip his clothes off, but when i got home i found out he was already taken care of, so i felt like i wasnt needed...i was upset that he didnt wait for me.

Yes, I can see why that would be annoying. Remember, in my first reply I said "masturbation is harmless unless it interferes with his desire for you." This is one of those cases.

I assume he's in his early-mid 20s too ... I'm a bit surprised that he wasn't interested in sex so long after having masturbated. The average "first recharge" time at his age should be about a half hour, tops.

Carl.

[annoyed23]

its not that he wasnt interested...i was too upset...I was unhappy that he didnt wait. He would have been more than happy to have sex, but I felt like the second choice. I dont want to feel compared (cuz i know im not), i dont want to feel inadequate (cuz i know im not)...and i dont wanna make him close up and shut off from me because I get upset about it. can you tell me 100% that him jerking off has nothing to do with me? and that its purely a fantasy? I know I am insecure about this particular subject...I just need to figure out why I am taking it so personally.

[carl1222]

its not that he wasnt interested...i was too upset...I was unhappy that he didnt wait. He would have been more than happy to have sex, but I felt like the second choice. I dont want to feel compared (cuz i know im not), i dont want to feel inadequate (cuz i know im not)...and i dont wanna make him close up and shut off from me because I get upset about it. can you tell me 100% that him jerking off has nothing to do with me? and that its purely a fantasy? I know I am insecure about this particular subject...I just need to figure out why I am taking it so personally.

Yes, I can say for 100% sure that him jerking off has nothing to do with what he feels for you. Unless there are OTHER problems with your sex life (apparently not) then his desire to masturbate is not even a yellow flag much less a red one.

And you are right ... getting upset about it is likely to make him close up about it. He seems like a very honest and up front guy, so that would needlessly bother him.

You're taking it so personally because of your insecurities. Second choice to HIS HAND????

Carl.

[annoyed23]

there is something that I am missing. what is the difference between your hand and a vagina? I guess I need to try to understand the difference in sensation, or the reasons why a guy would jerk off. other than pure horny-ness. it bothers me that he wouldnt wait....what would make him not want to wait?

I guess im mad that he gets to have more pleasure than I do because i work and he doesnt...I dont think its fair that he gets to get off as much as he does, and I dont get 2 minutes to myself ever!

He rarely ever says no...but when he does, it sux. the other part i didnt tell you, what that he said no to me the night before...so i felt even worse, cuz of course, i was extra horny, and he wasnt.

[carl1222]

there is something that I am missing. what is the difference between your hand and a vagina? I guess I need to try to understand the difference in sensation, or the reasons why a guy would jerk off. other than pure horny-ness. it bothers me that he wouldnt wait....what would make him not want to wait?

I guess im mad that he gets to have more pleasure than I do because i work and he doesnt...I dont think its fair that he gets to get off as much as he does, and I dont get 2 minutes to myself ever!

He rarely ever says no...but when he does, it sux. the other part i didnt tell you, what that he said no to me the night before...so i felt even worse, cuz of course, i was extra horny, and he wasnt.

But it IS pure horniness. Not to be too graphic, but anything that stimulates the shaft of the penis in a stroking motion will ultimately lead to orgasm if he is in the proper frame of mind. So all the usual male sexual activities that lead to that sort of stimulation ... vaginal, oral, anal, masturbation ... ultimately have the same effect. What's different about masturbation is that it requires a fantasy to replace the other exciting physical intimacies that occur while having sex.

As for it not being fair ... that's a separate issue. It's like you are saying "I don't have a lot of time to enjoy sexual pleasure so he should be depriving himself to bring it into balance."

As for the night before ... masturbation wasn't the cause of his disinterest, right? I think you are still assuming that a man's sexual excitement is like a checking account ... that the more orgasms he has, the less sexual excitement is left for you. That's a wrong assumption. Except for the very brief period of sexual disinterest he feels while his testicles replenish his sperm count after an orgasm, there really is no limit on his sexual pleasure or excitement.

It's the ultimate in a renewable energy source.

Carl.

[annoyed23]

Carl, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk me through this. its reasuring to know that it isnt about me, and i need to stop making it about me. i just want him to be excited to be with me like i am with him.

my other thought is, if guys see this as an intimate thing or if its purely physical? how can i tell?

[carl1222]

Carl, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk me through this. its reasuring to know that it isnt about me, and i need to stop making it about me. i just want him to be excited to be with me like i am with him.

my other thought is, if guys see this as an intimate thing or if its purely physical? how can i tell?

If it lasts. It's true that men are wired more to the physical than women (that's why women get all the attention ), but no man stays with a woman for long just to have a sure thing in bed.

It's my belief and experience that for a man, sexual intimacy with someone they care about is every bit as emotionally connected as it is for a woman.

Carl.

[misombra]

annoyed, do you masturbate?

[annoyed23]

I used to...before i was with him. i think i have maybe 3 times in the past 3 years. I dont need to...he does more for me than i could for myself...