Control and trust issues

[misombra]

i believe it enough that i think it would be really sad if you keep on with this.

sad for yourself of course, but then also the lives of your family and anybody who loves you. watching a loved one become weak and helpless and make terrible choices is torture.

god forbid you have children with this person.

[IndiReloaded]

if you don't break free from this person, he will start beating you up.

unfortunately i have seen a lot of people in your case stay until somebody is either dead, beat up so bad they may as well be dead, or someone is in jail and has no physical contact with the other.

the road you're on is very grim.

Keep in mind, Bergamot, that even if he doesnt become overtly violent, there are other ways to end up 'dead'. Emotionally, psychologically.

This guy is a dream-killer. He will suck you dry for his own reasons and give very little in return. You already know this, based on your posts. What you are looking for is the strength to actually pick up & move on.

Women often steel themselves to leave emotionally well before they leave physically. I think you've already left this guy, emotionally. You know he's not healthy for you. All that remains is for you to work up the courage to leave physically.

Keep posting & let us know how it goes. Be strong, you CAN escape this guy. You need to.

[Bergamot]

Thanks for your replies.

None of my family ever know anything about bad things that happen to me in relationships as they all live far far away and I barely see them, only speak to my mum on fone once a week is mostly it so they won't suffer to hear about me and my bf.

Things seemed good again last nite and tonite and I was even 'allowed' to go to aerobics with the girl I met on the Internet tho he asked me to go round to his afterwards when its supposed to be a 'nite off' but he was ill so didn't go college, I went round there as much to make sure there was no argument as much as anything else so that's not good I guess.

[Mish]

I am a 42 year old gal and have been in a relationship with a 36 year old guy for just over 5 months now. From the start it has been stormy.

You've been together for less than half a year and already there are so many problems? What are your reasons for staying with him exactly? He already tried to kick in your door once, doesn't it scare you that at some point that could be your face? He sounds arrogant, abusive, manipulative and selfish. I believe calling him just controlling at this stage would probably be a compliment to him.

I don't understand what is there to save or hold on to here. I've broken up and was broken up with for much much lesser issues than these.

[Bergamot]

We have been sort of half split up for just over a week now. Things came to a head because I decided that I wasn't going to take any more crap. Then we were going to meet in town after he finished work and go to eat and then the cinema. It was raining and its always very difficult to park in town during the rush hour especially when it is raining. I live about 45 minutes walk from town so I thought I don't want to take the car, I can either walk home if its not too late or get a taxi. The cost of a taxi wouldn't be much more than the cost of parking anyhow. However I was concerned he might get annoyed if I didn't take the car as he usually expects me to drive everywhere (he doesn't have a car so doesn't drive). But I thought no I'll stand up to him.

Well I met him and he said where did I park the car and I said at home. He got really angry and started shouting at me in town saying he didn't want to walk me home in the rain but I said I can see myself home, he was saying I just done it to wind him up etc etc and doing his angry fast walking sulking thing. So in the end I said if you gonna be in a mood then go to the cinema on your own then I walked away. I then went off shopping and he went straight to his usual pub and bar woman and rang me from there. I'd had it by then and decided that I was going to make a point so I said I am going to go to the pub on my own like you always do and went to a pub in town and got something to eat. I have to admit it was a bit boring sitting there on my own and I felt awfully self conscious but on the other hand I also thought of it as a good thing being that I was able to do this despite my having SA, I have always been nervous going into a pub on my own when I am already meeting someone there just walking in there on my own can be a bit nerve racking.

Anyway he phoned me in the pub and we argued a bit and then I went home and phoned him on the way home to say I am going home and then I decided I didn't want to speak to him any more than night as it was too stressful and so I stopped answering my phone. However he left abusive drunken messages on it and my house phone accusing me of doing this that and the other in the pub.

He didn't call for 3 days then he foned on the saturday (probably also to check I'm at home on a sat nite) and told me that he'd had to go to the hospital as he has pancreatitis and because he drank so much that nite it started off problems with that again. Plus accusing me of more stuff I hadn't done all week. I stopped talking to him again and answering the phone or his texts until Sunday when I text and I said I didn't think he treated me like an adult or gave me respect and he drinks too much and I didn't think he was going to change. So then he did his now too frequent trick of going on the net and messaging a woman to try and set up a sexual encounter and then phoning me up to tell me he's done it. Well the other stuff didn't get a response from me and he probably realises that this does because then I phoned up and told him what I thought about him doing that and finally he said he was going to call it off with her (3 x he's done this now to my knowledge) and he'd told me about it as he felt guilty, but I think he told me to wind me up basically.

Then he says that he thinks the only answer to our problems is to get a place together as we would be able to trust one another then as we'd be together. Plus he says he would cut right down on his drinking then and not go to the pub much because he wouldn't be able to afford it and because he'd have me at home waiting for him.

I am not convinced by it. I'd rather see him stop going the pub for a couple of month at least and treat me with respect etc then I might feel comfortable about moving in together, not move in together and hope for the best. So I told him this and he said leave him be for a bit. He got back to me tonite and is still saying the same thing so it don't look like things will change. I probably would have given him a chance if he could have done this but if he can't stay out of the pub now I honestly cant see how he's gonna stay out of the pub later. Do you think am being unreasonable asking him to stay out of the pub when it is affecting his health and affecting us because he gets more argumentative after drinking? I thought maybe I could try just insisting that he don't drink before he sees me and say I'm not going to speak on the phone after he's been drinking, tho I don't think he'd agree to that either. He doesn't drink every day afaik anyway, I just distrust his temper even more when he's been drinking and don't want to be around him. If we were living together I wouldn't be able to get away from him but he keeps insisting he wouldn't be drinking then.

Bottom line is I don't wanna be with someone who drinks more than socially who turns to it when they get stressed then it makes them more nasty. He says me wanting him to stop drinking is controlling. It upsets me to think that I myself might be controlling when I know all the misery it causes me being on the receiving end of someone controlling. I guess he has the right to drink if he wants but don't I also have the right to choose not to be with someone who drinks if I don't like this?

[IndiReloaded]

He says me wanting him to stop drinking is controlling. It upsets me to think that I myself might be controlling when I know all the misery it causes me being on the receiving end of someone controlling. I guess he has the right to drink if he wants but don't I also have the right to choose not to be with someone who drinks if I don't like this?

Wow, he's trying to reverse-psych you. Of course you are right to tell him to stop drinking if it makes him act like an ass.

But, yes, you can't stop him. You can only choose to dump him if he refuses.

That was a long post, all that stuff about the pub, car, etc. But the bottom line is still this guy sounds like a jerk and you are better off without him, I think.

Thanks for the update. Keep us posted, Berg.

[vashti]

My friend, let me tell you this: I'm a nurse, and I've cared for a number of patients with pancreatitis. The road you were heading down was a very, very bad one. Really, if you don't hear anything else, hear this: he is drinking himself to death. be glad he is gone - it is better by FAR to be alone than to deal with someone with that kind of alcohol problem, and even if he decides to sober up, you will have all kinds of new issues to deal with.

Do something nice for yourself. getting rid of him was the best thing you could have done.

[misombra]

i was talking about this with m earlier today. about how abusive relationships start. they don't start out with the guy kicking your ass right away, no. they have to take certain steps to get to that point. the first is to manipulate you into believing that he would die without you. then he would isolate you from your friends. then he's say things to make you feel like nothing. then he'd punch the wall or some other non-living object, then he'd get get really drunk and ballsy and kick your ass. then the next day he would say, "i was drunk i'm sorry!" but then he would do it over and over again until you were dead.

[Bergamot]

I'm a nurse, and I've cared for a number of patients with pancreatitis. The road you were heading down was a very, very bad one. Really, if you don't hear anything else, hear this: he is drinking himself to death.

Is it true that you shouldn't drink at all with pancreatitis? At first he said he was advised not to drink. Way before I knew him he told me that he drank every night then he got ill and says he stopped for 18 months. Just before we got together apparently he started drinking again but not every day at least. He's now saying its ok to drink so long as its not too excessive whatever that is. First he said it was the binge drinking after we fell out that made him have to go back to the hospital but tonite he was saying his pancreas was on that track anyway. I was shocked after he says he had to take 3 days off work last week after that binge night that he rang me from the pub on Monday nite! I think he might be in denial a bit with it?

I did read on the Internet, I think it was on wikipedia that alcohol use can cause pancreatitis, so I figured carrying on drinking can't be doing much good?

[vashti]

Is it true that you shouldn't drink at all with pancreatitis?[/B]

I did read on the Internet, I think it was on wikipedia that alcohol use can cause pancreatitis, so I figured carrying on drinking can't be doing much good?

Alcohol is the most common cause of pancreatitis, and alcohol is toxic to the pancreas. He's probably been suffering bouts of acute illness, but it WILL become chronic with continued abuse. He can also end up with diabetes, hepatitis, multi-organ failure, encephalopathy, and bleeding problems, not to mention interpersonal relationship problems.

[Bergamot]

Alcohol is the most common cause of pancreatitis, and alcohol is toxic to the pancreas. He's probably been suffering bouts of acute illness, but it WILL become chronic with continued abuse. He can also end up with diabetes, hepatitis, multi-organ failure, encephalopathy, and bleeding problems, not to mention interpersonal relationship problems.

Thanks Vashti. Now I'm worried. I don't want to watch him drink himself to death let alone the other stuff. I feel a bit responsible now with him heading for the pub each time we argue.

[vashti]

What for? That's just the excuse he uses for drinking. he is responsible for his own behavior, and trust me: these guys will always look for someone else to blame for their drinking. We had one blame a nurse for making him upset, so he ran out of the hospital A.M.A., ran up the road to the closest bar, got drunk, and came back to the hospital. Mean S.O.B., too.

Don't YOU be taking the blame for his drinking. It will only give him a reason to be able to delay giving up the booze.

[Lite]

Pretty much you have to take care of yourself if you have problems w/ Pancreatitis. It can kill you. But his behavior, his sulking, his bullshit is what landed him there.

Good for you for sticking up to him, but you really just stop associating with him outright. You don't need him, and he's just a dead albatross around your neck.

[habubbles]

LEAVE..NOW...take control of the relationship, and break it off, do you really see yourself marrying this guy? your wasting your time with this guy, you'll never move forward with this guy. you guys keep goin back to square one

[Gigabitch]

We have been sort of half split up for just over a week now. Things came to a head because ...

(insert all manner of rambling justification)

Bergamot, understand this: Things came to a head because he's an asshole and he wants to start shit with you so he can vent his frustrations out on you.

You need to stop rolling over in front of him like a submissive dog. ****, woman, even I want to kick you.

It's not a ****ing drinking problem. It's just a part of the systemic problem on two legs that is your boyfriend. He is a universal mess, and if he stopped drinking, he's only be a sober mess. It wouldn't fix him.

There is something bad wrong with this man and the fact that you still concern yourself with his welfare and even blame yourself for his asshole behavior tells me that there's something bad wrong with you, too.

Why don't you paint a big red V on your forehead, so everyone that sees you will know you're a VICTIM?