Help - Relationship has stalled and is quickly regressing

[ThatGuy]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to the forum and found the site by searching for answers. Any and all suggestions would be awesome because I feel stuck and really want to make things work.

Background: Both my girlfriend and I are approaching 30, both divorced and she has a 7 year old. We have been dating for a little over 2 years. We are both gainfully employed, successful and own our own homes. Little issues began about a year ago and now it seems as though our relationship has completely stalled.

I met my girlfriend a little over 2 years ago and we began dating fairly seriously almost immediately. We had both ended our previous marriages a few years prior to our meeting and were in good places in our lives to begin a serious relationship. I was initially drawn to her drive, intelligence and beauty. For the first year, everything was great. We had nights out, talked about our goals and ambitions, laughed (a lot) and the sex life was incredible.

The beginning of the second year of our relationship brought countless changes. I left my previous job to start a small business, she bought a house, started a business, started a non-profit foundation and her child started kindergarten. It has taken roughly a full year for my business to start to turn a profit which has caused my stress levels to be through the roof. Her day job is very demanding due to the current economy and her multiple additional projects have also been very stressful on her. When her child started school she changed the visitation arrangements with her ex so that her child only sees her ex every other weekend and for a few hours a night once a week. This was done to keep some consistency in her child’s life during the first few years of school. I would like to think that I have a good relationship with her child as we hang out quite a bit.

It was at the beginning of the second year of our relationship that I started to notice changes. We have gone from being a dating couple to being business partners. We would send each other the cute little text messages through out the day, now it seems that it is just a cordial formality in the morning to say good morning and ask how the day is going later in the day. We would have fun conversations that were great and now our talks feel out of place outside of the conference room. Like I said, business partners. I thought that our sex life was great. Weekends were spent half dressed at most. Now it only happens when her child is spending the weekend with her ex and she seems to be involved physically, but mentally very distant. Within a few months of the changes beginning, I brought up the fact that I noticed the change and we have spoken about this now every few months for the past year. The talks have increased in both frequency and intensity over the past two months. With all of the talks that we have had, not much has changed aside from our frustrations. Starting at the beginning of the month we have been having a date night on the one night a week her child sees her ex but that only lasts an hour and a half before she needs to get home before her ex gets to her house. It has been going well, but it’s only been 2 weeks.

I know that our stress levels will either diminish or we will become better at dealing with the stress. She has admitted that she has noticed her lowered libido and is trying to get help with that although I have a feeling that it is psychological and not hormonal. I think one of the reasons for the decrease in sex is that her child is a light sleeper and we were caught a few times during the first year. One solution to the problem that was brought up by her is that it would increase if we were married and not dating. I am sure that it would partially increase, but although I can see myself with her, I will not pop the question until our issues have been resolved. I know from experience that rings don’t solve problems.

So here I am, asking for some suggestions on how to stoke the fire. How can I keep the friendship that we have grown yet get the woman I originally fell in love with back. If I could have them both I wouldn’t be here, would instead be planning a wedding.

Thanks.

[IndiReloaded]

Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase. You've been married before, so you must know about this?

Set a date night just for the two of you. I cannot stress the importance of alone, couple-only time. Especially when you have kids.

Oh, and problem-solving during date-night is a no-no. This is fun-only. Set a different time aside for resolving relationship issues.

[Gigabitch]

Heh. I've been busted having sex by my daughter before (not visually, she just pounded on the wall. We thought she was asleep!) I have to say, it didn't stop me. I just got sneakier.

Your girlfriend needs to get her ass to the gym. Seriously. She's getting all dragged out and feeling like shit from exhaustion.

That crap about how it might be better if you were married is just pure bullshit, though. NOBODY has a stronger sex drive after they get married.

[vashti]

My kids catching me would be a mood killer for sure.

[Junket]

We have thin walls, and the bed creaks when things get hot.

I think we've only ever had loud sex once this past year when everyone was out of the apartment.

We've thought about renting a hotel room and going at it there.

[vashti]

We have thin walls, and the bed creaks when things get hot.

I think we've only ever had loud sex once this past year when everyone was out of the apartment.

We've thought about renting a hotel room and going at it there.

Just line your common walls with cork for sound proofing.

[doppelgaenger]

Does the headboard applaud your performance, Frasbee?

[Junket]

Does the headboard applaud your performance, Frasbee?

Ugh, we moved it away from the wall but it's a metal frame, so it squeaks, and I think it's off balance because one of the legs comes up and taps the wood floor. I think we need to flip the mattress, tighten the screws, oil it, and maybe then it will be good to go.

[ThatGuy]

Thanks for all the comments. I like the idea of her getting back into the gym, not because she needs it appearance wise, but I know how I feel when I have a good work out routine going and it always seems to take a bunch of the stress away.

I can understand that the honeymoon period could have ended, but this was not a gradual drop, much more like quitting cold chicken. When we first started dating I felt that I had met my sexual equal and now I feel like I am dating a celibate. I know the once we are married thing is a bs excuse, my ex told me that and once we were married all I heard was "we're married, we don't do that anymore".

Valentine's day pretty much sucked like the past 2 that I have had with her. Her ex never has their kid on that "holiday" so that means that having an adult evening is out of the question. I tried to make a nice supper that I knew her kid hadn't had before just to get to watch her kid bitch and moan that he doesn't like lobster. I ended the night early and worked for a few hours, at least I can bill some people for the work I did and I got something out of the night. The part the pisses me off the most about the complaining over the food is that this isn't the first time this has happened. Knock out a meal and her kid eats part of it before claiming he is full, he scrapes his plate then tells his mom that he wants a snack. I know this could just be a kid being a kid but wow. We even tried to dance for a single song on saturday just to be interrupted by her kid lying on the floor in between us. I think the disrespect needs to end pretty quick.

I'm really getting frustrated and it's getting to the point where I may choose to only see her on nights when her kid is with her ex.

[ThatGuy]

BTW Indi: We do have a date night. Dance lessons every Tuesday night for the hour and 45 minutes her kid is with her ex then she is back home before her ex gets there.

[IndiReloaded]

1.25 hours one night a week w/the stress of having to hurry home isn't what I consider "date night". I could perhaps understand if her child was an infant, but 7 years old is old enough to go out for a decent evening with a trusted sitter.

Family nearby? Can they help?

If finances are an issue, you should spring for that sitter and get a decent night out. My husband & I even do afternoons where we go for a walk/hike and coffee. Do this, it matters.

BTW, your comments suggest you are resenting 'her kid'. Its not his fault. YOU are the adults, figure something out. Preparing a lobster dinner for her & her son was a recipe for disaster. Date smarter, not harder.

And no way are you ready to get married to this gal. Marriage will not fix your problems, believe it.

[vashti]

Valentine's day pretty much sucked like the past 2 that I have had with her. Her ex never has their kid on that "holiday" so that means that having an adult evening is out of the question. I tried to make a nice supper that I knew her kid hadn't had before just to get to watch her kid bitch and moan that he doesn't like lobster. I ended the night early and worked for a few hours, at least I can bill some people for the work I did and I got something out of the night. The part the pisses me off the most about the complaining over the food is that this isn't the first time this has happened. Knock out a meal and her kid eats part of it before claiming he is full, he scrapes his plate then tells his mom that he wants a snack. I know this could just be a kid being a kid but wow. We even tried to dance for a single song on saturday just to be interrupted by her kid lying on the floor in between us. I think the disrespect needs to end pretty quick. .

I think it is very clear that you don't understand NORMAL childhood behavior, and your expectations are completely out of line. A mother is the first true love of a little boy, and they compete - even with their fathers - for their mother's love and attention. YOU are the outsider here. It would be in everone's best interest if you understood that. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times my kids inserted themselves in between my husband and I when they were little. We laughed, and they outgrew it.

I also don't know why anyone would expect a kid to eat lobster. Let them try it? Sure. The fact that he ate even part of it implies good effort and "respect" on his part. If you were taking HIS needs for respect into consideration, you would have thanked him for trying it, and offered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I'm really getting frustrated and it's getting to the point where I may choose to only see her on nights when her kid is with her ex.

Yeah, good plan. Honestly, if I were this kid's mom, I'd be worried about you. This could explain her waning interest in sex. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who demonstrated this kind of subtle hostility towards my kid. You are expecting this woman to act like a carefree girl when dating you, and she's not. She is someone's mother, and that is (and should be) her priority.

[ThatGuy]

Indi: Yes we both have family nearby and its not a finance problem. We have made plans in the past during times when her son was with her and it has been my responsibility to ask my family to watch him as she doesn't want to be a burden to her family and admittedly does not trust anyone to watch him.
I don't resent him, I guess I was just brought up a different way. He is a really good and intelligent kid, just likes to see how far he can go with things. I agree that the lobster thing was probably a bit much, but he does really like crab so I thought I would give it a shot.

Vashti: I know there have been psychological studies that prove that boys compete with father for their mother's attention, this is normal. I guess I just don't know how best to deal with it. I am not intentionally being hostile towards him. I started dating his mom and fell into a potential stepdad role which is a new thing for me. I'm inexperienced when it comes to that part of a relationship. I grew up in his position and just need to learn to be a little more patient and understanding of it.