Control and trust issues

[Bergamot]

Well one of his friends who I have met once and we seemed to get on (he was there) contacted me via facebook and asked if I wanted to come out on her birthday. Didn't really know what to do and didn't want to just snub her and also I ain't really got much in the way of female friends, so I replied and said thanks for the invite but not sure if my ex would be happy if I came along assuming he's going too but maybe we could get together some other time. Big mistake it looks like. She contacted him right away, turns out she didn't know we were finished until I said so, and asked him to go out for a drink. She hasn't shown no interest in meeting either of us since we met that new years eve. Now I remember that me and the ex had also fallen out 2 days prior and he had told her we were over then after not seeing her all of the time we'd been together and that was from August, and she had suggested she come over on NYE. As it happened me and ex made up that time so I came along to the NYE thing just the 3 of us at his house.

Anyway this prompted yet another abusive phone call him saying how dare I contact his friends she's his friend not mine and if I ever 'mess' with his friends again he's going to tell em this and that about me.

When we were together my ex didn't want me to have friends like I've said before he made it difficult and caused a huge fuss when I tried to make new friends on the Internet. Instead he told me that I could have his female friends and told 3 of them to put me on their facebook. He said he wanted me to be friends with the one I met on NYE but when I suggested meeting up for badminton to her he went mad later on about it saying I was trying to arrange it on 'our time'.

Anyway firstly I have to wonder whether she has any designs on him herself (good luck to her) though she has a bf who she lives with apparently she aint happy with him and they live pretty much separate lives. But aside from that it seems I might be better off cutting all ties not just with him but with the 3 friends that I've got on my facebook as it seems it'll give him an excuse to keep abusing me if I try to keep any sort of contact with them and they are going to keep reporting back to him. Also since they are his friends and will get all his side of the story I feel uncomfortable with having them on my facebook, like I don't want to write things on my facebook or do anything on there anymore as I don't want him to know anything about my life anymore. Plus what happens when I meet someone else I'd be reluctant to show anything on there as it would probably get back to him and prompt more mentalist reaction from him.

So should I just delete them from my facebook with no explanation and let them think I'm being funny with them or should I write and try and explain that I just need to cut all ties from him, which could make things worse as they may report back to the ex anything I write?

[Aeradalia]

So should I just delete them from my facebook with no explanation and let them think I'm being funny with them or should I write and try and explain that I just need to cut all ties from him, which could make things worse as they may report back to the ex anything I write?

You do not owe them any explanations.. so why worry? Just cut ties and move on with your life. They do not matter anymore.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you know you mustn't reply to him. He's just doing the same-old crappy controlling stuff.

But, oh, I *love* these kinds of problems. If you want to do a little experiment just tell this gal who contacted you that you wish her a happy birthday. Be sincere. But say you don't think its a good idea to go out, as you've been having problems with your ex. Make sure you *attach* his abusive message to what you send her.

See the beauty of this? If he's been a 'quiet abuser', this will give a heads up to this gal and screw up their friendship. If they are in this together, there is no way he could ever find out you forwarded his message UNLESS she tells him.

Either way, you win. He's a dum-dum to put anything in writing.

[vashti]

Just delete them. If they are friends with him, they are very likely to be not-quite-right anyway. Go make your own friends, preferably ones that are emotionally healthy.

[misombra]

oh jeez.

1. don't answer calls.
2. if he leaves messages on your phone, delete them the second you hear his voice.
3. delete him and all his friends from facebook.
4. erase his messages.

it's pretty simple. sounds like you kinda like the drama about this. leave his ass alone!

[Aeradalia]

Drama = Stress

Stress = Lack of Happiness

So if you want Happiness... you're going to have to ditch the drama...

They do not matter anymore... just cut all ties and move on.

[Bergamot]

Yes he is a quiet abuser Indi, all his friends think he's the nicest guy from what I gather. Haven't got much computer evidence of the abuse to show the girl as I've deleted it all and deleted a lot of texts and voicemails, kept some of the worse though just in case it went too far as I'd have no proof then.

I've deleted them on facebook, I did opt to put a short explanation in rightly or wrongly to say its not personal against them, I just feel better doing it that way, he was deleted long time ago. Gonna try and bar his numbers from my mobile and landline if possible also.

[plexus]

i think you did the right thing, bergamot. i just read through this thread. i was going to type a message about how it would require major changes on your and his part that were probably not possible but you could try. if it didnt work you'd need to get out. its great that you were able to break free of the feelings that were keeping you tied to him. fantastic! that kind of self-power is an expression of self-esteem!

sometimes conflicts cant be worked out. sometimes they can. the only way is for both people to be open to it. to be willing and able partners towards getting along and loving one another. sometimes relationships need to be "recalibrated" from time to time. and sometimes they just simply dont work out.

congratulations!

[IndiReloaded]

Its okay Berg, I was kidding. Just one of those nice "thought experiments" to make you smile. Ppl reap what they sow, sooner or later. Just keep up the NC.

However, if he escalates or sends anything truly threatening, do not delete it. You never know if you might need it. Stalkers happen and he sounds messed up enough to perhaps go there.

Keep smiling hun.

[plexus]

hey berg. i got your priv message. i cant reply because i need 15 posts before the system will let me reply privately. the reason i deleted my first post was because i posted assuming you were still with him because i didnt read the last pages of the thread. then i saw you left him and my post was irrelevant.

[paul_mot]

Hi,
I didn't read all what you have written, its a HUGE summery, if we can call it summery.

apparently your husband is jealous, well as a man, I would advice you:

if you really like this man, you should understand him, so dont be bothered if he doesn't let you go out much.
Its your right to tell him to stop talking to that woman, and you should do it without fear, don't be dependent to him.

[Gigabitch]

Hi,
I didn't read all what you have written, its a HUGE summery, if we can call it summery.

apparently your husband is jealous, well as a man, I would advice you:

if you really like this man, you should understand him, so dont be bothered if he doesn't let you go out much.
Its your right to tell him to stop talking to that woman, and you should do it without fear, don't be dependent to him.

If you can't be bothered to read the posts, don't post anything at all.

Bergamot, please ignore this person.

[lilmama615]

I'm proud that you did what was best for you because at the beginning of this thread, when you listed the positives and negatives--it seems that the negatives outweighed the positives anyway and that's when you know you gotta go. Congratulations!

[Bergamot]

I tried to block his numbers so he wouldn't be able to call or text me or leave voicemail but the phone and mobile companies say they can't do it. It would be such a relief to not even receive it, I can feel the anxiety each time my phone rings or gives a text alert. I'd change my numbers but I need at least the mobile number for business, no point in changing it because I'd need to advertise it or I'd get no new clients! So he'd just get my new number from my website.

[Aeradalia]

Bergamot.. that's easy enough to solve... if he calls:


"Hello, (name of business) this is (your name)... how may I help you? Oh... hello (his name)? Please don't call this number again... now **** off and die... have a nice day..." Then hang up phone.

Do this every time he calls (from a number you don't recognize)... no matter what he says... just adhere to the lines. Remember... consistency is the only way to get the point across..