TRUST issues

[frustrated_love]

Trust
I have a problem. I am wit a woman who I love so much and she does love me. She has been hurt in the past and I think she has trust issues for reasons of a past relationship.

Trouble is if there is some hearsay, somebody says something that is totally not true she suddenly takes it in like it is true and then goes on on and falls out with me. This time it may be for good.

The thing is I have been nothing but honest with her throughout. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her either.

I am one of the most understanding blokes I think you will ever meet. All I want is for her to be honest, and be herself. I can trust.

What can I do?

[ilovetea]

I don't think there's really anything you can do, if you have been honest with her. If she has trust issues, then she needs to get over them. You can only be patient with her.

[frustrated_love]

this is what annoys me the most. I can accept things if I have done them but when I am totally innocent it gets to me.
I just want to be trusted, and I have never even done anything to be doubted i dont think.

[Gigabitch]

All you can do is be yourself. You can't control what other people say and you can't make her trust you. If you consistently give her no reason to suspect you, she'll start to live in the now and not in the past, but that takes a long time and it sounds like you're already at the end of your patience with this.

Can you wait for her trust to slowly grow?

[GrkScorp]

What can I do?

First of all.., it's not YOU that has the problem..

Secondly.., it just takes some talking and understanding.. I know you probably find it annoying.. frustrating.., and you just want to throw it out there in the open.. "i'm honest.. I would never do that.. get over your trust issues already".. but she's not exactly in the proper state of mind to be able and digest that yet..

1. Afford her a sense of control over information:

- This will eliminate any sense of doubt.., and with that being eliminated.., she will no longer rely on other sources for her information.., but will rely on you more and more.., as this happens.., by definition.., you gain "trust"..

Example: Tell her that you want to go out together.. and that when you go out alone.., she can feel free to call you at any time she wants.., for whatever reason.., and that whenever she wants.., she's more than welcome to come to where you are.. (say it nicely and casually.. not like "you know what?.. from now on.. blah blah")

Example: Allow her to actually check your phone.. bills.. e-mail.. anything and everything.. (no.. i'm not crazy.. more on why later)

2. Make it costly when she doesn't trust you:

- In the long run.., I hate to use the word.., but this is part of "conditioning & training".., she will actually feel bad for even questioning or doubting you.. and that motive alone will act to discourage this type of behavior on her part..

Example: After she doubts or questions you on something.. and she goes ahead to investigate.. and discovers nothing.., you can look at her.. being disappointed.. hurt.., and going so far as to say.. "are you happy now? It's good to know that you trust me so much".. or.. "do you have any idea how it feels for me.. every time you doubt me? I don't think you have any idea what it feels like for the person you love so much to not even trust you at all"..

(Chances are.., she can actually offer resistance to this.. "it's not that I don't trust you.. blah blah".. or "Look.., you know I have a problem".. and my personal favorite.. "Sweety.., you know i'm working on it.. it's not easy for me.. try and understand".., here's how to overcome that)

Example: As she uses that.., your compliance or understanding to that statement & resistance is ZERO.., you're not bending one bit.., and on top of that.., letting her know.., "I'm sorry.., but I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me.., two people can't be in a relationship where they can't both trust eachother.., I can't keep feeling like i'm constantly going on trial for something I didn't do.. that's not fair to me at all.., and I definitely can't be with someone who doesn't seem to get it or respect me enough to understand"..

(Again.., there's one last layer of resistance.., "I'm sorry".., all that is.., is an excuse for her to do it again.., if you accept.., you have just opened the road for more investigations.. for which she can simply say.. "i'm sorry" to after you've reached the same point.. how to counter that?)

Example: "I don't want you to be sorry.., I just want you to stop doubting me.., it REALLY hurts me when you do.., everytime you do.., I can feel what we have together growing weaker.., it's slowly killing us.., and I don't want that to happen.., I want us to love eachother.. and I want us to trust eachother.. ok?"

3. Reward her for trusting you:

- This creates positive motivation for her to trust you in the long-run.., also.., there is a hidden negative effect when she doesn't trust you after she has been rewarded.. "guilt".. the feeling that she's done something wrong.., it's the capstone in conditioning..

Example: When she trusts you for something (fails to doubt or question you).., you should reward her.., It can be something as simple as looking at her with a warm & genuine smile.., hugging her.. kissing her.. and saying "thank you for trusting me.., it really means a lot".., after you reward her.., it's also important to reassure her that she did in fact do the right thing.. (we're not conditioning dogs here.. these are people we're talking about.. this last step is important!).. show her your phone.., text.., e-mails.., or let her talk to the people there.. casually.. very casually.., just to put a rest to any sense of doubt she may still feel.., The combination of being rewarded for trusting you.. and realizing that she can in fact trust you.. is powerful..

There you go.., a 1-2-3 Step plan to getting over trust issues.., if it's inspired you enough after you work out your own trust issues.., feel free to write a book about it or something..

Best,

GrkScorp

[oceanbreeze]

I think it's more than just trust, she also has some kind of insecurity issue with herself.

[Mish]

Trouble is if there is some hearsay, somebody says something that is totally not true she suddenly takes it in like it is true and then goes on on and falls out with me. This time it may be for good.

What happened this time?

[DharmicLove]

I think it's more than just trust, she also has some kind of insecurity issue with herself.

Exactly, I was thinking the same thing.

All you can do is be patient with her, unless you are tired of it, in which case I would suggest you leave her ass. I was in a relationship with an insecure person before, nearly drove me the **** crazy.

[Asparagoose]

Trouble is if there is some hearsay, somebody says something that is totally not true she suddenly takes it in like it is true and then goes on on and falls out with me.

You should gather those people together, and have a talk and get to the truth. Let her see for herself who is telling the truth and who is lying, and see who she can really trust and who she can't.

[frustrated_love]

This time it was somebody who doesn't even know me saying they have seen me with my ex girlfriend all of the time and that were apparently still together!!! The fact is we split over a year ago and I've not so much as touched her hand since the day we split.

I have been on the phone to her mother this morning and they are caring for her. it sound like she is in a bad way and nearly going over the top. They are getting her an appointment at the docs today...she has handed her notice in at her extremely good job and everything.

I am going to leave her to make her own mind up what the truth is and get well again.

I am going to war in a couple of months and and could really do with concentrating on that because I don't want to go and get shot.

[vashti]

This girl sounds exhausting. I'd be giving a lot of consideration to how much of an emotional drain she will be for you when you go overseas. If I were your mama, I would be worried about the great potential for distraction she is.

[frustrated_love]

We have called it a day but I have said I will be there for her is she wants to try and trust me. But I'm all for trust and its hard to have a relationship without it.
I am gutted, I can't hide that.

But I suppose with me going away I need to concentrate on that now.

[halang]

Hi there.
I just found out this simple diagram. Maybe it is good for you and your love.
www dot willingspirits dot com / affair / create.htm

(Sorry, this forum does not allow me to send the proper URL)