Very difficult situation to deal with

[justme78783]

hey people !

I had decided be4 not to post anything about myself , but since i am a type that keeps everything for himself and does not express his problems to the people close to him , i believe that your help would be of such importance to me !!!

Anywayz heres my case : I am a 20 years old student and an upcoming (trance producer/dj ) that has some really really self esteem problems !


My problem is that i am a very sensitive/complex guy , and when i was younger i had 2-3 rejections that marked my whole life ! And this not due to my appearance but due to the fact that i was an emmigrant in the country i live ( greece ) , unfortunately greece is a country that was ( and to a certainf degree still is) rasict !

Sorry if i am kinda confusing , but my case is very confusing too :/ ! In a few worlds due to this i ve had a very traumatical childhood which made me have some huge self esteem problems , and made me live a very stresful and painful childhood !

The problem now is that everythng has changed except my self esteem ! And there is a girl that i really really like and has given me some very good signs that likes me too ! For the moment we are friends , but i want to propose her to be my girlfriend , but I cant, i am afraid , i am afraid of the rejection !!!

I cannot overpass this fear !

The tragic irony here is that i am a very good looking person


Pls guys i would apreciate so much if you could tell me what would you do if you were me !!! how can i overpass my fears and make the next step ?

Thank you,

P.S i really need your help , this is the first time i am telling to others things about myself or about my problems ! Thank you .

[Cain]

There's no magical cure. The best way to overcome your fear is by just getting over your fear of approach. I wouldn't recommend approaching her yet if you're still fearful. Otherwise she might sense it and it might not go over well.

My suggestion would be to go to a few clubs. You probably go to them anyways since you aspire to be a DJ. Your goal isn't to find a girlfriend there. Your goal is to get over your fear of approach. Walk up to a group of people and just start conversation. Stay with them for 5-10 minutes and then head to another group. Continue that. Approach 10 groups per night. If you can do this then you'll start to lose the fear of approach because you've already had the fear come out over and over again.

[justme78783]

There's no magical cure. The best way to overcome your fear is by just getting over your fear of approach. I wouldn't recommend approaching her yet if you're still fearful. Otherwise she might sense it and it might not go over well.

My suggestion would be to go to a few clubs. You probably go to them anyways since you aspire to be a DJ. Your goal isn't to find a girlfriend there. Your goal is to get over your fear of approach. Walk up to a group of people and just start conversation. Stay with them for 5-10 minutes and then head to another group. Continue that. Approach 10 groups per night. If you can do this then you'll start to lose the fear of approach because you've already had the fear come out over and over again.

Thank you so much for your advice Cain ! But the problem with this girls is not the aproach my friend , i know her very well and she knows me very well , we hang out almost every day , and when i go in a club with here there is a lot of contact (physical) , kisses , naughty quotes etc .

She has shown me that she diggs me ( did i say it right ? ) , i am almost certain , i am just too coward due to the reason said above to make the next step .

As for the appoach part i am almost as normal as a normal person .

[IndiReloaded]

Dude, the only way to overcome fear is to do something enough until it is no longer scary. And the only way to do something is to--just do it.

Remember: she's NOT your girlfriend. Just a girl. You can't lose what was never yours to begin with (i.e. she's not yours--yet). So, if she rejects you, fine, nothing lost. But if she says yes, then you've gained both her and made steps to getting over your fear of rejection.

Hope this helps. Get off the computer now and ask her out. Good luck.

[carl1222]

Dude, the only way to overcome fear is to do something enough until it is no longer scary. And the only way to do something is to--just do it.

Remember: she's NOT your girlfriend. Just a girl. You can't lose what was never yours to begin with (i.e. she's not yours--yet). So, if she rejects you, fine, nothing lost. But if she says yes, then you've gained both her and made steps to getting over your fear of rejection.

Hope this helps. Get off the computer now and ask her out. Good luck.

I find it helpful to ASSUME rejection yet ACT as if you are going to be successful ... then, as Indi said, nothing is lost.

Carl.

[swargolet]

Maybe you can suggest it subtly if you are that scared. It isnt a good way of doing it but it might be the best way with your case. If you guys are as close as you say then it is likely that someone will or already has asked you guys if you are dating. Well if it happens again look to her and be like "I dont know what we'd call it" and she might very well say ya we are.

Like I said, this is a horrible way to do it, but it is a step forwards and really if she doesnt say "yes we are dating" then it doesnt mean rejection.

[Cain]

Maybe you can suggest it subtly if you are that scared. It isnt a good way of doing it but it might be the best way with your case. If you guys are as close as you say then it is likely that someone will or already has asked you guys if you are dating. Well if it happens again look to her and be like "I dont know what we'd call it" and she might very well say ya we are.

Like I said, this is a horrible way to do it, but it is a step forwards and really if she doesnt say "yes we are dating" then it doesnt mean rejection.

I think this could actually have a negative reaction.

[IndiReloaded]

I think this could actually have a negative reaction.

I agree. 'Horned like a bull and balls to match' for dating these days, I think.

[swargolet]

I did say it was a horrible way to do it but I dont think he is ready to just charge into it like a bull.

Also others suggested that he should get some practice first before asking this girl. Well how is he supposed to practice? The problem isnt the approach it is asking since he is scared of rejection. You cant really ask a random girl at a club if they want to be his gf as it is completely different, he doesnt have the same feelings for that girl, and what if the girl at the club for some reason said yes? Then what?

Yes the best thing for him is to just ask her and not worry about the consequences. I think the longer you wait the less chance there is she'll say yes.

[justme78783]

Dude, the only way to overcome fear is to do something enough until it is no longer scary. And the only way to do something is to--just do it.

Remember: she's NOT your girlfriend. Just a girl. You can't lose what was never yours to begin with (i.e. she's not yours--yet). So, if she rejects you, fine, nothing lost. But if she says yes, then you've gained both her and made steps to getting over your fear of rejection.

Hope this helps. Get off the computer now and ask her out. Good luck.

Thanx for your advice buddy ! Yes of course it helps . I might just do that . Though it will need a tremendous effort on my behalf to do that ! You see , i ve chosen the last 2-3 years to give the image of a distant person sometimes giving the impression of an aloof one and shy , just because of this fear , the fear of rejection ! I ve developed a phobia i am afraid , and i think it will not be that easy for me to overpass this . I am on a good track though as i slowly find my true personality and not the one i had invented due to the reason said in the first post .

[justme78783]

Maybe you can suggest it subtly if you are that scared. It isnt a good way of doing it but it might be the best way with your case. If you guys are as close as you say then it is likely that someone will or already has asked you guys if you are dating. Well if it happens again look to her and be like "I dont know what we'd call it" and she might very well say ya we are.

Like I said, this is a horrible way to do it, but it is a step forwards and really if she doesnt say "yes we are dating" then it doesnt mean rejection.

Thanx for your advice swarloget . I do understand what is the main point of your advice , and that is to make some slow but steady steps in creating the idea of us together and that way wont need a huge effort for me . But no unfortunately based on my circumstances this is not the case here .

How can i say it , we are so close that the only step left is the one where the one tell to the other about his feelings . But this is what i cannot do .

You see sometimes you get traumatized psycholigcally that bad , that somethign that to others looks so simple in fact to you is a 'mission imposible ' :/ !

Anywayz , thank you for your advice , it is really very helpful talking with you guys , cause sometimes only the fact that you are telling your poblem to other people that want to give you an advice to help , makes you really fell better .