Twisted and Dysfunctional-- and mismatch??

[GemStar]

Hey all-- I'm new here. Not sure if anyone else has had problems in relationships due to dysfunctional issues in the past... But that for sure has been my problem.

As a child, I don't think I learned the correct way to sustain a relationship or whatever so I never have. I was once told that I "seek out dysfunctional people because I am partly dysfunctional myself." Well anyhow...

I met this great lady a few years ago and we seemed to get along great. It seemed we started thinking pretty seriously about how we were getting involved... Maybe too seriously... Because then, I freaked out, as usual.. I mean really freaked out. All of a sudden, my mind started racing because I can never get past a certain point of seriousness with someone... I dunno... This caused an emotional distance to become between me and the lady. Anyway, thereafter started one of the worst years of my life.

That whole next year was awful for me. I was so worried about it that I was getting sick all of the time and even dizzy and all kinds of stuff. Eventually, after months and months and months, I became clear-minded enough to start to sort out the whole thing. I realized how different we are... I have felt guilty since that first day when I freaked out and I can't really shake it. I wonder if I ruined it all. It's hard to come to a conclusion.

I still love this woman but we're just so way different. I don't think people have to be the same to have a relationship. I think it depends on the people... But there is definitely a lot of friction between us now which is something that can be pretty uncomfortable for two people who once envisioned perhaps marriage in their future.

I guess I feel better just being myself and being dysfunctional. I'm not sure I will ever outgrow it. Staying healthy seems to help for the most part... Then, I live my life normally and am pretty happy. There still times when it bites me though. I feel like I should just stick to who I am and my own interests but I often think of my lady friend and if I ruined our future.

[Aeradalia]

I'm not sure which issues you have exactly... but there is hope for us 'dysfunctional' people... Wounds inflicted by the past can heal, it's just a matter of whether you want them to heal or not...

• You have to make up your mind that you want a normal life (or close to normal anyway).

• Then educate yourself on whichever problems you have via psychiatrist/counselor, books, and any other other bits of information you can find.

• Stay with it... Don't give up, untangling such messes can and will take years, but there will be noticeable steps made.

The mind is a remarkable thing... in time, with encouragement and consistency... it can and will replace bad behavior with new behavior...

[GemStar]

Thanks for the good advice, Aeradalia. I do basically think of things in that manner and it's nice to have reassurance about it. I guess maybe, though, what I am really getting at is... Are we just too different to try to continue in a romance? Probably a question I will have to eventually answer myself but... I still always like to read responses!

P.S. About the dysfunctional part... Perhaps I have viewed myself as more dysfunctional lately as a way of explaining why I am so different from this person?

[Prodigal]

You seem pretty doubtful. Sometimes, after you change you realize that you aren't as compatible with someone that you were with before.

I would hypothesize that you aren't seeing yourself as dysfunctional now because you are so different from her, but because you want to be more like her. The beginning of your thread says that 'dysfunctional people seek each other'... I think that's true. It's a common thread between people. This leads me to think you met due to your dysfunctionality. If you aren't dysfunctional anymore, and she is, then that is a huge distance. You have grown and she hasn't.

I would say think about what you like about her now. Why are you staying in the relationship? Like you said in my thread, guilt is not a good reason...