boyfriend upset i want to meet my male friend of 9 years

[olz]

Hi, this is my first time on the forum. My boyfriend and I have had a rough 2 years. We dated for nearly 10 months, and in that time we both made mistakes. After 6 months of dating other people, we decided to put the past behind us. All good in theory, but as you can imagine, the issues keep coming up. If you would like me to go into more detail about this, I could, but to do that would be against what we’re trying to achieve. I have a male friend from highschool that I meet up with every 1-2 years. We did go out once, for a couple of weeks, after highschool finished at the end of 2002. We kissed, didn’t have sex. Every time we’ve met up, it’s been purely platonic, although I often felt the conversation was lacking any true sense of openness. I’ve always wanted to gain closure with this particular person. Last Wednesday me and my boyfriend broke up in a fight, and my friend happened to text me on that day and ask if I wanted to meet up, and I agreed. I would not say that I did it out of anger, more out of a need to keep my own identity, as my boyfriend is one of the only people in my life. Me and my boyfriend got back together the next day. I have cancelled so many times on this friend from high school – one of which times was when I was with this same boyfriend, over a year ago. I had always regretted doing this, just to avoid hurting his feelings. Especially after he had been trying to hook up with girls on the internet, seeing his ex behind my back several times and on the same day, and stealing my dog twice and telling the police it was his dog, and pounding on my windows to get me to listen, and lying to me, frightening me so much that I ended up in hospital twice. I said I wouldn't say it, and I truly do think that it needs to be left behind, because he hasn't done anything like that since, apart from lying a little here and there - but nothing as serious. But just in case you thought it was something else. This time around, I am aware of his feelings, I tend to always feel a lot of guilt and be very caring of others. To him, if I truly cared about his feelings, I would just cancel on this person. To me, this situation is worth the amount of stress that our relationship is going through, because if I didn’t, it would be to go against something I feel I must do. I have no bad intentions, however my boyfriend insists that other guys cannot be trusted, as in the past a lot of my male friends have eventually cracked onto me sooner or later. A couple of my male friends have not, but this doesn’t assure him much. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, but I think we’ve been through a lot and are very fragile at the moment. I am also beginning to learn that I should not sacrifice so much of myself for another person, because then I become unhealthy. Trust should be present in the relationship, and I feel that a positive outcome with this experience might mend it a little. How do I talk to him, without him breaking up with me or being very hurt, or taking out his revenge by doing something similar? What should I do? Am I missing something? I have already offered for him to come along, or drop me off and pick me up, and have asked if having a lunchtime meet-up is better than a dinner, but he says that he doesn't know if that will make a difference or not.

I can provide more information if anyone needs.

Thank you so much for reading.

[The_bobb]

...I have had a rough 2 years... Last Wednesday me and my boyfriend broke up in a fight...he had been trying to hook up with girls on the internet...seeing his ex behind my back several times and on the same day...stealing my dog twice and telling the police it was his dog... pounding on my windows to get me to listen...lying to me...frightening me so much that I ended up in hospital twice...lying a little here and there...my boyfriend insists that other guys cannot be trusted.

How do I talk to him, without him breaking up with me or being very hurt, or taking out his revenge by doing something similar?

Um, why are you with this guy?

He sounds like a complete and total asswipe. And in ANY relationship, you shouldn't have to ask HOW to talk to someone without them breaking up with you, over something as trivial as meeting up with an old friend from school.

How can you not notice how abusive your relationship is?

I am also beginning to learn that I should not sacrifice so much of myself for another person, because then I become unhealthy. Trust should be present in the relationship...

FINALLY something positive in your post... Lets flesh it out some, to, "I'm not going to sacrifice my life to my dillhole off a boyfriend, because then i become some door mat to him, after he's through with me."

Trust SHOULD be present in a relationship, and your boyfriend doesn't have any and from the sound of him, never will.

My advice? Get the hell out before he start beating you or something

[olz]

Um, why are you with this guy?

He sounds like a complete and total asswipe. And in ANY relationship, you shouldn't have to ask HOW to talk to someone without them breaking up with you, over something as trivial as meeting up with an old friend from school.

How can you not notice how abusive your relationship is?



FINALLY something positive in your post... Lets flesh it out some, to, "I'm not going to sacrifice my life to my dillhole off a boyfriend, because then i become some door mat to him, after he's through with me."

Trust SHOULD be present in a relationship, and your boyfriend doesn't have any and from the sound of him, never will.

My advice? Get the hell out before he start beating you or something

Thank you for your response. He did do many awful things in the past, but since we've gotten back together since last september he hasn't done anything like that. What I meant by "doing something similar" was that he might find no reason not to meet with a friend of the opposite sex who I feel uncomfortable about. I guess we both have a lot of trust issues, and we're both overly jealous. This being said, I don't feel completely comfortable, say, when he goes out with his guy friends late at night (he doesn't drink anymore because of the damage he did), which he used to do when he was single and USED TO hook up with lots of girls. But I just grit my teeth and bear it, because I want to trust him, and usually he comes out the other end without having done anything bad, and I don't want to be an unhealthy partner. I would say my trust was dminished in the past by his behavior, but we are working to rebuild it because we love each other. Or at least, that's what it feels like. Truth be told, we're probably just two very ****ed up individuals addicted to unhealthy behavior. Still needing help.

[carl1222]

Although bobb makes some good points, I am not quite ready to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon quite yet as we have only heard one side of the story. Olz ... you do portray him as a bad boyfriend, hence bobb's response. Tell us what is good about him?

Your current relationship is very fragile right now ... precisely not the time to bring old boyfriends into the mix, even with the best of intentions, if you are interested in improving things with your bf.

What are you seeking with your current relationship? To make it stronger, or to bail out?

Carl.

[olz]

And maybe I have issues with boundaries as well. Whenever I have a guy friend I'm often naive about their intentions. I always think I learn, but I never do. So maybe he's just being protective as well. After the first time he stole my dog (the first time we were going out), I was in an awful state. I had grown close to my male friend from work, and he offered to have a cup of tea with me. I didn't want to be alone and I thought it would be okay. But then he came out with his feelings for me and I guess I had feelings for him to. We spent a few days "going out" (no sex), but I still was not over my ex (current boyfriend), and thought that the reason we got together was actually due to my condition after being treated so badly by my ex (I did like him as a person and a friend, but being romantic with him wasn't on my agenda, so I thought it was probably just foolishness that caused me to get together with him). I'm sorry if this sounds silly.

[olz]

Although bobb makes some good points, I am not quite ready to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon quite yet as we have only heard one side of the story. Olz ... you do portray him as a bad boyfriend, hence bobb's response. Tell us what is good about him?

Your current relationship is very fragile right now ... precisely not the time to bring old boyfriends into the mix, even with the best of intentions, if you are interested in improving things with your bf.

What are you seeking with your current relationship? To make it stronger, or to bail out?

Carl.

Thanks Carl.

I want to make things in my current relationship improve. We love each other. But I also want to keep my own identity. Perhaps this is not the best way to go about it, but I always regretted cancelling on this friend last time.

I did not mean to portray him as a bad boyfriend. I guess things are always so up and down with me and him. Good things are that he's dedicated - since his mistakes, he has changed himself not to take his anger out on me. He is trying to be more of a communicator. He does small things just to make me happy. He tries to (or claims that) he puts me first in everything. I guess I'm still figuring out if he's true to his word or not. I guess I'm still insecure about the relationship.

[The_bobb]

I just don't like it... i'll admit i was a little quick to jump to the Dump him stage. But you have to admit, when both people in a relationship are losing trust, you've got a problem. And from what i gathered from your post about your boyfriend he just doesn't seem worth keeping.

You say he's not taking his anger out on you, do you know WHAT he's taking it out on? Because if he's just keeping it bottled up inside, it's going to erupt eventually.

To me, from what i read, the whole situation just seems volatile. You want to keep your identity but you can't without him getting mad.

Also what do you mean "He TRIES (or CLAIMS that)" he puts you first?

[HouseMouse]

This realtionship sounds very distructive. Anyone who steals your dog, is psycho.

[olz]

I just don't like it... i'll admit i was a little quick to jump to the Dump him stage. But you have to admit, when both people in a relationship are losing trust, you've got a problem. And from what i gathered from your post about your boyfriend he just doesn't seem worth keeping.

You say he's not taking his anger out on you, do you know WHAT he's taking it out on? Because if he's just keeping it bottled up inside, it's going to erupt eventually.

To me, from what i read, the whole situation just seems volatile. You want to keep your identity but you can't without him getting mad.

Also what do you mean "He TRIES (or CLAIMS that)" he puts you first?

We both do have a lot of issues with trust, and we recognize it's a problem. But we are trying to rebuild that because we love each other.

He no longer drinks alcohol, which caused some of his actions. He said that the anger he had for his dad is now gone. He used to say that the anger he had for his dad came out on me, but he's forgiven his dad. After we broke up for 6 months, he said sorry for the things that happened, and I felt it.

We are working on communication. When he bottles things up, it makes it worse, and it has come out in him being angry at me. He is working on finding a medium between passive aggressiveness and abuse. I honestly don't know if this stage will happen, but I know that he wants to understand it. He's 21, I'm 23, which could be a reason.

We keep working on things because we feel it makes us grow as people. Could we be wrong? Do I expect too much from him and vise versa?

I just talked to him on the phone and we both want to do the right thing for our relationship and for each other. And he said calmly that it'll have to be my decision (I was suprised at this because it seemed he was giving me permission), and that he doesn't know what it'll do to us. Whether I go and regain some trust in the relationship, or whether I don't go and forfeit a part of myself.

What I meant by "he claims", is that I can't take much of what he says to be true. This is because of the past, but also because he makes promises he doesn't keep. He has cancelled on me so many times for other things, and I do believe he just has a lot in his life, and I try to be understanding because he does spend a lot of time with me, and does seem to want to put me first.

Sometimes I worry that I'm directing this relationship, and that he wants to make me happy but he just can't. Maybe he just wants to make up for mistakes of the past. But for some reason we still love each other, and want to be together, and have fun together.

One thing we have been trying to work out, is the way I assume that he's just trying to control me. He always says that it's just because of the way it makes him feel, but to me, it comes across as controlling rather than caring, rather than "love".

[olz]

This realtionship sounds very distructive. Anyone who steals your dog, is psycho.

Agreed. Agreed.

He no longer does things as bad as that.

Is there hope for us to become healthy?

[GemStar]

I agree that your BF sounds like he could have some problems which I hope don't enter into your life and become YOUR habits. Like they did in the past basically...

But anyhow... Yeah... Like.. I can totally relate to this post because I had a GF before who didn't tell me she already had a boyfriend, lied about her age, didn't tell me she was a crack-cocaine user/addict, what else. Oh, the list goes on and on. I was right at a pivotal age, just turned 18... So this basically gave all women a bad rap in my mind.

It is unfortunate because I know, obviously, not all women are like this but it just messed up my trust. So I can understand not trusting people.... HOWEVER... That lack of trust will destruct the relationship anyway. Or cause problems at least.... What kind of relationship do you even have if you can't trust each other? One that sucks, I would say.

I'm not saying to dump your BF or anything... But I definitely think you're right when you said something about being more independent or whatever you said. You're absolutely right and I am like that-- When I don't have that, I absolutely feel unhealthy. You're pretty perceptive to realize that; A lot of people don't. You seem to have SOME handle on the situation.

I can definitely relate to the "not wanting my girlfriend to see other guys because they're scum" because I actually believe that as well... But, like I said before, I eventually had to swallow my fear or whatever 'cause a relationship without trust is an equation that doesn't work... IMO.