Desprete for some advice

[Lowfront]

So I have with an amazing girl for about a year now. We were great friends for a year before we sort of just came together. Our whole relationship she has had a hard time getting over her last boy friend who she was with for 7 years. She gave this kid all the love she had and he ended treating her like shit. And in the end throwing her out the door.

Of they had their good times but this kid had some real problems. He was narcissistic and it has effected her greatly.

Now its been over 2 years since they have really been together. He called the other night really upset needing somewhere to go.

Now its wierd because this kid has been on my mind a thousand times a day because of the fact that she can't get over him. And here I am, now in the position to have him sleep on our couch for a night.

I agree to it, thinking that she could finally have a good talk with him and get some closer and let it go. He wants nothing to do with her besides being a friend. There are so many things to say but I keep it as simple as possible.

So now here I am, Loving this girl more than anything before and things are good for a while then they are bad. She sort of goes in waves. She'll feel good about not being with him because he's crazy. Then next week she'll get depressed and get all these what ifs going in her head.

Him coming over sort of backfired because now she's going crazy about him again. Even though he clearly said to her that they have nothing and to get over it and be with me.

It was interesting to meet the kid in my nightmares. We had a great talk and became friends. And they did too, she got a lot of answers questions she always wanted to ask.

So now I'm wondering what the hell I should do. She is clearly not as serious about me as I am with her. I have been getting through everything time after time again by just thinking.....time heals all wounds and just be there for her. And then someday it will just happen and she'll realize I'm the one.

I just don't know what to do. We are living together in this apartment till the end of the semester. And after that I have no security in the relationship. I have no idea what she's going to do.

I'm going on and on now.

Thanks for reading guys.

[Indignant]

i honestly think that you deserve someone better.

[carl1222]

I don't mean this at all as an insult, but in a way, you and your girlfriend are a lot alike.

Both of you are emotionally invested in someone whose heart is unavailable.

I feel bad for her but enough is enough. She has been pining for this guy for two years, and making you miserable in the process. You have to face the fact that she may never be emotionally unattached to this guy.

You, on the other hand, could probably get on with your life in a few months and find someone who is able to really be with you.

I think you are already pumping from a dry well, but if you want to give it a little time, give it until the end of the semester. If things have not radically improved by then, dump her! In the meantime, tell her you don't want to hear another word about her ex or how she feels for him.

I can't imagine what kind of girlfriend would whine to you for a whole year about still having feelings for an ex who dumped her two years ago. That is blatantly disrespectful. Is there no filter between her heart and her mouth?

You say that you and her ex made a friendly connection while he was there. Too bad you didn't ask him for his side of the story on why he broke up with her. Did he seem crazy or narcissistic to you?

Carl.

ps ... you keep referring to him as a "kid" ... are you all about the same age?

[Lowfront]

I don't know why I said kid, i guess to replace his name. He's actually like 6 years older than me.

Your right that I'm pumped dry. Its just so hard when you think everything is perfect finally...you know finally things are looking up. Then you just get a big smack in the face with something she says that kills me.

Its literally making me crazy some nights.

The kid she was with is an asshole. He came off as fine, but I know how he is. I did hear his side of the story and its the same really. Things just weren't working out, he was with someone else, so he had to kick her out.

She tells me everything because she feels that honesty is the only way to go. As much as I have to agree it just kills me. If this all came to a suprise I wouldn't be with her right now. But because she has told me from day one about all this, I have tried to deal with it.

Now she's in her room crying cause I'm not in the mood to deal with it. She just feels numb and confused.

And here I am sitting around wondering wtf her problem is. We could have it all together. Meanwhile she's in her room crying about a lost cause relationship.

It just sucks...

[Lite]

Time to shit or get off the pot. Either she loves you, and is in a relationship with you, or she isn't. You cannot have a committed relationship with someone who constantly has one foot out the door.

[Lowfront]

ya I know. I figure I'll just hang in there till the end of the semester and see what happens.

We are living together there is no choice really. As of right now she isn't in a relationship with me. This is what she told me today at least. Even though we will continue to do everything together.

Its just her way of "feeling" like she isn't in one. So she can get her act together.

I guess I'll just go on with my life for a few more months. Hope I make it out of here with a decent gpa.

I'm very just numb to everything now.

I think I'm just gonna give her a lot of space for now, sleep on the couch time.

Just hurts so much.

Now I'm going to go for a ride. I don't know where prob just down the street and back

but i need to get some air

Thanks everyone for responding.

[carl1222]

Time to shit or get off the pot. Either she loves you, and is in a relationship with you, or she isn't. You cannot have a committed relationship with someone who constantly has one foot out the door.

Lite is right, even if the door does lead off a cliff.

Neither of you can control how she FEELS, but she certainly can control what she DOES. I'm actually very surprised that you've tolerated this for a year. I would have given her a month, maximum and then only if her breakup was more recent ... like up to 6 months earlier.

And there are limits to "honesty." You don't say "I think you are fat" even if that's what you believe. Same with "You're ugly." But her pouring out her heart to you is like her constantly telling you "You'll always be second best in my heart" It's pretty much the same thing. She's treating you like a best friend, not a romantic partner.

I don't know what she's confused about ... her situation is perfectly clear. Forget that you knew her problem from the start ... you hoped things would change. There are things you can reasonably expect and demand from a long term committed relationship.

In a way, you are helping her keep these illusions about her ex. She is able to self-indulge in her pain over him because that is the only pain she feels right now. By being there for her no matter what, you are depriving her of her real need to face and experience the pain of losing you as well. It will force her to realize that her choices are truly limited ... either give up these illusions, or spend her life alone. When she realizes that these are her ONLY choices, then she can truly choose.

Carl.

[carl1222]

ya I know. I figure I'll just hang in there till the end of the semester and see what happens.

We are living together there is no choice really. As of right now she isn't in a relationship with me. This is what she told me today at least. Even though we will continue to do everything together.

Its just her way of "feeling" like she isn't in one. So she can get her act together.

I guess I'll just go on with my life for a few more months. Hope I make it out of here with a decent gpa.

I'm very just numb to everything now.

I think I'm just gonna give her a lot of space for now, sleep on the couch time.

Just hurts so much.

Now I'm going to go for a ride. I don't know where prob just down the street and back

but i need to get some air

Thanks everyone for responding.

The part in bold (I posted before I saw that) is finally a good step in the right direction for her. I would help her by cutting all activities (stop "doing everything together") with her beyond being just roommates ... not as punishment, but so she can see the inevitable consequences while she tries to get her head together. She NEEDS to feel VERY alone right now to get the full impact and proper perspective on what she's giving up. It also lets her know that it's not only HER choice.

Carl.

[Lowfront]

I went for a drive, and ended up getting friendlys ice cream for us. I went into the room and she gave me a big hug and started crying that she can't lose me and that she's sorry.

So its like, back again all over......


and I want to just leave her alone. Try to get out of here but we have plans with my family tomorrow with her. And right now I was planning on just sleeping on the couch. But then she gives me a nice moment. And now of course I have to go be with her.


AHHHHH!!!

[carl1222]

I went for a drive, and ended up getting friendlys ice cream for us. I went into the room and she gave me a big hug and started crying that she can't lose me and that she's sorry.

So its like, back again all over......


and I want to just leave her alone. Try to get out of here but we have plans with my family tomorrow with her. And right now I was planning on just sleeping on the couch. But then she gives me a nice moment. And now of course I have to go be with her.


AHHHHH!!!

See what I mean about the benefit of making her think about losing you? She saw you gone, and the process magically started! Tonight, you are #1 for the first time!

That's got to be a lot better than just holding her hand and commiserating about her lost love!

You are reaping the first of many good things that come from unselfishly demanding a normal relationship at long last.

Carl.

[Lowfront]

well I'm back on the couch


: (


I just got my pillows and stuff to leave to go on the couch and she didn't say anything. So f**k her.

[Gigabitch]

Now she's in her room crying cause I'm not in the mood to deal with it. She just feels numb and confused.

...and I want to just leave her alone. Try to get out of here but we have plans with my family tomorrow with her. And right now I was planning on just sleeping on the couch.

You're doing this the hard way, fool.

Make up your ****ing mind. Either you want her or you don't. If you want her, act like it, and for starters, you tell her that her ex, the shit head, can NOT stay on your couch. In fact, NOBODY sleeps on the couch, including you. Quit numbing out and go claim your woman. This could be a golden opportunity if you only knew how to do anything but stand there with your arms folded, angry.

She's not the only one with a foot out the door as I see it.

If you don't want her, break up with her and quit letting her cry all by herself. She's in there in pieces. Don't you care about that, at all? I'm not saying you have to be her Mr. Maxi Pad, just go in there and try to help her realize that you are the living, breathing man that puts his arms around her while "the kid" is just some chode that broke her heart. Remind her that he doesn't get to buy it and take it home just because he broke it.

I understand how messed up people get over a broken heart. It really does feel as if someone has put his mark on you and it will never fade. In some ways, that's true. He HAS put his mark on her, and the best cure for that is NO CONTACT. She's making a mistake, trying to be "friends" with this guy.

What I see here is a girl that doesn't have a clue with a new boyfriend that doesn't really give a rat's ass.

Please tell me I'm wrong. I would love to be wrong.

[Lowfront]

I ended up in the bed with her of course. I guess I just try to show her what it would be like if I wasn't there. but its lame.

Part of the reason she has had a hard time getting over him is because it ended so badly. She feels like she wasted 7 years of her life with this guy. And at least if she had a friend. She would have something to show for it.

I have always been there for her to cry on with all this. And I do understand its hard. Having him come was suppose to be so she could get stuff off her chest, leave things good, and move on.

We'll see what happens as time will tell. I know she still has fantasies that him and her will someday work out. But she knows thats impossible at the same time. In fact she found out he's gay.

Which makes things even harder for her. She didn't' lose him to another girl, but a guy.

She has a lot to work out, and she's even thinking of going to therapy to deal with everything that has gone on in her life.

Hopefully that will help. But she knows that I'm here for her.

[carl1222]

You're doing this the hard way, fool.

Make up your ****ing mind. Either you want her or you don't. If you want her, act like it, and for starters, you tell her that her ex, the shit head, can NOT stay on your couch. In fact, NOBODY sleeps on the couch, including you. Quit numbing out and go claim your woman. This could be a golden opportunity if you only knew how to do anything but stand there with your arms folded, angry.

She's not the only one with a foot out the door as I see it.

If you don't want her, break up with her and quit letting her cry all by herself. She's in there in pieces. Don't you care about that, at all? I'm not saying you have to be her Mr. Maxi Pad, just go in there and try to help her realize that you are the living, breathing man that puts his arms around her while "the kid" is just some chode that broke her heart. Remind her that he doesn't get to buy it and take it home just because he broke it.I understand how messed up people get over a broken heart. It really does feel as if someone has put his mark on you and it will never fade. In some ways, that's true. He HAS put his mark on her, and the best cure for that is NO CONTACT. She's making a mistake, trying to be "friends" with this guy.

What I see here is a girl that doesn't have a clue with a new boyfriend that doesn't really give a rat's ass.

Please tell me I'm wrong. I would love to be wrong.

You're wrong, Giga

But I totally agree with Giga that it's time for serious action, I just disagree with the parts in bold.

First of all, you are hardly a new boyfriend, and it's certainly not true that you don't give a rat's ass about her! I almost get the feeling Giga must have misread parts of your post. As I see it, you HAVE been her emotional Maxi Pad over this kid for a whole year ... probably about a half year too long. This thing didn't start with the kid's sleepover this week, it's been your way of life since you have been together. You've certainly paid your "nice guy" dues!

I didn't know they had remained close friends over all this time, that's a shocker.

You want to be with this girl as her boyfriend, not her therapist or her father confessor ... yet this is what you have become ...for a whole year. The time to fold your arms and get angry is precisely now, enough is enough. I can't even imagine how you must feel having your girlfriend cry on your shoulder for so long about a worthless guy who she's still in love with.

Forgive me, but I just can't muster any of the sympathy you and Giga feel for her crying alone over her LONG lost love in your bed while you are miserable on the couch. If she were really interested in getting over it and having a real boyfriend, she would have broken contact with him and perhaps sought therapy back in 2007!!!!

I think it's high time you start thinking about yourself and not her. You deserve it. Sure, there's a chance that if you assert yourself, you may find that she won't or can't be your girlfriend ... but she's not your girlfriend right now. Besides it might work.

She broke up with you yesterday over this guy ... a guy who dumped her 2 years ago and is now in a gay relationship.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but you should go your separate ways unless she immediately:

1) stops ALL contact with him; and
2) goes into therapy.

And while you should be there for her in all the normal ways a boyfriend should, but you should NOT be there for her if she isn't willing to take action to move on with you ... crying isn't action, it just, well, crying!

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Before you can enter into a new relationship you have to end and come to terms with the last one.... somewhere along the line your girlfriend forgot that. Somewhere along the line, you failed to remind her.

You both are reaping what you sow...

her heart can never heal so long as she tears at the wound through all her pining - thus never having the capacity to really love you...

your heart can never accept what is not being offered - her love - you don't have it, but you keep tearing at your heart searching for the love you've never received from her... essentially pining for her...

The process has to be this:

She breaks up with him > has closure > starts a new relationship > both give and take love while in this relationship

This is what you have:

She breaks up > no closure > starts a new relationship > she gives her love to him while takes your love, but doesn't give back to you


In a healthy relationship... what you give out is replaced by what she gives to you.. and thus a balance is formed.

In the relationship that you have.. what you give out is not replaced because she gives you nothing... and thus there is no balance and eventually you will run out of resources.


Bottom line... your relationship is unhealthy and not beneficial to you. This is self-sacrifice... not love. It is suicide of the heart... and nobody wins.