I need some advice

[onemanband]

My wife is a real bore. She makes love like a robot. We've been married for five years, but she has never once initiated sex. I always have to do it. It's all thanks to me that we have a sex life at all. All she does is lies down and spreads her legs. After we got married, my wife gained weight, like most women do. I am lucky she isn't that fat, otherwise I would never want to sleep with her. But I am always staring at other women. My wife has no fantasies. She is so naive about sex, she has no desires. How do you deal with someone like that?

I have actually confessed this on a confession website but i thought i can also get some advice from loveforum as well. Thanks

[sfalexi]

Out of curiousity, did you know this sexual (or lack of) side of her before you married? Did you know this was how she liked sex before you got married? Cause it sounds like you're not really sexually compatible with each other, in which case I'm wondering why you would have gotten married without addressing the issue beforehand.

Alexi

[onemanband]

Sex wasn't dull as it is now when we were flirting. Things changed dramatically after the second year of our marriage.

[sfalexi]

I'm going to assume that you've talked to her about (which should be the number one thing in the first place). There's always marriage counselors (I'm sure some specialize in that sensative 'sex' issue), there's always just making it extra special one night. See if you can rekindle it. Fancy dinner, a show, fancy hotel room, etc. Spark it up instead of just waiting till the end of the normal day and wanting it. You can always try to change things up with a little kinkiness. Rent a porn and watch it with her and see if you guys see anything you'd like to try. Ask her how SHE wants it and fulfill some sort of fantasy for her (even if you have to wear lots of heavy gold chains and yell out, "I PITY THE FOOL!" during orgasm. Hey, you never know what her fantasy might be . . . ) Try taking a day trip (maybe on that special night out) and making a sex-shop visit one of the things on the list. Just to see what's out there. Buy some freaky wierd guy lingerie and see how she reacts when you jump out of the bathroom in a leopard thong with nipple clip-on rings and a chain attaching them to each other.

Basically, do whatever you can to make it different from "everyday" sex. Maybe it's just too dull and mundane and predictable for her. I've heard that women like to be stimulated mentally JUST as much (if not physically). So start doing things to change the way she thinks about it. Maybe you can get her to think from a "before we go to sleep" chore on any random day of the week, to "OH MY GOD! I did NOT expect this . . . . I didn't know he had it in him . . . and I like it . . . ."

Hey, it's worth a shot right?

But if you HAVEN'T (which I assume by now you HAVE), talk it over. Get her reason.

Alexi

[jslaughter]

Alexi is right . . . the first step is talking to her. I would try to avoid pinning the whole problem on her as that might make her defensive - I would instead approach it from the angle that you want to make your sex life better and more satisfying for both of you.

And again as Alexi said - try a "romantic weekend" somewhere new and different. Introduce some new elements that might help her feel sexy - Honey Dust, Bath Oils, Lotions, whatever it takes.

Give her the benfit of the doubt - she's not a mind reader, she may have desires that she hasn't told you about but the doors to this kind of communication may not be opened yet. Make sure they are before you close the door on your marriage.

[JANET]

i think you need to sit down with her and tell her the things you like and then hear her side of the story role play she could be the student and teach her maybe she dont know how to start and thats where you need to come in and put your foot down and say hey baby lets try something new where you actually initiate the sex this time and i will guide you.