Do you want to stop the hurt?

[swargolet]

I'm writing this for 2 reasons. 1. Many of the people coming to this part of the forum are hurting and are looking for ways to ease the hurt and I'm hoping this can help, and 2. I am writing this for myself almost as something that can keep me on track in what i'm personally doing to try and ease my pain.

To start off, you CANNOT instantly stop the hurt caused from a break-up. It is like a broken bone. If you break a bone it will take a long time for it to heal. You can do things to make it heal faster such as going to the doctors and getting a cast and making sure you aren't putting excess stress on the bone, but it will not instantly heal.

Like any major problem the first step is realizing that you have a problem and this one is seeing that it isn't possible to magically stop the pain. Once this sinks into your head then you will stop all the other little "treatments" you were doing before that were probably making it worse. Some of these "treatments" include having long talks with your ex, trying to spend time with them, "spying" on your ex to see what they are up to, etc... I know that many people do this after a break-up and I have done some of this. It feels like it is the best thing but you will soon realize it isn't and the sooner you realize this the better. Now you should see a common theme in those 3 things I listed. They all involve your ex. This is the biggest yet hardest step in stopping the pain, cut ALL contact with your ex. I know you feel like you have to talk to them or see them and the urge to do so is strong but look back at when you did. You felt great when you were with them but sometime after they left you sort of snapped back into reality and realized that you guys were still broken up and you start to feel horrible again and probably worse. This should be a sign staring you in the face that it is not the right thing to do. The thing pushing you is those small moments that feel good when you are with them but this is similar to taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
If you feel like you HAVE to talk to get some type of closure or have some questions answer then OK have one long talk and that is all but you have to remember that many times you will hear things that you dont want to hear, it might also open up a whole new bag of questions you want answered. If you have this one big talk then make sure it is the last one. Cutting contact is the main priority here. You will see that after about 3 days of no contact you will feel a lot better. 3 days of no contact was the same amount of progress as 3 weeks of contact for me.
Also make sure to follow the no contact rule. If you follow it for 1 month then go back talk to them or get physical with them it is likely that you will be pushed right back to when you broke-up.

Although direct contact is the first thing you will think about when cutting contact, you should also cut indirect contact. Remove things that remind you of your ex. Remove pictures of them, try to avoid situations that remind you of them, maybe rearrange your room to change things up, if you guys had a song DONT listen to it. Erase his/her number from your phone (cbrider), also remove any possible ringtone/pictures that you had for them. Hopefully you are now understanding the whole cutting contact concept.

Now since it is so hard to cut contact with an ex you will need things to help your do this. I found that the best things were friends. Get out and hang out with friends, dont sit in your room alone replaying events in your head. You want to get out and clear you head have some fun dont worry about the break-up. If possible stay at a friends for a few days. Also get out on your own, join some school clubs, go to school/town events, go to a club, meet new people. One of the best things you can do is pick up a sport or go the the gym. Exercise a great thing to do during a break-up. It gets your mind off the break-up, it makes you feel better (physically and mentally), also you will get into shape!!

Another huge step in stopping the pain is realizing that you guys will not get back together. You need to stop making false claims such as "O when s/he sees how much she misses me s/he will come back". These are all false hopes and it will just prolong the pain.

All this above is similar to not putting stress on a broken bone as it could cause it to break again or heal slower.

Now what represents the cast that the doctor put on your arm to help the bone heal? Well a couple things could represent that. The most obvious is a counselor. Go to a counselor and talk to them about it all, they are always a great to talk to and no it is not weird/wrong at all.
Also other friends or family members that you can talk to are also similar to a cast. They help support you through these hard times and give you advice and positive encouragement to help you heal faster.

Lastly realize that like a broken bone, a broken relationship will take time to heal. The time varies for each person, but just give it time and it WILL heal.

Well I'm hoping this can all help. It would've been more thought out and thorough but I'm extremely tired right now. I will most likely read it tomorrow and edit it. Others are willing to add their thoughts about what I wrote if you agree or disagree or maybe some other things to help people in pain out.

[Cbrider]

Erase his or her number, its a hell of a lot easier to look at your phone when a number comes in without a name.

[MisterFlapJack]

Thanks for writing this. I agree with this. Just let it die.

I made a big mistake by keeping contact with an ex. After each phone call, I remembered how much I missed her and I lost all the progress I made in trying to forget about her. Well today is the day I erase her from my head and forget about her. It's going to be hard, but it's the best option.

[elizabeth101]

I am in a phase of not contacting my ex, you know the urge of doing it is just too much to handle. but still i had this thought that maybe if i give him so much space then he will miss me but this is just a hope, i prefer to keep it. for now i just have the fate and teh destiny. i do love him very much but i know u cant just force someone to love you back when they don't feel it anymore. i did cry for everyday when we had to accept that it was over. when i made the decision and heard all the people saying avoid contact 100 %, it just helped me alot. I did not cry for days , wake up in a good mood, slept well since then. but i will not deny there are some point that you just want to be alone and think back. but it is pointless. he still sends me mail not everyday and always wishes me all the best and for me to take care of myself. there are some who said that you should not stop the communication at all you have to talk to each other. with this you might ignite the feeling in some way or another. you think this willl help. i didnot reply to his maill though I want him to know i am doing very good and there are too many things that has happened to me since we go separate ways. but i said not to write any at all, becuase if i do i know i will end up telling my emotions again and it will just piss him off. i am stil confused.

[swargolet]

I would write back a simple response saying you are doing fine and then politely ask him to stop writing you. I know you will be tempted to write the letter in such a way to try and make him jealous like saying "I'm getting out and meeting a lot of new guys" but dont do this! Keep it short simple and to the point. The main reason to write back is to inform him to stop writing you.

Dont try to ignite the feelings back up because if for some odd chance some small feelings do ignite up and you do get back together, the feelings will most likely fade quickly and you'd break-up again thus pushing you right back to then beginning.

It is perfectly natural to have times when you are feeling down and you just start thinking about them. What you should start to see though is that these moments should become less and less as time goes on. Also if you start to think of them try and distract yourself by doing something else. I'm a guy and like video games so I start up a game that takes my attention away. You do something that will do the same.

It is good to hear that you have cut contact, this is a MAJOR step forward. You are doing all the right things.

[elizabeth101]

thanks for the comment. I still love him you know. But yet i know i have to control and fight over my emotions otherwise I won't be able to move on. I still have hopes that everything will turn as what I wanted, but my life does not stop there. Life goes on with or without him. Do you believe in fate/destiny. They said if it is meant to be, it is up to me!!!

[fairymiss]

One thing a friend told me is that, one really needs to forgive "completely" and forget about everything.. the pains and the regrets.. bcoz you cannot move on if you still have so much bitterness in your heart..

It takes courage..

still having faith on a broken relationship makes it hard for a person to move on..

But trusting God that He is preparing someone better for you in the future could help you move on.. someone you deserve and someone who deserves you...

[swargolet]

Yes that is a great way to look at it and way many people do, that you will find someone that will be better for you and who you will be better for.
Thanks for responding with that.