Potential LDR dilemma

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

I'm hoping to get some input on my situation here.

I'm 25 and am finishing up my first year of professional school (a 4 year program). My final semester of college, I met this girl I had a class with and we slowly hit it off, to the point where we decided to keep in touch after graduating. We did, although we moved away from each other. She started a 4 year graduate school program in Florida (I took two years off before starting mine) the subsequent fall, while I moved back to Ohio where we're both from. We kept in touch quite a bit, via phone, online, etc. It became quite clear she was developing a significant crush on me, and I on her.

Anyway, so we'd flirt back and forth but nothing too much since we were both pretty far away. Her family moved down to Florida too, but she did come up to visit Ohio again the summer after she started grad school, and I got to see her then. Just hung out one night with some friends, nothing serious.

This past summer, right before I was about to start school again, she flew up to see me where I was living in New Jersey by then. We spent 4 or 5 days at the beach together, had a great time, pretty romantic, blah blah sensitive crap. We had sex several times as well. It was just an outstanding week in general, but she kept telling me she might become a little "distant" once she went back to Florida, because she was worried she'd become way too attached, which she was trying to avoid since I was beginning school in Virginia and she was headed back to Florida.

Ok so anyway, hopefully you're still reading. So I started up school this past fall and have been super busy, and she started her third year which has been crazy busy for her too, so while we still talk, it's not as frequent. I've dated a couple other girls since then, but nothing serious, and none of them really compare to this original girl to me. She gets me, we complement each other's personality great, etc. It's just something I've never experienced with a female before her.

She has just over a year left in school, and then her plans are up in the air. I'll be here in VA for another 3 years at least. I'm not entirely sure how she "feels" about me at the moment (whether she's moved on, or what) since we don't talk quite as frequently (so when we do, it's not as easy to bring something that heavy up in conversation). She's still playful and kinda flirty when we do talk, but I can't tell if that's just her being her in general.

Basically, I'm pretty hung up on her. Like I said, it's nothing like relationships I've had in the past (although this really isn't a "relationship", at least yet) . . . I feel something more, as lame as it sounds to hear myself say that. Back when we talked all the time (just prior to her coming to the beach with me) she would always tell me how she was falling for me, etc. Since her school program ramped things up big time at the start of this year, it's hard to tell if she still feels the same way, since she's extremely driven academically and thus school takes up more of her time.

I want to bring this up with her and discuss it, essentially flesh out the situation and find out if she still feels like she did before, and whether she's entertained the thought of a serious relationship between the two of us. The distance thing sucks, and I'm not sure how into the idea of a LDR she is . . . but that could potentially just be for a year, if she decided to move back north after graduation.

Any advice on how to approach her with this?

Edit: She's 24, by the way.

[vashti]

Just tell her you miss her and want to talk. Maybe you can see each other over spring break?

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

Hey Vashti, thanks for the reply. I just had my spring break, and had planned on going down to see her, but unfortunately my break coincided with the week before she took her board exams, so there was no way I was gonna interrupt her studying for that.

I'd obviously prefer to talk to her in person, but I don't really know when the next chance for that will be. Would it be really lame to call her and talk to her about this? She sent me a text a few days ago saying "hey hun, how's life?" and I mentioned in my reply that I missed talking to/seeing her (I hate texting, by the way). Her reply was some little joke, I forget what, and then "but yeah, feeling's mutual."

I know, sounds like a perfect set up. It's just tough with her to tell sometimes, I can't explain it. Not that she'd intentionally lead me on, I don't think.

[vashti]

If you can't talk to her in person, what about skype? (Is that what it's called?) Either that, or I suppose the phone...

I don't know how interested she will be in not dating anyone else for at least a year, but I don't see how it would hurt to tell her your feelings are deep (even by phone if necessary, but DON'T do it by text message!) and you'd like to pursue something if she's willing... at least then you will find out if she harbors a deeper attachment to you.

Maybe you guys can arrange to take turns visiting once a month or so.... women tend to have a really hard time not getting any attention for long periods of time.

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

Haha, don't worry, even the "I miss you" crap was farther than I'd like to go with texting. I've never used Skype, but I think she has in the past with her family.

And of course a big issue, which you touched on, is that I really wouldn't want to put her (or anyone) in the situation where I'm asking/suggesting she not date anyone where she lives for a year. That's really not fair. I guess what I really want to find out from her is whether she'd even be open to the thought at least down the road, maybe when she's done with school, but even that sounds silly in my head ("hey, let's plan to date next year, but in the meantime go about your business with whoever else").

[LoveHurts09]

but she kept telling me she might become a little "distant" once she went back to Florida, because she was worried she'd become way too attached, which she was trying to avoid since I was beginning school in Virginia and she was headed back to Florida.

how did u answer (her) to this?

does she know ur dating? do u know if she is?

u should definately bring up meeting up when ur both free.

if u would be happy with a LDR with her then why do u think she wouldnt? i'd say just try staying close to her and not talking about other interests unless she brings them up.

[vashti]

Haha, don't worry, even the "I miss you" crap was farther than I'd like to go with texting. I've never used Skype, but I think she has in the past with her family.

And of course a big issue, which you touched on, is that I really wouldn't want to put her (or anyone) in the situation where I'm asking/suggesting she not date anyone where she lives for a year. That's really not fair. I guess what I really want to find out from her is whether she'd even be open to the thought at least down the road, maybe when she's done with school, but even that sounds silly in my head ("hey, let's plan to date next year, but in the meantime go about your business with whoever else").

Why don't you feel her out by saying something sweet like "I really miss you. I hope in a year we can live closer together so we can explore having a real relationship. What do you think?"

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

Why don't you feel her out by saying something sweet like "I really miss you. I hope in a year we can live closer together so we can explore having a real relationship. What do you think?"

Yeah, I think in the end that's essentially how I feel and what I'd like to say to her.

As dumb as this sounds, in typical idiotic male fashion I generally have some trouble expressing myself like that, for whatever reason. Although with her, there's a lot less of that kind of feeling I guess compared to girls I've seen in the past. When I think about it, I can pretty much say anything (within reason) around her and to her, so I'm not sure why this should be any different.

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

how did u answer (her) to this?

does she know ur dating? do u know if she is?

u should definately bring up meeting up when ur both free.

if u would be happy with a LDR with her then why do u think she wouldnt? i'd say just try staying close to her and not talking about other interests unless she brings them up.

I forget, it's been a while. I think I just told her playfully not to worry about thinking about that kind of thing and just enjoy the time we were spending together that week. In retrospect, I was the one falling for her.

She did ask me a few months "so, seeing anyone?" in sort of a ribbing manner, and I basically just said "eh, I went on a few dates with a girl I met but we just didn't mesh." I asked her if she had and she said something like "A few lemons. Well, not really dating, just spending time/hanging out" (which I'm pretty sure doesn't mean sex at all, since she's the antithesis of slutty/promiscuous....although you can never rule it out). A friend of mine thought she might have just said that after hearing my response about seeing a girl. I don't know. It's hard because we've never really "been together", it was more of long distance flirting, then a week of whatever you want to call that, with the understanding that we'd both be going back to our own worlds again.

As far as why I'm not sure she'd want to be in a LDR . . . I guess the same reason I'd assume anyone wouldn't want to . . . they're tough. Maybe part of my worry is basically saying I'm up for that kind of thing, and then finding out she just doesn't care enough to try that. I don't know.

[carl1222]

As far as why I'm not sure she'd want to be in a LDR . . . I guess the same reason I'd assume anyone wouldn't want to . . . they're tough. Maybe part of my worry is basically saying I'm up for that kind of thing, and then finding out she just doesn't care enough to try that. I don't know.

Look, if you both aren't completely commited to trying, then the chances of it working for a year are zero. Unless you address it, it will always be the 800 lb. gorilla in the room, and it won't go away for all the levity in the world. So it does no good NOT to talk about it.

Best case, she is committed to the idea and wants to move to Virginia after she finishes if things work out.

Worst case, she lacks your interest and is planning to stay in Florida.

Don't you need to know which it really is?

Carl.

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

Look, if you both aren't completely commited to trying, then the chances of it working for a year are zero. Unless you address it, it will always be the 800 lb. gorilla in the room, and it won't go away for all the levity in the world. So it does no good NOT to talk about it.

Best case, she is committed to the idea and wants to move to Virginia after she finishes if things work out.

Worst case, she lacks your interest and is planning to stay in Florida.

Don't you need to know which it really is?

Carl.

Yup, that's basically where I'm at. It's stupid to keep playing this little string-along game, and it's dumb to put my plans on hold for something that for all I know will never materialize.

I definitely need to just discuss this with her. Either she's on the same page and that's great, or she's not and I move on.

Thanks.

[carl1222]

I definitely need to just discuss this with her. Either she's on the same page and that's great, or she's not and I move on. Thanks.

You both move on ... You're both professionals (almost), surely you can calmly and concisely navigate a conversation about expectations for the future!

Good luck.

Carl.

[lesa]

Just start pursuing her. Of course you cannot visit her easily but you can show interest. Call her and talk on the phone and then maybe webcam, etc (but I prefer phone). Pursue her like you want her. If you give her all that free time she will lose interest.

[carl1222]

Just start pursuing her. Of course you cannot visit her easily but you can show interest. Call her and talk on the phone and then maybe webcam, etc (but I prefer phone). Pursue her like you want her. If you give her all that free time she will lose interest.

Lesa is right. There are difficult and fundamental issues that may eventually keep you apart, but it would be inexcusable to lose her through neglect.

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

Pursue her and talk about the possibility of LDR. Never try, never win. Good luck.