Trying to keep from beng hurt

[obsidian8731]

ok this is my first post ever so bear with me. Heres my issue.
About 2 1/2 yrs ago i met this guy, we'll call Fred, (thru mutual friends)that is 9 yrs younger then me, I was 29 he was 20. We started to have sex a few months after we met with the understanding that we were not gong to date just be F buddy's.But we hung out every day. We did this for almost a year then he tried to get back with his ex and we didnt really speak for three mnths, when that didnt wrk out he started hanging out with me and our friends again. Then I met a new guy and dated him for 10months and we didnt hang out as often but he would still call and we'd see each other as friends. While i was with the new guy ALL our mutual friends would tell me that Fred loves me. Now i broke up with the new guy 3 months ago and started to hang out with Fred again. Fred pretty much took up where we left off, hanging out everyday, calling me, ect.. Now when Fred and i are together we act just like friends, no mushy stuff but we just happen to have sex once or twice a week(but it is more like making love then f@cking). So my question is should i believe our friends when they tell me he loves me (he's never expressed any such feelings) but sometimes (rarely) he acts like he does. Or should i still go by our discussion that was 2yrs ago that we arent going to be in a relationship

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my ****ing God.

Okay, first off, who made the FWB rule, you or Fred? That's important. Also important is Dan Savage's campsite law, which states that when you date someone much younger than yourself, you have an obligation to leave that person in at least as good a shape as you found them. You've been spending plenty of leisure time at Camp Fred. Has it occurred to you that Fred might also be in danger of getting hurt?

I see both of you acting emotionally irresponsible, but since YOU are the one with 9 more years on you, you should be taking the lead, here. You need to be a lot more clear with Fred.

[obsidian8731]

at first nothing it was an unspoken agreement, and yes we both knew, then about a month or two after he come back from trying to reconcile with his ex. We went out and he made the statement "I'm not trying to be your man" i said good cause im not trying to be your girl. This was awhile ago. recently I tried to ask him if he loved me but he did not say yes or no he just changed the subject. While i was with the new guy, Fred wasnt seeing anyone and as soon as i broke up with him Fred came right back. So what should i do?

[ThatGuy]

Just ask him where you two stand and what he wants out of the current situation. Most guys don't play mind games and his answer should be pretty straight forward.

[CAM]

9 years is too big a difference here. You are dating a man that young for control and you've succeeded in doing what you intended (consciously or not). You know what I mean.

[obsidian8731]

Trust me there is no control here, me over him or him over me. We each do what we want, we just chose to do it together... And everytime I bring anything up anything about the two of us he quickly changes the subject without answering the question. He refuses to speak of it.And yet everyday day he calls after work to come hang out. And I'm not saying to have sex .. we literally hang out as friends its more on the weekends that we become lovers and during the week we're friends.. So what do i do if he refuses to talk about it. In all actuality this is the best working "relationship" that i've ever had. There is no dishonesty, distrust or deceit. The only thing it's lacking is a label. And I know all about the age difference but if 2 people get along so well and both over age why should it matter? I dont know if i'm immature or he's mature (a little of both probrably) but we mesh well

[carl1222]

Right now, your relationship has a label ... Friends with Benefits.

Are you looking for more? Are you afraid he is looking for more? I'm not sure I understand your concern.

Carl.

[obsidian8731]

My concern is that everyone is telling me he loves me and its making me look at him diffrently. Sometims i see it sometimes i don't. It was all fine until i heard that, So from what u read do you think he's in love with me?

[Gigabitch]

I think the fact that you would ask anyone but Fred that question is a huge problem.

You're only fooling yourself with that whole "no deception" line.

[Mish]

And everytime I bring anything up anything about the two of us he quickly changes the subject without answering the question.

I think the above is very indicative about his stance on the issue. It probably doesn't hurt to ask, just be ready for that other answer.

[idoubtit]

you might have to think about some more serious questions like if you still wanna have kids in the future and if you do want, when your young bf would be ready to take the responsibility.

Women who give birth to babies after they are 35 year old have high risk of having mutant babies.

[misombra]

don't listen to your friends. they'll tell you what you want to hear.

he probably does love you, but it's probably because you deal with a lot more shit that girls his age would. like hanging with him and giving it up to him after he went back with his ex (how many times?)

[obsidian8731]

He's left once and i've left once so we're even on that. I may be about control but i doubt it. We are to evenly matched