Long Distance, Valentine's Day, friends vs. gf!?

[kb97]

Hi everyone-

So, It seems that I'm often getting into fights with my boyfriend, and we can never come to an agreement with things. I have a history of being a jealous person- I realize this, and I am trying to overcome that and be more relaxed. I would say that is my biggest fault in the relationship, and is part of the cause of a few good arguments. However, on his end I would like if he treated me more like his love, and number one person in his life.

We graduated from the same college last May, now we live 5 hours apart. We visit each other on the weekends, usually with 2-3 weeks in between. He just told me that on Valentine's Day (also President's weekend-Monday holiday) he will be going away for the weekend with all of his guy college friends. This upset me because, a. I told him I would come visit him for that weekend to spend valentine's day with him. and b. he talks about planning trips with his friends every long weekend. I feel that long weekends should be ours, since he lives around his friends and can see them whenever he wants. If we have to travel 5 hours to see each other, we need as many days as we can get. Also, he works Mon-Fri. (will have that monday off) I work Tues-Sat. Most of the time I end up having to take days off from work-Saturdays. If he had Monday off, I would want to spend that with him since I always have Mondays off.

Bottom line-I feel like he should be more excited about spending Valentine's day and a long weekend with his serious long distance gf rather than going on a trip with a bunch of his college guy friends that he can see any time. I know he loves me, but I often get so angry, sad, and self conscious feeling that he doesn't love me as much as I love him, and I wonder if breaking up with him would make him happy or make him appreciate me more.

[Chillie]

I can understand why your feeling the way you are. I know in your shoes I would not be happy either. What ever you do though don't start playing games with him as you may not like the out come.

Take the time you have right now on your own and ask yourself if it is all worth it. Put aside his feelings and focus on yours. Then take a night and focus on his feelings and how he might be feeling as well. Then call him and talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel without breaking down. Be honest and up front but make sure your ready and able to walk away from him when you pick up the phone.

It sounds to me like he is taking you for granted, or truly does not grasp why you feel the way you do.

I know how hard it is I just ended a 1 year relationship lastnight. Like 3 days from what would have been our first Annaversery but I knew I had to do it. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Your young and you will get past your insecurities. At least you admit you have insecurities. Now the best thing you can do is be true to you. Be with someome that wants to be with you.

[lesa]

First, don’t break up just to make up. That’s not cool. That’s the action of dramatic people.

Second, never put more into the relationship than what you are receiving. If you do, things like this can happen. You end up resenting each other. It’s not his fault that you desire him more than he desires you. Keep yourself busy and continue your personal free without him just like he is. Don’t expect he should behave a certain way toward you.

Third, he may not be as into you as you are in him.

Fourth, don’t expect him to change. You either accept him as is and quit the drama, compromise a little, or break up for good.

Fifth, continue to act jealous or dramatic and he may eventually become tired of continuing the free time that he does spend with you.

[alason]

Evelyn and Adam here (hoping that you'll return the favor and give us some advice too!)!

We speak from experience... long distance relationships are difficult. You end up constantly weighing the pros and cons--is it worth it to stay together when you're not really together? Which one hurts less: rarely seeing each other? or breaking up (and taking comfort in booze and fun, meaningless sex)?

We really hope you work this out. But we also think that this is causing a real drain on your life and emotions. And because long-distance relationships always call into question the idea of a long term relationship (is it worth it to stay together? Essentially--do we have a serious future together?), we think that you need to reassess the significance of your being together. We don't know how to put this any more delicately. But. There are other fish in the sea. good luck
~Adam and Evelyn

[Lite]

Sounds like you need to make your expectations and desires known to him, as well as express your disappointment to him. If he doesn't seem to care that you're disappointed, then I would reassess exactly how serious you believe he takes your relationship.

[indian_bull]

dear its very common problem. and it have a simple solution. and remember all simple things are very difficult to do.
any way the reason for this is your expectation. it is said that expectation is the mother of all sorrow. the less you expect the less u feel bad. the more you expect the more chance of feeling bad is there. so all you need to do that just do not expect anything from him, but just do ur work which is to give love and affection and everything you want to give him as ur lover. he will realise if he really loves you. and there will be a time when he will only be with you. and if he dont come to you , that means he never loved you. so you will get your answer. hope it will help you.
cheers and be brave.

[kb97]

thank you guys for your responses, you put some things into words better than i could! YES, i feel like he doesnt empathize with me, and understand why this would upset me. I tried to talk to him about it, and he only understood his feelings of wanting to be with allll his friends on this "one time opportunity". and YES, i feel like he does not take me or this relationship seriously. He put off our anniversary in December too, and I'm still waiting to celebrate that. He doesn't give me "gifts", I don't mean the expensive kind, I mean the thoughtful kind. I'm starting to just get resentful.