First poem--Help me out!

[LanceB]

Hey guys and gals. This is so awesome--just what I was looking for! I want to know if you guys can look over my poem and tell me any adjustments I could make, and if anyone has any suggestions. I know I don't need to do too much, but I just want it to be perfect for her. This valentines day, my first with someone special, I have absolutely no money and it is impossible for me to buy her anything, so I've decided to make something worth more than any material object. My best shot at a physical manifestation of my feelings for her. Please help me out!!

I love everything about you
Your strengths, weaknesses.
If faults cannot be loved,
Your perfection is not deserved.

Your eyes capture me.
Their gaze falls on mine, and I am bound.
Ensnared in a blissful moment from which I never wish liberation.
Never knowing when they will release me,
Never caring

I'd do anything to make you smile.
I provoke it when I can,
Because every little smile that spreads across your face,
No matter how subtle,
Means the world to me.

I think about you in the morning,
When I open my eyes.
Awaking from a fictitious world,
The cold feeling of reality sets in.
A reality where you are not always beside me
Though always on my mind and in my heart.
So until I can hold you in my arms again
I close my eyes, and dream of you.

Never has anyone had such power over me.
I am independent, with the exception of you.
I could own the world, and give it up in an instant,
If it would make you happy.
This power is not confining,
But rather it is liberating.
Knowing that if I live for you—no matter the circumstance,
You are there to catch me when I fall.

What I feel for you is indescribable.
And for eternity it shall remain ineffable.
For it is too pure to escape human lips,
And to enter human ears.
Worthy only of souls to share.

I need your touch
The sound of your breath on my neck
Your warm lips on my cheek
Your soft fingertips on my skin
Your soothing voice in my ear
I need you
I love you

[doppelgaenger]

This is not a bad poem, dude.

I think the main problem in the poem though, is that it is too broad. The character is basically confessing his/her undying love for someone, and love is such a powerful thing that it can't be reduced to even the most descriptive poem.

To make a more successful poem, you might take a line, or maybe even a whole stanza, and just expand on that particular idea. For example, the third stanza about smiles, which I think has an original taste.

In conclusion, what I believe you've posted here, is the start of many different poems.

[angel50]

hi doppel. can you also critique mine? it's not necessarily a poem but just an expression of what i feel. thanks!