Drunken Stupidity...

[DisN_Dat]

Hi all
First post, so bear with me. I've been in an LDR for four years with this guy, and he's said some stupid crappola over the years but in the interest of not rocking the boat, I've always said nothing, and admittedly I've just ended up resentful for it. Innywho, a couple of weeks back he got really stupid blackout drunk, and called me up as soon as he got home. He started telling me about two women who were putting the moves on him at the club and how it made him feel really good (understandable if you need that sort of validation I suppose). Thing is, both of these women's SO's were at the club at the time, and I sorta feel like a woman who comes onto a guy while her guy is actually present is...well...skanky, but maybe that's just me. That was bad enough, but at the time, my old high school bud was visiting me, and during the conversation he also started in about how he thought my bud had nice bewbs from what pics he'd seen of us and started talking about a threesome, at which point I told him I was hanging up, and he cut out that s**t without apology. He also told me he "Loves me more than his own life, and is so faithful that he just misses me" and came home right away. A couple days later I mentioned how much his telling me about the other women coming onto him was bugging me since this is an LDR, and I can't be there with him, so I have no control over these situations, and he told me he couldn't even remember the conversation and was surprised he even told me about the women coming onto him. I haven't mentioned what he said about my high school bud, but because of all this, I have to admit, I'm having some trust issues about him. I figure those stupid things that pop out of your mouth when you're F'd up are just the things that you've thought about when you were sober, but didn't have the liquid courage to say. They don't call it truth serum for nothing. First off, generally when you aren't getting what you need from your SO, it can be the beginning of the end when someone else gives you the admiration you need. Second, this suggesting of a threesome is a bell I just can't unring, and it's affecting me badly...to the point I just can't help but wonder if maybe he just admires skanky types who'll unlock their knees for anyone, and sorry, but that ain't me! I honestly don't know if I can trust him anymore. This is only the most recent of a number of idiot remarks he's made over the years about other women, and like I said, I've just let them fester. BTW, neither of us are kids...I'm 51 and he's 56.

[doppelgaenger]

Rock the mu****in boat.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a nice one...

[tooxshort]

Are you serious? This story is hard to believe, but I'll add my input anyway.

I can't imagine 50+ year olds behaving like this. First off, he's not very tact in the whole relationship department ... to go with that, it's an LDR, so he should be doing everything he can to make you feel secure and trusting. But to point out other girls coming on to him or commenting on how nice your friend's breast are is just plain immature and tactless.

So, middle-aged skanks are chasing after your golden boy? It doesn't make sense ... Sounds like y'all should stick to people locally. Forget this LDR, it's pretty f*cked as it is. And believe me, I've had a great experience with long distance relationships ... that's how me and my wife started out.

So, bottom line ... look elsewhere for love.

[DisN_Dat]

Gads, I only wish I were making this up, and if you think this is hard to believe, I could tell you worse stuff he's said, and didn't even have drunkenness as an excuse. Part of his problem is I'm the type that can walk to the mailbox and guys will stop to talk to me, but I have enough confidence in myself that such things don't impress me and I just shine 'em on. The first time we ever went out, he said he could practically hear necks snap with guys looking at me, but I told him at the time that makes me more uncomfortable than impressed. Back in the day, he was the football hero, but those babe magnet days are far behind him, so maybe such worship is something he needs. Maybe he's just a raging narcissist, but either way, I agree. This behavior is simply devaluating and feels disrespectful. I don't just get over it, and (being a Scorpio), I just get more angry about it over time. I left high school in '75 and thought by this age, the baby games would stop in relationships. I hate to think I've wasted four freakin' years on this, but once my trust is gone, it's just gone. Trying to have a calm discussion with him is like pulling teeth because everything is everyone else's fault donchaknow, and it just ends in a scream fest. No one likes to feel taken for granted, but for me that's the place I'm getting to. Love sure do suck sometimes...He says he loves me with all his heart, but I just don't feel like he's walkin' the walk.

[Gigabitch]

No trust = no LDR. Sorry, but that's Condition Number One.

I say end it. Next, you'll be hearing about how he got blackout drunk, slipped and landed between someone's legs.

[tooxshort]

Well, there's no doubt that he's physically attracted to you, but it seems that when distance is involved, he is not emotionally attached to you as he should be in an LDR. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn't seem to be the case with this guy. Cut your losses and move on. And vent away here ...

Alcohol as not an excuse (I didn't mention that earlier) ... I've never blacked out. That's BS. He remembers being grinded on, so he didn't black out.

[DisN_Dat]

Next, you'll be hearing about how he got blackout drunk, slipped and landed between someone's legs.


BWAAAA-HAAA-HAA!

Funny cuz it's true! Been there, done that!

[DisN_Dat]

Well, there's no doubt that he's physically attracted to you, but it seems that when distance is involved, he is not emotionally attached to you as he should be in an LDR. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn't seem to be the case with this guy. Cut your losses and move on. And vent away here ...

Alcohol as not an excuse (I didn't mention that earlier) ... I've never blacked out. That's BS. He remembers being grinded on, so he didn't black out.

Yup, I totally agree, and as I mentioned, when you're drunk, you just say the stuff you wouldn't say sober. I must say I HAVE been blackout (it took 14 Black Russians), but at least somehow I made it home and through my front door...of course I passed out just inside it. At least I woke up alone!

[doppelgaenger]

I'm trying to picture grandpa at da club.

[DisN_Dat]

I'm trying to picture grandpa at da club.

Oh, I think I'm gonna like you! Actually, it's the lodge, but he lives in a real podunky one stop sign type of Southern town, so the lodge (and despite the blue laws) is the club there. I have seen him at the clubs though, and he seems to want to put on airs and try to be the center of attention. You know...karaoke king, loud, chatting up other women, complimenting others while not complimenting me and denying it even though I was sitting right there witnessing it...the list goes on. Seems insecure though as he expects me to stroke his ego all the time while it seems he tries to put me down.

[Illusional]

i dunno why you threw you in age, because i won't really look at you any more maturely that you post... anyhow, when i say shit when i'm drunk, it's the honest truth and i don't care what anyone thinks because i tend to speak my mind when i'm drunk.

the next morning i will lie my ass off because i know what i said was hurtful... even though atleast half of it was true, it's not something that you go around telling everyone.

does that help?

raverboy

[LoveHurts09]

why r u still in a LDR after 4 years?

[lovesjoyajm]

DisNDat,
From what it sounds like, you deserve someone a lot better than this guy, and you could find it. I know you feel like you've invested four wasted years if you break up with him, but if you invest four more years, it'll be 8 wasted years because this has to end eventually. Do it now and find someone you can be with physically, someone local (who also has a sweet Minnesota accent.)

[excowho]

I'm trying to picture grandpa at da club.

I'm trying to picture black-out drunk grandpa picking up at the club. In a college football jacket, double fisting beers and women.


On a more serious note,
I do believe from what I've read and the feeling I get from this relationship, that the whole LDR thing isn't working out.
If you're in fact as old you say, and this has lasted 4 years, would the logically conclusion not be to move or find work out near the other?
If this is true, you both have commitment issues, or he's banging the shit out of 50+ year old rag dolls well you sit there like a lost puppy.

[DisN_Dat]

i dunno why you threw you in age, because i won't really look at you any more maturely that you post... anyhow, when i say shit when i'm drunk, it's the honest truth and i don't care what anyone thinks because i tend to speak my mind when i'm drunk.

the next morning i will lie my ass off because i know what i said was hurtful... even though atleast half of it was true, it's not something that you go around telling everyone.

does that help?

raverboy

Mainly threw in the age because it seems that the question gets asked after people post here...figured I'd get that outta the way ASAP. Agreed about the what I say when I'm drunk thing. We all lie our asses off after the truth serum wears off, that's just part of the deal, but an adult will at least accept some responsibility for their actions. He tried to give me the "Don't take what a drunken old man says seriously (and that's a verbatim quote)" line, but fact is I take what a drunken fool says very seriously...not like I haven't been around the block a few times. Sadly, he has a problem with throwing the blame, but never taking responsibility for his own actions. Yes, we all do that to an extent, but he thinks he has that one down to an art. As far as expecting even an apology for it...fuhgittaboutit! IF you get an apology, it's what I call the backhanded type...you know...I'm sorry YOU are so upset, but YOU take things too hard, yadda, yadda, yadda... Actually discussing anything is simply impossible, and the only payoff is he seems to push the boundaries further and further. Everyone else is the problem, and he rages or hangs the phone up or whatever. I've tried discussing the things that simply aren't working , but I get the "We'll talk about it when you aren't so overworked, or harried or tired" or whatever excuse du jour there is...but it's always about me...I am always the one with the problem, or I am just like so-and-so. I hate that one since I am a unique individual as is he. I have never thrown that line out there to anyone because we are all unique individuals, and while we all may have similar experiences, that line is a cop out made to shut the other person down. As far as the age goes, by 56 a person should have enough experience to act with respect and maturity, but he is more like a three year old who simply never had to accept responsibility for his actions. Sorry for the ramble. I'm just tired of feeling like I am the one who has to get over it, while he plays the victim. At the end of the day, we can't change anyone but ourselves, and for me the lines in the sand have been overstepped far too many times, and I can't forgive and forget any more.