Control and trust issues

[Bergamot]

Hi, I am new here and have come here looking for advice as I don't have anyone else to talk to about this really.

I am a 42 year old gal and have been in a relationship with a 36 year old guy for just over 5 months now. From the start it has been stormy.

I could write pages of stuff that has gone on but briefly the issues I want to talk about here are to do with control and trust.

For various reasons I didn't have many friends when I entered into this relationship including having social anxiety (SA). However I did have a couple of ex boyfriends whom I'd been friends with for years after the relationships were over plus a few online friends and some acquaintances. One way or another my bf has found reasons for me to stop seeing the ex bfs. One was because I let slip that one of them probably still has some 'revealing' pics of me, we did a badminton class together but I have had to give that up. The other I think was just because I went out with him for about 4 years in total.

I don't like to feel totally dependent on him so I tried looking for a couple of new female friends and that caused a huge amount of fuss between us as he felt threatened that I might go out with them to a pub and be chatted up by men. However this was far from my intention and in fact would feel quite uncomfortable if we did get chatted up due to my SA. As it happens the new friends didn't work out, we met once and it didn't progress from there.

I have some health problems which makes it difficult for me to work during the daytime, I have a part time business but this only brings in a small income. Early on in the relationship I suggested getting a job in a pub - this caused a huge row also so I haven't done it.

My bf told me that he thought I should see him at the very least (and this took some hard negotiating) 5 nites per week (he has college on one of those nites) including the whole of the weekend - weekends are certainly not negotiable. That is to say unless he wants to negotiate some 'time off' eg to watch football on a Friday nite.

Every time there is an issue between us he ends up breaking up with me and we have horrendous fights for a few days (not physical but he tried to kick in my front door one nite whilst drunk), invariably I end up taking the blame for everything and we get back together.

He himself has a lot of friends that he communicates with via text and facebook and some by telephone as well as good friends with work colleagues. He has a few friends outside work he sees occasionally. Other than that he likes to go to the pub. He usually goes to the same pub where he has developed a close friendship with the woman behind the bar whom he confides in about our relationship and problems. He goes there on our 'nites off' and also more and more frequently straight after work for a couple of hours before seeing me. After a few drinks he can become quite argumentative with me eg when he telephones me after he's been to the pub on our 'nites off'.

I am really not happy with this situation. I feel insecure most of the time that we could break up any day if I say the wrong things and unable to talk honestly with him about things as if I bring up issues it often results in him finishing with me. I also feel aggreived about what I percieve to be as double standards - I wouldn't be 'allowed' to go to the pub with friends and certainly not be allowed to have any close male friends. I also do feel threatened by the relationship he has with this woman because every time we argue he goes to the pub and talks to her about it. Then he phones me up and tells me what people in the pub think about my behaviour etc.

Time before last we broke up he phoned me and left texts telling me about his intentions to have sex with another woman he had on his facebook. I honestly believed he had done this. I was terribly upset and ended up doing a bad thing myself involving cybering with a guy I'd known online for a long time whom I did have some weird online relationship with for a while but thats another story. Things blew over and me and the bf got back together and he said that although he had arranged with this girl for her to come stay with him the weekend that he had done this while drunk and called it off the next day. I wondered about telling him about the online guy but decided it would be the final death of us and only hurt him. However a few days later he was on my computer and found the chat log which I was sure I had deleted. So we fell out again for another few days in which I begged for forgiveness and he finally forgave me.

Things were good for 10 days or so but the cracks are starting to show again. Any time I try to discuss anything he reminds me about the awful thing I did. Things just ain't right between us I feel. I want things to work with him but I find it hard to give the commitment he wants ie devotion to him and not having any friends. He trys to tell me that that is what it is like with couples, that they don't see friends or go out to classes but only keep in touch with old friends (well I didn't have many only the ex bfs which I'm not allowed to see now). I also feel that we haven't really discussed the trust issues or reason for the infidelities or threat of on his part.

When things are good between us it seems like it is very good and he is good to me in lots of ways like insisting on cooking dinner for me. However we always have to do what he wants to do which is watch a film or tv and he will never come to my house. I get bored with this night after night and try to suggest doing other things but this often ends up with him getting angry at me accusing me that nothing he does for me will ever be enough etc.

I dont know what to do anymore. I tried talking to him about things yesterday on the telephone by saying that I felt we still needed to discuss things but he reacted in his usual defensive/offensive way immediately going on the attack and it wasn't long before he started threatening splitting up again, so I just left it. But I know that if I just keep stum about how I feel about things that I'm just going to end up harbouring resentments and I am likely to build up a barrier between us, keep him at a bit of a distance, get frustrated and well start dreaming of finding a better relationship with someone else.

I don't want to do this I want to save the relationship. Any advice, comments, feedback on this would be most welcome.

Thanks Kari

[Gigabitch]

Kari, why in the hell would you want to save this relationship? It sucks. Can't you see that?

[Bergamot]

I guess out of love? I've had issues in the past with love addiction so it could be to do with that. Fear of loneliness: my life would pretty much be empty with regards to social contact for some time maybe if we split up.

I guess as well because the times when we have got on together I have felt happy, we have had some happy times despite all of the bad and I want to be able to feel like I really tried before throwing in the towel. I know deep down that I probably can't change him but at least if I could change my own issues with trusting him it might be a lot better?

[Indignant]

could you tell us anything positive about his personality? what attracted you to him in the first place?

[Bergamot]

could you tell us anything positive about his personality? what attracted you to him in the first place?

Yes he does have some positive qualities. He can be caring and would help out a friend if they needed it. He would help me out if I needed something. He is affectionate and can be warm hearted and loving. He can be funny and make me laugh. He can be gentle and sweet and do nice thoughtful things for me and he always wants to cook me dinner when I see him, (I offer to cook but he won't have it - hey my cooking ain't that bad!).

He does seem to have this jekyl and hyde type of thing going on.

[Indignant]

then what are the negatives?

[Bergamot]

then what are the negatives?

Well basically wot is outlined in my first post.

The restrictiveness of the situation in that I am not allowed to have friends or go to classes etc where I could meet friends.
The double standards of it all bugs me in that its fine for him to have friends and go to the pub and be half cut drunk for our 'dates'.

The way he basically slags me off to his mates in the pub especially that bar woman and then tells me about it later saying things like 'wot karisha is going to do next is becoming a running joke in the pub'.

The way he talks to me in a way I find disrespectful, calls me abusive names, talks down to me, laughs when I try to bring up issues with him and then goes into his nasty attack mode.

The insecurity of the situation the way he gets nasty then finishes with me over things like me wanting to meet a new female friend.

The trauma of each time we break up; I can't eat or sleep and am in a state of anxiety, on edge whenever the phone rings or I get a text as if its from him its going to be real nasty stuff.

He bought me a laptop for xmas, very expensive gift I know and I basically said don't get it its too expensive but he insisted and it was a very sweet thing to do. But every time we break up he is phoning up shouting abuse demanding it back and threatening things like he's going to phone the police and say that I've stolen it from him. So I am scared to use it because its a lot of work you know setting it up with all the programs and setting it up to work on, I do computer programming and could use it for that but it usually takes me 2 days to configure the web server and set up all that. Then all my work will be on there and we could fall out and I'd have to wipe it all off again and give it back to him, seems big waste of time and frustrating.

We broke up about 5 times over the period from just before xmas to just after new year. Each time I believe its real and the nastiness of the situation is so upsetting and after that time he nearly kicked down my door the next time we argued I got paranoid and ended up buying extra new bolts for the front door. And I feel paranoid about what else he might do because he threatens hes going to do something but he'll be non specific about it which is worse I think cos you can't prepare yourself.

Basically not being able to assert myself in the relationship and express my own desires for fear of the consequences which range from the simple put downs to the full breaking up and nastiness.

And of course the sex only happens when he wants it and if I don't he'll pressurise me to please him.

[vashti]

I honestly believe if you tolerate his controlling nature, you have some deep-seated emotional problems that need to be worked out with a therapist. Very few women your age would tolerate this sort of nonsense. You are being treated like a child by someone with the emotional maturity of a sullen teenager with his first girlfriend.

Give him back his computer, and tell him to get lost. Get yourself to a therapist too, which will help with your anxiety issues (which incidentally, are surely reinforced by your choice in men).

[oxygenidia]

Do you really need our advice? The guy is controlling, manipulative, and the fact that he wants to argue when he is drunk and tried to kick in your door (this is a sign he is violent and the next time it might not be the door he is kicking) are vary bad signs. I think that you allready know this is wrong, or you wouldn't have written it here.

Trust me, I've been in a relationship with a guy similar to this, always wanted to argue when he had been drinking, it was ok for him to see his friends but he wanted me to end contact with mine, everything was always my fault, and so on.... And when I look back at it, I really don't know why I was ever with him. I was way to good for him and he knew that as well. The thing is that I had very low selfesteem back then (I was 19) and he took advantage of that.

I think that you have low selfesteem as well. The social anxiety that you mention is probably part of that, I have it as well. What you need to realise is that you don't need some asshole guy beeing an asshole to you. What you need is to deal with you personal issues, like the social problems, start going out and making friends and improve your confidence.

Personally, I would much rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone like that. Guys are not everything in life. Selfrespect is more important.

[eniboy]

Hi, I am new here and have come here looking for advice as I don't have anyone else to talk to about this really.

I am a 42 year old gal and have been in a relationship with a 36 year old guy for just over 5 months now. From the start it has been stormy.

I could write pages of stuff that has gone on but briefly the issues I want to talk about here are to do with control and trust.

For various reasons I didn't have many friends when I entered into this relationship including having social anxiety (SA). However I did have a couple of ex boyfriends whom I'd been friends with for years after the relationships were over plus a few online friends and some acquaintances. One way or another my bf has found reasons for me to stop seeing the ex bfs. One was because I let slip that one of them probably still has some 'revealing' pics of me, we did a badminton class together but I have had to give that up. The other I think was just because I went out with him for about 4 years in total.

I don't like to feel totally dependent on him so I tried looking for a couple of new female friends and that caused a huge amount of fuss between us as he felt threatened that I might go out with them to a pub and be chatted up by men. However this was far from my intention and in fact would feel quite uncomfortable if we did get chatted up due to my SA. As it happens the new friends didn't work out, we met once and it didn't progress from there.

I have some health problems which makes it difficult for me to work during the daytime, I have a part time business but this only brings in a small income. Early on in the relationship I suggested getting a job in a pub - this caused a huge row also so I haven't done it.

My bf told me that he thought I should see him at the very least (and this took some hard negotiating) 5 nites per week (he has college on one of those nites) including the whole of the weekend - weekends are certainly not negotiable. That is to say unless he wants to negotiate some 'time off' eg to watch football on a Friday nite.

Every time there is an issue between us he ends up breaking up with me and we have horrendous fights for a few days (not physical but he tried to kick in my front door one nite whilst drunk), invariably I end up taking the blame for everything and we get back together.

He himself has a lot of friends that he communicates with via text and facebook and some by telephone as well as good friends with work colleagues. He has a few friends outside work he sees occasionally. Other than that he likes to go to the pub. He usually goes to the same pub where he has developed a close friendship with the woman behind the bar whom he confides in about our relationship and problems. He goes there on our 'nites off' and also more and more frequently straight after work for a couple of hours before seeing me. After a few drinks he can become quite argumentative with me eg when he telephones me after he's been to the pub on our 'nites off'.

I am really not happy with this situation. I feel insecure most of the time that we could break up any day if I say the wrong things and unable to talk honestly with him about things as if I bring up issues it often results in him finishing with me. I also feel aggreived about what I percieve to be as double standards - I wouldn't be 'allowed' to go to the pub with friends and certainly not be allowed to have any close male friends. I also do feel threatened by the relationship he has with this woman because every time we argue he goes to the pub and talks to her about it. Then he phones me up and tells me what people in the pub think about my behaviour etc.

Time before last we broke up he phoned me and left texts telling me about his intentions to have sex with another woman he had on his facebook. I honestly believed he had done this. I was terribly upset and ended up doing a bad thing myself involving cybering with a guy I'd known online for a long time whom I did have some weird online relationship with for a while but thats another story. Things blew over and me and the bf got back together and he said that although he had arranged with this girl for her to come stay with him the weekend that he had done this while drunk and called it off the next day. I wondered about telling him about the online guy but decided it would be the final death of us and only hurt him. However a few days later he was on my computer and found the chat log which I was sure I had deleted. So we fell out again for another few days in which I begged for forgiveness and he finally forgave me.

Things were good for 10 days or so but the cracks are starting to show again. Any time I try to discuss anything he reminds me about the awful thing I did. Things just ain't right between us I feel. I want things to work with him but I find it hard to give the commitment he wants ie devotion to him and not having any friends. He trys to tell me that that is what it is like with couples, that they don't see friends or go out to classes but only keep in touch with old friends (well I didn't have many only the ex bfs which I'm not allowed to see now). I also feel that we haven't really discussed the trust issues or reason for the infidelities or threat of on his part.

When things are good between us it seems like it is very good and he is good to me in lots of ways like insisting on cooking dinner for me. However we always have to do what he wants to do which is watch a film or tv and he will never come to my house. I get bored with this night after night and try to suggest doing other things but this often ends up with him getting angry at me accusing me that nothing he does for me will ever be enough etc.

I dont know what to do anymore. I tried talking to him about things yesterday on the telephone by saying that I felt we still needed to discuss things but he reacted in his usual defensive/offensive way immediately going on the attack and it wasn't long before he started threatening splitting up again, so I just left it. But I know that if I just keep stum about how I feel about things that I'm just going to end up harbouring resentments and I am likely to build up a barrier between us, keep him at a bit of a distance, get frustrated and well start dreaming of finding a better relationship with someone else.

I don't want to do this I want to save the relationship. Any advice, comments, feedback on this would be most welcome.

Thanks Kari

It is only that you have the fear of God at heart. You still believe in true love and im sure you will find it somewhere. get me right, it is only you who truely understand your man but the first mistake is for him to tell you she want to sleep with somebody she meet online. Online Dating is nothing but outright rubbish when you are talking of real love. I dont think any of my girlfriend will ever tell me that at first instance. I dont normally break any relationship but the way you have talked you heart is too fragile for a man to break. Please find another reliable man.

[Bergamot]

Ye I think I had in my head even at the beginning that things done were looking manipulative and controlling. See but then I get confused because he has this nice side where he's making dinner and trying to do things for me without me even asking.

The last 10 days seemed great overall and the difference was that because I felt so awful about what I'd done with that guy online and my bf being so hurt by it that I'd do anything to try and make it up to him. So I do this by doing whatever makes him happy and don't voice own wants and needs. He wants to watch tv all nite then we watch it all nite and I don't complain as I should be grateful he's even still going out with me. He wants to see me 5 times a week and all weekend then I do it. He wants me to not see one of the potential new friends I tried to make well then I don't text her to ask her to come to aerobics class like I would have done otherwise. I don't go to badminton or gym like I used to and I tell him I won't look for new friends.

Trouble is I can't sustain this because it just isn't me, I just don't want to stare at the tv for 4-5 hours nite after nite, nothing wrong with watching tv I just get bored after so much of it and I start to feel frustrated that while he has his pub and friends I'm not allowed to have any. So then I start 'causing trouble' again by start expressing my opinions. He gets angry before the first sentence is properly out and starts verbally attacking me: After all he's done for me I repay him by complaining, nothing will ever be good enough for me. Most normal couples are happy to just have each other and might go out with friends once in 3 months and most normal couples are happy to just watch tv. I should count myself lucky that he doesn't make me watch football every nite like a lot of blokes do, he's had to sacrifice his football watching for me (he watches it every day at some point when I'm not there plus probably 3 hours average pw week whilst I am there). People in work think he's soft because he isn't watching the footy every nite like he used to.

He had a game on Friday nite with his fav team. Before he knew this he told me we were going to the cinema so then he tells me that he could go to the pub after work then come home and watch the football and not see me. But because he's such a good bf he's going to still take me to the cinema. Doesn't know how he's going to explain it to people in work that he's not going to be watching it Friday nite tho. This after he had previously took pains to tell me how important it was that we saw each other especially Friday and Saturday nite. I try to say that if its important to him then stay home and watch the footy we can go to cinema Saturday instead. This made him angry wtf?

Anyway we didn't go on Friday because I'd already started to 'play up' by earlier in the day texting him and asking if we could have a chat as the nite before I met him in the pub and he was doing his argumentative thing and I started questioning our relationship again and wanting to discuss this issue with him about me not being allowed to have friends. So I've caused problems again which meant he had to go to the pub straight from work and slag me off to the bar woman and others in the pub again instead. Then he's phoning me and getting angry and calling me names etc and why do I have to go and ruin everything again.

Tonite I go round there and I'm holding my tongue but feeling very unhappy. While he's making dinner he says we're going to see The Wrestler later. Now here's my next mistake, instead of being happy about that I suggest is there any other films on. So he tells me to look on the net. There are 12 films on. He has 6 in his mind that he wouldn't mind seeing (I don't know which ones). I have a look and suggest 1 that isn't on his list and he basically hits the roof and starts shouting and swearing of all the f***** films I have to pick the worst one I just do it to wind him up (I wasn't it was the only comedy in the list with times showing when we were planning to go and he usually likes comedy films) stupid cow you have to ruin everything why can't u just accept that this is I good film he picked instead of being F***** awkward?

See if I could just learnt to shut TF up like I did for those 10 days then everything would be fine. But no I have to go speaking my mind.

Tonite ended with us not going to the cinema again because I ended up crying after him shouting at me and couldn't stop, its difficult eating dinner and crying at the same time. So then he said we won't go to the cinema and we'll talk: Progress at last. However when I finally can stop crying and start to mention one issue he blows up again. In the end I find the strength to stop crying and stick up for myself so we have another big argument. I bring up the issue of me wanting to maybe try and find a new female friend after all he has friends in the pub etc (talk about bad timing I know). This is the final straw for him and we're finished again this time its definately for good he's had enough of me and I'm ordered to go home.

When I get home I realise I've left my thyroid tablets at his house and I have none for tomorrow (he was kind enough to pick them up for me today when I didn't have time due to having to work). So I had to telephone him to discuss me picking them up. He's calmed down then and he's changed it that he doesn't have a problem me wanting to have a friend so long as it doesn't impact on us (mustn't see them during our 5 holy days or go out to the pub with them and some other restrictions I can't bring to mind atm) and I mustn't meet them on the Internet (the girl I met before was from a gumtree ad I replied to that was in the friends only section and she was asking for female straight friends to socialise with) cos they are all weird (I met him through gumtree btw when I put an ad in the friends only section myself asking for friends, he answered and then pressurised me to go out with him, I was reluctant at first because I didn't think I was ready for a relationship after the trauma of the last one with the guy online). He had a thing that everyone from the Internet that I might talk to is weird before he found out I'd cybered with that other online guy, but I guess now he's doubly suspicious of people online.

Sorry to go on. Thanks to everyone who has replied. I guess I am very confused about all of this. On the one hand I can see the manipulation and abuse but on the other I start to think that its partly my fault for keep causing trouble like this but then I think am I thinking that because he's brain washed me into thinking that? Ugh.

Its right that I have very low self esteem I know. Looking at my relationships with men quite a lot of them have been dysfunctional in some way and I should have walked away long long before I did in each case. I guess it might be the low self esteem that attracts guys that are bad for me I don't know. Its difficult for me to really know what a good relationship is because I've not had many in fact even the best one was quite dysfunctional probably. I'm also quite isolated due to my SA and health problems so when eg the bf tells me its normal for committed couples to have little or any outside friends I dont know how true this is and if its just me being plain difficult like he says however do have a feeling that surely not being allowed to have even a single female friend can't be right.

So probably ye it would be good for me to see a therapist, I think I'd need something like that if I were to be able to find the strength to get out of this situation. Half of me wants out while the other half is holding on to the belief that it can all be worked out and is scared of facing life alone and all the trouble and trauma a break up from him would cause.

Before the thing with the guy online I was single and had no relationship whatsoever with any guy for about 2 years and I reached a point where I thought I felt content with that and really had no interest in having a relationship. People used to say why don't I do internet dating or speed dating and I'd say I'm really happy being single. Then one day I don't know what happened I was speaking to a business client and she was real nice and friendly and I just got the idea in my head from then how I missed having close relationships and from that day on I felt lonely and starting seeking contact with people on the Internet which ended up in the weird online relationship with the guy on the net whom there was never any real chance of it becoming real because he had agrophobia so we couldn't meet in real life. That relationship caused me immense misery due to the frustration of the situation and basically unrequittedness of it and he finally told me he had another girl online who he'd fallen for. So when I met my current bf it was a month after I'd found out about the other girl and I was still in a very vulnerable place. I was trying to rebuild my life and find some new friends but I ended up with a new bf relationship that I wasn't ready for instead.

[misombra]

if you don't break free from this person, he will start beating you up.

unfortunately i have seen a lot of people in your case stay until somebody is either dead, beat up so bad they may as well be dead, or someone is in jail and has no physical contact with the other.

the road you're on is very grim.

[Lite]

So, my question is this. What are you doing to handle your Social Anxiety, and what is he doing to help you conquer that. If the answer to either is really nothing, and that one or both of you is working to merely maintain the status quo, then the relationship needs to end, and you need to commit yourself fully to healing.

[Bokonon]

Run, do not walk, away from this relationship.

It is worse than being alone.

Take some time to work with your social anxiety and continue to try to make new friends. You will find someone new eventually this way. Don't settle for an abusive partner because you are afraid of loneliness!

[Bergamot]

I'm not convinced it would go as far as actual violence, at least not whilst sober but you can never be that sure when someone's been drinking and they get angry so that does concern me. But even when he found the cyber stuff on my computer he just walked out and didn't wallop me however he did comment that he should smash me in the face, he didn't do it. Actually funnily enough that was the least nastiest break up we've had and he didn't send his usual nasty texts or leave nasty phone messages.

I saw him tonite and he was in Dr Jekyl mode and being nice to me and even gave me a choice of 3 activities for the evening so maybe something got through from what I said during the argument last nite. Mind he didn't go out drinking today.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to walk away however if things continue to be so unstable then I'll have to make myself do it.

As for the SA its something I've been working on intermittently last few years making small progress, main problem is lack of social contact in the first place to practice the cognitive things that I have learnt. So from the perspective that he don't encourage me to have friends and much outside interests then he's not helping me with my SA problems. It also makes me worse thinking like when I meet his friends that he's told me he's slagged me off to them previously so that makes me more paranoid and SA than I'd normally be.

Does everyone think that I'm best off out of it or anyone think there's any chance of me sorting it out somehow?