She's trying to choose

[derbygirl]

I was not available to date her in the first place, but we fell in love. I tried to distance myself from her to fulfill my obligations, but could never stick with it for long. Eventually, she got sick of it and ended it with me because it was just too painful for her. That's when reality hit me--I truly do love this woman.

The whole thing was extremely complicated. She was my first lesbian relationship, I have kids, it was a horrible time in my life when we met, etc. Really a nightmare time to have met someone, and I wasn't even looking--she just kept turning up and otherwise pursuing me.

Now that a few weeks (more than a month) have passed since the initial meltdown, she's been dating someone else for about 1.5 weeks, and she's missing me. There are people who want to date me, too. The "moving on" has definitely begun.

But she told me yesterday she feels like she needs to choose between the girl she's dating now, and me. I know that things will never be exactly the same between us as the way they were--and I'm grateful for that. Too much drama, too much pain, and I don't want to go there again. However, I *am* still in love with her. I really don't want to throw away all the good stuff between us. There's just so much. We're so compatible, and there's so much attraction and similarity of backgrounds, etc. We both seem like we want to grow in the same direction.

So...should I date? I really like the attention, it has done wonders for my battered ego. Is it fair for me to date someone who's really into me? I am handling a lot in my personal life right now and do not want to commit to someone too soon (before I'm ready). That goes for my ex, as well.

And how often do ex-gfs decide to get back together with their ex, when they're already dating someone new? I know she thinks she's got a choice to make between the two of us, but I told her I considered the world to be full of choices, and that my happiness does not rest with one person or another. The vibe I got from her was that she really wants to be with me but is afraid of being hurt again--even though she can see I have been changing the things in my life that kept me from living up to my commitments to her before.

I've never been in a situation like this before, so I've been doing a lot of reading and working on staying calm and making the right decisions for myself and my babies. Their happiness is my highest priority.

[vashti]

How old are your children, and what happened with their father?

[derbygirl]

My kids are pretty young. Their dad and I are divorcing after years of marriage counseling, religious counseling, classes, etc. It just doesn't work between us.

[vashti]

Meh, I can't say I am a fan of dating when someone has young children, regardless of sexual orientation. Kids whose parents are going through a divorce need their parent's undivided attention, IMO.

[derbygirl]

The kids do get my attention, but all the "surviving the breakup" advice says you should date others. It is hard to move on, and I don't want to stay stuck on someone who's not sure she wants me.

My children are a huge part of my life but after having gone so many years in a loveless marriage, I admit I would like to have someone in my life who is there for *me*.

[vashti]

The kids do get my attention, but all the "surviving the breakup" advice says you should date others.

This isn't just a matter of when YOU are ready, but also about when THEY are ready. If you aren't even divorced yet, I don't see how they could be ready.

[LoveHurts09]

or maybe having a happy mum will improve their life? kids respond well to happyness, the main reason divorce is so hard on kids is cos of the stress it brings

it seems like u will be sharing custody of the kids so there's probably no pain for them there

if u think u can keep ur priorities clear and give every1 else what they need from then u should take this chance to be happy as it seems like it'll do u a lot of good.

[derbygirl]

Yeah, my question is not about my kids. They are being well-looked after and their mom is totally devoted to them.

I want to get over this heartbreak and I want to know if I should date other people. One person in particular is very into me. I like him, too.

I am still in love with my ex-gf. She takes me for granted. She comes around and talks about moving in, talks about the future, etc., but she is dating someone else.

I'm not looking for a lifetime commitment from anyone right now--again, the kids and straightening out the legal stuff are truly my priorities. But I wonder how dating someone else who treats me like gold could affect the long-term situation with my ex-gf, whose love and devotion I would love to be able to count on again.

I don't want to play games. I just want someone who is safe and kind and loving to be there for me. I've got one person who talks the talk and the other who walks the walk and I'm so stuck on the talker that I don't know if it's right to go out with the walker.

It's hell.