Control and trust issues

[Bergamot]

Bergamot, understand this: Things came to a head because he's an asshole and he wants to start shit with you so he can vent his frustrations out on you.

You need to stop rolling over in front of him like a submissive dog. ****, woman, even I want to kick you.

It's not a ****ing drinking problem. It's just a part of the systemic problem on two legs that is your boyfriend. He is a universal mess, and if he stopped drinking, he's only be a sober mess. It wouldn't fix him.

There is something bad wrong with this man and the fact that you still concern yourself with his welfare and even blame yourself for his asshole behavior tells me that there's something bad wrong with you, too.

Why don't you paint a big red V on your forehead, so everyone that sees you will know you're a VICTIM?

I find that a touch harsh to say the least you should get a job at the local women's aid centre I'm sure they could do with people with your skills.

Having concern for someone's welfare with regards to health despite them having been a git to you I thought was called having compassion.

In my defence I think I have been standing up to him a lot recently which is why there's been so much trouble between us. You're right tho its not the drink making him horrid as he still has anger issues when not drinking but the drinking does exacerbate it.

[Bergamot]

What for? That's just he excuse he uses for drinking. he is responsible for his own behavior, and trust me: these guys will always look for someone else to blame for their drinking. We had one blame a nurse for making him upset, so he ran out of the hospital A.M.A., ran up the road to the closest bar, got drunk, and came back to the hospital. Mean S.O.B., too.

Don't YOU be taking the blame for his drinking. It will only give him a reason to be able to delay giving up the booze.

Ye I did tell him it was he that chose to drink after falling out with me when he did at times try to acuse me of driving him to drink and point out that I don't get drunk when we fall out so I don't really believe I am responsible when I'm thinking straight about it.

[Bergamot]

Thanks to those who have given advice and support.

Well I told him it wasn't going to work out without him showing me he could show me respect and cut out the drinking etc. He thinks his drinking isn't a problem and isn't a problem to his health and said he only needed to abstain for 1 year after first getting pancreatitis then he could drink moderately the doctor told him he said. Plus he thinks that he treats me like an angel yes he has a few bad points but that's him. So I give up.

During the discussion he was talking quite calmly and seeming a bit more reasonable and after questioning I gave out that I had spoken to the 2 ex's on the telephone a few times since he forbade me to speak to them and I said I wished I could have been straight with him about not wanting to give them up completely after them being friends for so many years. Well that's made him angry today and so now its his turn to finish it again because I am such a dishonest person the one thing he can't abide is lies etc.

Oh well let him have the moral high ground if he wants it. Hopefully this is the last I will hear from him, tho I doubt it, (I've still got the laptop now he's refusing to accept it back so don't know what to do about that I'd rather he just took the damn thing back than have the worry at back of my mind that he's still got that excuse to bother me again). I'm determined not to go back out with him again tho but concentrate on trying to rebuild my life again.

[IndiReloaded]

He's still trying to reverse psych you. Good you aren't taking it.

Its not moral high road, its denial. Sounds like this guy can't admit a mistake. That's not good b/c admitting a mistake is the first step to solving a problem. Can't fix what you don't understand.

Good for you, Berg, for recognizing a hopeless case before you made things any more permanent with this guy. You really are better off without this guy.

[Bergamot]

He's still trying to reverse psych you. Good you aren't taking it.

Thanks, how do you mean reverse psyche? sorry not quite getting it.

[misombra]

i just got into a slight argument with my friend about this.

she was telling me about her friend who got with this guy who is currently trying to do the jealous/controlling thing. he wants to see her phone bill, wants to know who she's with, wants to control what she does.

i told her what i told you guys. next thing you know he's gonna be kicking her ass.

she left because she thought i was being too cynical and bitchy. i think she's naive with her, "no, i don't think she'd allow that." who goes into a relationship thinking, "i'm gonna allow him to control me and kick my ass?"

it's just cause i've been there and i know exactly how it goes.

[vashti]

next thing you know he's gonna be kicking her ass.

she left because she thought i was being too cynical and bitchy. i think she's naive with her, "no, i don't think she'd allow that."

Yes, that is true. No one ever believes going in that the guy would stoop so low, or that they'd be weak enough to tolerate it. It turns out that women can be very fragile in the right circumstances.

Bergamot - good for you for getting rid of him. I am worried you are still vulnerable, though, and I bet you anything he is going to try to worm his way back in. Come back around here if you need us to talk some sense into you.

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks, how do you mean reverse psyche? sorry not quite getting it.

In this context, I mean he is accusing you of the very things he is doing. Its a form of mental manipulation. These types of relationship are the ones that leave you thinking "Am I crazy.... Am *I* crazy??"

[Cbrider]

Thanks, how do you mean reverse psyche? sorry not quite getting it.

Hes the one with the problems, yet hes trying to make you believe you are the problem. You talking to your ex's was not the problem, his childish behavior and personal choices were.

Its a common trait shared by people with controlling personalities. The best way to make someone submissive to you is to make them believe they are wrong or less of a person. Its demoralizing and flat out wrong, yet sadly some people never grow out of this stage.

For what its worth, the choice you made and the action you took is something that most people can't do. You have a clear head and just need to realize there is something more for you out there. I was in a similar relationship with a person who had a need for control but to a lesser degree. It took me months to realize that I had been had and once I turned the tide shit hit the fan and it all fell apart. Live and learn

[windwalker]

People clings on their unstable relationship or love are always due to the false-hope, one day everything would gonna to work out fine. But that day possible do not exist at all.
The other things is habit, the relationship habitually occupied time suddenly been cut-off making the person off-balance, and all kind of anxious things kick-in.
So, if you commit yourself "run-away" from the monster, please quickly look-out the "works" to fill that gap, so that you could feel stability.
Once you decides, never come-back.

[Bergamot]

I have been reading a bit on the net about abusive relationships and for a lot of it it feels like the people who wrote this stuff have been following me around the past 5-6 months that I've been going out with my (still thankfully) ex bf and analysising our relationship because its all there, the typicals signs of things likely to be said and done.

My ex is still giving me problems via telephone/voicemail/text. I really should ignore it and not get into arguments with him trying to defend myself and tell him what an ass he's been to me etc, I find it difficult not to react tho and I also feel less of a victim by fighting back but it makes things escalate.

He's still telling me that my life is useless and gonna be crap without him, I'm 42 and will never meet anyone else who will commit to me and treat me as well as he did! That my life is going nowhere and never will etc. This really makes me mad as I've battled with self esteem issues for a long time and have worked hard using CBT to get over my SA and listening to things like Anthony Robbins to try to motivate myself to change my life. I still have a long way to go with sorting out all of that but I'm not going to keep letting him undo all that good work that I did and stop me from moving forward in life with his put downs and insults and trying to devalue everything I do, think and feel. He may think that by making me think my future alone is bleak that I'll want him back but not this time!

[misombra]

I have been reading a bit on the net about abusive relationships and for a lot of it it feels like the people who wrote this stuff have been following me around the past 5-6 months that I've been going out with my (still thankfully) ex bf and analysising our relationship because its all there, the typicals signs of things likely to be said and done.

My ex is still giving me problems via telephone/voicemail/text. I really should ignore it and not get into arguments with him trying to defend myself and tell him what an ass he's been to me etc, I find it difficult not to react tho and I also feel less of a victim by fighting back but it makes things escalate.

He's still telling me that my life is useless and gonna be crap without him, I'm 42 and will never meet anyone else who will commit to me and treat me as well as he did! That my life is going nowhere and never will etc. This really makes me mad as I've battled with self esteem issues for a long time and have worked hard using CBT to get over my SA and listening to things like Anthony Robbins to try to motivate myself to change my life. I still have a long way to go with sorting out all of that but I'm not going to keep letting him undo all that good work that I did and stop me from moving forward in life with his put downs and insults and trying to devalue everything I do, think and feel. He may think that by making me think my future alone is bleak that I'll want him back but not this time!

no. you are the victim as long as you respond to him. you are the victim if you are engaging with him.

[Bergamot]

Well he phoned up talking about wanting to get back together and I said one heck of a lot would need to change and didn't think it would. I decided to explain everything in an email, I think I put it as fairly as I could why I thought some behaviours of his have been wrong and abusive. However he did as I expected and came back saying that he doesn't accept any of it and that he thinks that I must be mentally ill, crazy coming out with all of this stuff I've spent too much time on my own over analyzing things and he's a really good bloke and he genuinely beliefs no other bloke would put up with me due to my quirky lifestyle and ideas and only being able to work part time currently and he doesn't say that to make me feel like I need to stay with him. All he's guilty of is losing his temper 5 or 6 times in 6 months (more like 100 I'd say) and all of our problems have stemmed from me due to how quirky I am wanting to do unreasonable things that normal people don't do. And so on.

Worse thing is I'm left thinking to myself that maybe I am the one who is crazy and he's just a normal bloke put under too much stress of having to deal with me and my peculiar ways.

In the end I just told him that he probably needs to find someone who is more like the person he wants and can give him the level of commitment he needs because I don't want that and that I'm probably too independent minded for him and so we said we'd stay still split up. He was quite calm on the telephone and he said he didn't feel bitter anymore (tho he did yesterday) so maybe things will all calm down now and can go on with life with any luck.

[misombra]

okay. now leave him alone. k?

[vashti]

I hope he stays gone, that manipulative S.O.B.