Two at a time....?

[busybee83]

So, I was at school and fell hard with a roomie. He had a long-time girlfriend who he met online and didn't see much. We had something really beautiful, and totally accidental. I came up pregnant, and everything went pretty crazy. Our child is now over a year old. Their relationship has been a mess for years but only recently has he had the guts to admit it. We are still in contact online regularly, sharing secrets and intimacies as if this were normal....
The thing is, he had to give living with her a chance. I have since gotten into a good relationship with someone an old friend, who is 'dad' to my son. Problem is, now I find myself sharing my heart with 2 men at once, one clandestinely, and at some considerable physical distance. He is still with her and neither she nor my boyfriend know the extent of our current relationship. He tells me all the time how our relationship has been the most fulfilling of his life. We have an emotional connection neither of us has been able to match elsewhere. I love them both, in different ways. But I miss the organic coming together of what I had with my son's father. We miss each other a lot. It's such a mess.
....Any ideas what I should do???

[carl1222]

hang yourself?

Do you have the slightest speck of morality? Or do you live your entire life by the feelings in your pu**Y??

Carl.

[misombra]

are you sure neither of them know? hasn't anybody ever asked you who the father of your child is?

[Aeradalia]

Is "the child" a boy or a girl? How does the "over a year old" child feel about the 'dad' who has been brought into his/her life?

What are you plans for "the child's" life?

Sorry if I'm not answering your questions on how you should resolve your love-life... but I keep getting distracted by the child you have. Funny how I see the child as being somehow... well... more important...

Surely you can understand... right?

[busybee83]

Wow....
Yes, he is of great importance to me. What kind of question is that?
the 'dad' is the only one he has ever known, since he was a tiny baby. My partner knows all about his origins.
...I have no intentions of hanging myself, @sshole.... what good would that do for anyone??
I can't help thinking it might be good for my son to know his real father, as he is not a bad person.
I am a monogamous girl, for one thing I never had any doubt as to my son's parentage....
Is this what this forum is all about - Judgement? Heaven forbid I would ask for advice about a conflict of the heart.... good grief.

[carl1222]

Wow....
Yes, he is of great importance to me. What kind of question is that?
the 'dad' is the only one he has ever known, since he was a tiny baby. My partner knows all about his origins.
...I have no intentions of hanging myself, @sshole.... what good would that do for anyone??
I can't help thinking it might be good for my son to know his real father, as he is not a bad person.
I am a monogamous girl, for one thing I never had any doubt as to my son's parentage....
Is this what this forum is all about - Judgement? Heaven forbid I would ask for advice about a conflict of the heart.... good grief.

Hey busy ... you have a child ... call me an a**hole if you must .... but you ask us not to judge ... and we rarely do. But you are asking us to endore what is comletely a selfish need. Then you say ... "now I find myself being intimate with 2 men at once, one clandestinely. He is still with her and neither she nor my boyfriend know the extent of our current relationship. He tells me all the time how our relationship was the most fulfilling of his life. I love them both, in different ways. But I miss the organic coming together of what I had with the child's father. We miss each other a lot. It's such a mess." The truth is you are f**cking two men for your own carnal pleasure. Decide or tell me why I shouldn't judge you as you as a whore?

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

We've had plenty of mothers on here... and they always refer to their children as him or her, or even with endearing terms... never as "the child"... yet you used very endearing context to describe your ex...

I saw a discrepancy... and suspected you may not have viewed "the child" as top priority.

[busybee83]

Er, I never said any f*cking was going on.... that was your own assumption. Sorry if I said anything to insinuate that, it is patently untrue.
Carnal pleasure thus has little to do with it. I hope I am not being too judgmental, but I think you are missing the point.

[carl1222]

We've had plenty of mothers on here... and they always refer to their children as him or her, or even with endearing terms... never as "the child"... yet you used very endearing context to describe your ex...

I saw a discrepancy... and suspected you may not have viewed "the child" as top priority.

I think we know what her top priority is ... her clitoris!!!

[carl1222]

Er, I never said any f*cking was going on.... that was your own assumption. Sorry if I said anything to insinuate that, it is patently untrue.
Carnal pleasure thus has little to do with it. I hope I am not being too judgmental, but I think you are missing the point.

then what does "being intimate with 2 men at once" mean... if you want advice, stop lying!

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Er, I never said any f*cking was going on.... that was your own assumption. Sorry if I said anything to insinuate that, it is patently untrue.
Carnal pleasure thus has little to do with it. I hope I am not being too judgmental, but I think you are missing the point.

All that aside... the simple fact is... that the father of the child... as you describe them... seems to be very unstable.. especially for your son and for you. If he were far more stable and seemed more capable of a being a 'father'... then perhaps it would be worth leaving your current bf in favor of him, as your son would still be taken care of and have a male role model (as he is still young enough not be be hurt too greatly by the disruption of the family).

However, the biological father of the child seems to be way too toxic for your son or you... and to favor him over your current bf would spell disaster in so many ways. Let the past be the past... include your 'ex' if he wishes to see your son... but do not pursue a relationship with him. From your description... you seem to have a good man --- being a single-mother is a terrible risk to take when you have a child who is dependent on you, especially when your 'ex' seems less than stable.

Please, let the past be the in the past, and enjoy the fact you have apparently found a good man who treats your son as his own... that is so rare for a single-mother to find...

[busybee83]

I used the term "child" to attempt to show that I think of him separately from this whole mess. But I acknowledge your critique, and will endeavor in future to be more direct in that aspect.
My son is my focus every day, I hate to give any impression otherwise. I spend my days playing with and teaching him, and sing him to sleep every night. He is a sweet, wonderful child. I suppose these may sound like superlatives to the more cynical out there, but I mean every word.
However, motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't deny that I am still struggling with some selfish tendencies. This is what I asked the question for - some serious advice.

[carl1222]

if you want advice from idiots, go to idiotloveforum.net

[carl1222]

Aeradalia ... I have no patience for her ... you're on your own!

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

I used the term "child" to attempt to show that I think of him separately from this whole mess. But I acknowledge your critique, and will endeavor in future to be more direct in that aspect.
My son is my focus every day, I hate to give any impression otherwise. I spend my days playing with and teaching him, and sing him to sleep every night. He is a sweet, wonderful child. I suppose these may sound like superlatives to the more cynical out there, but I mean every word.
However, motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't deny that I am still struggling with some selfish tendencies. This is what I asked the question for - some serious advice.

Well you must realize.. your son will never be separate of this mess... I mean, how can he be? You are proposing to take away the only father he's ever known... Risking an unstable lifestyle by an unstable ex... Risking introducing sadness into your son's life if the new relationship were to fail --- or worse, drag on for years. Do you see what I mean? Your son will never be separate of the decisions you make.. because he is dependent on you.

I can understand the transition from "it's just me" to "it's not about me anymore" can be quite a shock.. but you've had over a year to adjust to this. Perhaps it is slower for others than it is for some. But please, from now on... weigh your selfish desires with what is best for your son. If it poses a threat to your son's future, safety, health (mentally, emotionally, and physically), and happiness... then you mustn't do it ---- even if that means putting yourself second. I'm sorry, but mothers really do 'give all' for their children. They have to... if they want all their efforts over the years through parenting to pay off (aka a good child becomes a decent adult).

Discuss your difficulties with adjusting to motherhood with Gigabitch, Vashti, and a few of the other women on here... I highly recommend this.. as your priorities need refinement...