Thrown for a loop here!

[Bonovox40]

Ok, I could type pages and pages of what took place this weekend because it was a LOT! Scenario: 3 foreign girls staying at my parents place for a few days before traveling to a special needs camp at Indiana to work for the summer. One of the girls I end up just light conversation at bedtime (midnight) that lasts until 8 A.M.! We didn't sleep at all! To make a long story short, she said that everything we talked about and the feelings back and forth were stronger than anyone else she's ever known. (Negative part: She has a 5 yr bf back home that she's been trying to leave but he keeps nagging her back after multiple breakups. The last time he threatened suicide and she succumed to that. Yes, dumb on her part but she doesn't know what to do. She's 21, he's hit her once in the past, she believes he's cheated on her, he looks at other women and won't kiss or touch her even during sex, and does not allow her to kiss or touch him during sex. Yes, pretty messed up. She's 21 and has been dating him since 16 and he's the only guy she's had sex with.) So obviously there's enough baggage for her to not know what to do. She knows that she's unhappy and feels empty inside and said that I make her feel alive and special and more inside then anyone else (including bf) has made her feel.

There was lots of innuendo on both sides throughout the night while we sat together on the bed but nothing happened. To make a long story short, I KNOW 100% that I could've seduced her that night and she would've given in and proabably felt guilt later. But it didn't feel right to do that to her. She told me she wanted more from me and wanted to kiss me but didn't want to be a cheater and have me see that in her.

Anyway, she's in Indiana now and I know that I WILL be able to see her again and she calls me (only has enough prepaid minutes to call her family or bf, but she calls me instead.) and says her heart is torn and that she can't sleep, she can't eat. She can't stop thinking of me and wanting to be with me and that she knows her bf isn't the one she is supposed to be with. He's not her "life partner". She WANTS more with me, but is afraid it will only be for the summer and i'll never see her again with her Visa running out in Septemeber, and my police career keeping me in Illinois. I told her not to look so far ahead and to try and enjoy what we can now and that if it's meant to be, it will be.

I know I didn't explain everything but there was some HEAVY, HEAVY feelings on both sides. I can't explain it. I've never felt like this about someone before, Even after being in love with my first main gf. She is SERIOUSLY having problems deciding what to do. She KNOWS that I can make her feel better then anything else she's had before. She already feels that and has expressed that. It's her FEAR of this not being able to last, like waking from a dream that has her in turmoil. Like knowing that we could have something wonderful but that it might not last more than a summer. She doesn't want her heart broken over something so good like this.

I sorta feel the same way but I have more faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. My sister and bro in-law were the same. She went to Greece, bumped into him for 2 days. 3 months later they talk on the phone, send letters for a year. Travel back to Greece and he proposed and now they've been married for 3 years happily.

Stranger things have happened. I'm not saying she's my "chosen one", but i'm not afraid to try something if only for a little while. It's not like i've been hurt before. Let me just say that if I never see her again, I've been so happy these past 2 days that it doesn't matter. I felt so good with her and the feelings were unbelievable. It's something that i'm happy to have felt if I never feel it again.

[jslaughter]

I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also think that before you and she can take things anywhere she's got to ditch the loser boyfriend. Clearly he has problems but she is also allowing him to control her - until she breaks free from that you are investing alot of feelings in someone you can't have.

I wish you luck - - please keep us posted.

[sfalexi]

I agree with Jules. It does sound nice. It sounds like you have a connection. BUT you need to deal with her CURRENT relationship before you can start one with her. I would say you have to be her friend and help her deal with her current boyfriend. Then, after he's gone, work your Bonovox magic.

Rod Steele

[Clifton]

or work the clifton magic, punch her in the face till she passes out and tie her up and keep her in your closet

[Ratfish256]

or work the clifton magic, punch her in the face till she passes out and tie her up and keep her in your closet

Kinky shit

[Bonovox40]

Hardy har Clifton. lol. I know it's bad to get involved if she stays with him and i've told her that I won't wait around forever for her to ditch this guy. Supposedly he has a plane ticket to fly out here and see her in a month or something. If she doesn't tell him to bail, then what's the point? Either way, I still think next time there is a chance I see her to do something with her. What have I got to lose? And probably, we'll only get to make out or something so that won't matter. It kinda sucks how every girl that likes me and I like or, i've met and had a relationship with has baggage problems. I don't know why I enjoy opening up to others and having some gift that people just pour out their hearts on me, but it sucks when you start having feelings and wanting to get in the middle of things.

[Bonovox40]

Also, I wrote her an email that I spend 2 hours translating into Hungarian so hopefully that will earn some bonus points somehow. The scary thing is I double checked the words I translated and some of them I had the wrong grammar symbols on the vowels. you know like the ` symbol. Anyway the sentence "I can fill your empty heart with happiness." turned into "I can fill your empty disease with happiness." LoL. Good thing I took the time to double check. Just shows you how on little symbol can make a SEVERE change in language.

Sorta like how she commented on how much she liked my eyes and wanted to say "Pupil" but got confused and was like "I think the word is Pupil but doesn't that mean 'student'?" Hehe. I explained that she was right and just mixed up. I did appreciate the compliment though.

[WindyCityLane]

It sounds nice but I think she's being a little selfish here since she's not really ready to let go of the ex. She sound needy (I've been there) she doesn't want to dump the ex because if things don't work out with you guys then she's alone. You see what I mean? Despite that he is a major case to be lost, she's going to hang on to him to have someone. I did this in the past. I respect that she didn't want to cheat but I do agree with you that if you had made a move, she'd have been yours because you guys seemed to have connected seriously. I hope none of this sounds harsh in a crappy way but I really do think she's asking for a lot of commitment from you before she does what should have already been done with the BF way before you came into the picture.

[WindyCityLane]

And whether or not you realize it, she is asking for some form of a commitment from you by letting you know she's not sure what to do since she doesn't know what will become of you two. She (may not realize it but,) is trying to make you responsible for her happiness. Before I got myself straightened out I would've done the same thing and I never thought about what I was doing or even realized I was so needy.

[Bonovox40]

Had more talks. She called me last night. Said she was waiting all day for the night to arrive so we could talk again. She teased about it's been awhile since she's had sex and wished she was in my trousers. Lol. Funny how only europeans say "trousers". We got talking about us and her bf and she said how she doesn't know how she can love two people at once. Doesn't think it's possible but she said "I like you so much, and I think I even love you but I am afraid to say because it is so early that I know you." I told her I know how she feels and she doesn't have to say anything for me to understand.

She said that she does not feel that she can wait a year to be with me again because she can not stand to be alone and in love. I told her I will see her this summer, that I will see her soon. And she's like "When? When?" And I said July at the latest. Hopefully earlier. (I'm trying to figure out if I could she could leave the campground for the night after her duties are over and come back in the morning before work begins again and the new session of kids arrive. I think the camp staff will give her sh*t about it, but I don't see why they would force her to sleep there. Like if you lived near the camp, you could travel to and from daily. I'm just asking for something similar but who knows. Maybe my luck will last, maybe not.)

I said "Do you want to see me again?" and she goes "Yes, of course." but then she says. "If we meet, I don't know if I can mind something with you..I don't know how to say." I said "What, you mean like sex?" and she goes "no, not that." I said "Do you not want me to kiss you when I see you?" and she says "No, I do. I just..don't know if I can love you. I don't know how I can love two people at the same time. I don't want to hurt anyone." I told her "You will not hurt me. I will be happy with whatever our relationship is. If it is only for the summer, I will be happy. If it is more, I will be happy."

She goes "I don't understand how you can be happy if it is only for the summer." (I understood that she was basically asking me how I could be happy only having a fling when this is deeper than that to her) I said "No, no. I don't mean it like that. I'm telling you that I WANT it to be more than the summer. But if I cannot see you again, then I will be happy that we had a chance to be together. But I want to see you again after you go home. I will miss you. I want to write to you and talk to you and come visit you if I can. I want it to be more than just the summer too. I.." and she cut me off saying "Boy, boy, boy. You do not need to say more. You have told me the answer I wanted to hear." I said "I know you understand. I feel the same as you." She told me that she is sad because she doesn't want me to feel that I am number 2 to her. I told her that I don't because this is different. This is special and can't be put into the same boat as him.

We said our goodbyes shortly after and she told me how she was going to try to have me call the direct line in the cottage at night so she wouldn't have to use her minutes since I have free night time minutes.

It's all very strange and her confusion is obvious in how she's torn between something happy but unsure, and something empty but continual. She has the typical "I love him still even though he doesn't really love me or gives me love because we've been through so much together." woman behavior.

I know in time women open their eyes and see the mistakes they've made and either change or give up inside. Maybe someday she'll look back and regret not ending this already but I know we will have some moment together without regret until after we say goodbye. It might be something good, it might be sorrowful and heartbreaking. But I HAVE to share this with her if only to see her one more time. I already feel a slight twinge of pain that she will not make up her mind about him and me. But i'm not surprised. Women want to know they have something solid before moving on, that's usually always the case when they are not strong enough inside. Women who know what they want and how they want to be treated, leave when those traits are not expressed.

I know I should just stay in this mindset that I have. Not to get more feelings for her but i'm not sure if that's possible. I want to see her again and when I do, I don't know how I will feel. I feel that we probably will kiss, and touch, and have sex. And afterwards, I have no idea what I will feel and haven't the slightest what she will be going through. I'll just have to take this one day at a time and be patient and keep my heart in check.

[Bonovox40]

And whether or not you realize it, she is asking for some form of a commitment from you by letting you know she's not sure what to do since she doesn't know what will become of you two. She (may not realize it but,) is trying to make you responsible for her happiness. Before I got myself straightened out I would've done the same thing and I never thought about what I was doing or even realized I was so needy.

I understand this. I know that only SHE is truly responsible for her happiness. But if I can give a pseudo version of that for a short time, then I don't mind. Even though this is all very deep so soon and somewhat selfish on her end, it feels really good to play a small part in this. I believe what you said about IF i had already made a move. BUT, she is still waiting for me to. I don't know how it will change anything UNLESS he arrives before me. If I show up before he does, then I doubt the outcome will be different as if I HAD already kissed her. She told me that she tried to tell him to not come to American so soon, but he wants to come down in July. She WANTS to have an encounter with me but on what magnitude, I don't know. Either that or it's a crappy way of telling him that she needs more time to figure stuff out without telling him the truth about me. He doesn't know about me, I already asked her about that because she asked me if i've told anyone close to me about her and our "relationship".

[WindyCityLane]

I typed a whole reply and there was a problem. Darn it!

Okay, long story short, why is she letting him come here to see her?

This would probably be better as a chat, I typed so much, I couldn't possibly type it again.

[Bonovox40]

Okay, long story short, why is she letting him come here to see her?

This was already planned before she left Hungary. He is supposed to come down and see her, drive to New York or something to stay with friends (since he can't afford to live in his apartment or something), and pick her up when she is done with the camp in september and go sightseeing in Florida or somewhere. This was planned out before she met me. Now she says she wants him to wait longer before coming down but he refuses. I asked her "Why don't you tell him to not come and return the ticket?" and she goes "I don't think I can do that. I don't want to hurt anyone, you or him."

What can you do?

[jslaughter]

Alexi is always quick to remind me that we don't know each other "really" on this board but Bono, I have a genuine affection for you. You are one of the people who seeing your name as a poster causes me to take a minute and read the thread and see what's happening ESPECIALLY if you started the thread. I count on your good sane advice when you give it and there are times I have wished I could reach out and give you a big hug - sometimes you have seemed to need it. With that said . . .

I stand by my original post - she needs to lose the boyfriend, you deserve AT LEAST that. As for women needing something solid before they are willing to take the plunge - screw that, that's why it's called a leap of faith. You are so willing to make one for her asking her to simply put enough faith in you to give you a chance is just not too much to ask for.

You are an awesome guy with too much to give - don't settle for anything less than you would give her.

I'll be reading . . .

[Bonovox40]

Thanks J. That's really something nice to hear. That made my day. I didn't hear from her this morning, which is unusual but we did discuss that the next time she'll talk to me will most likely be at night. I have somewhat of a plan to see her, and i'm thinking that I will drive up there tomorrow night if only to see her for a few minutes. I don't care that it's an hour+ drive, I feel that SOMETHING has to take place soon or this will end on a bad note somehow. Part of me feels that I should've seduced her. That she would've "fallen" for me and chose to leave this guy already, but i've been through that before and know that sometimes people can't give up the past and a spur of the moment affair will not change that completly.

Supposedly she isn't supposed to leave the camp but I think that's BS. It's a private camp, it's not some Nazi camp. I don't see the harm in her leaving after her chores/work and seeing me for dinner or (luck be with me) staying off camp for the night and returning in the morning before work detail.

The bad thing is, there is some serious 3rd party people that can get affected here. Mainly my parents, if I get her in trouble it may jeapordize my parents being able to host international students again through their Kiwanis chapter, and also the woman who is the liason who took Betty to the campground will probably get in trouble for whatever happens to Betty if it is unauthorized.

Why in the world is it like every girl I meet has something that is already a problem, and THEN there are environmental/social/political factors against me? What did I do for this? I'm not trying to cause trouble. I just want to see a girl for a few hours. Is that so wrong? They KNOW that this is the only opportunity we have to see each other at all. Just feels like the world is against me sometime for the silliest reasons. Even if they say no, I will still drive there to see her for 5 minutes or something. They can't shoot me you know. (well unless they have archery classes...uh oh) lol.

I'm just following my heart on this. After I see her again, I will find out how she feels then and know that that will be how she really feels. If she's not willing to drop the guy after having another encounter with me, then i'm not putting my heart out there. I still wouldn't mind talking/seeing each other during the summer, but there's no way I would wait for her to return to America if she stays with him.

I know it sounds strange, but If something happened between us and we decided to have a long-distance relationship, I would not cheat on her. Even if it took another year or more to see her. I was with a girl I loved who stoped sleeping with me for around 6 months and I didn't cheat. When feelings for someone in me exist, that's enough to get by for me. I can't say that my partner would feel the same, but I know me. I don't have to have sex to be happy if I love someone. I think she may feel the same but she told me how she "can't stand to be alone" probably because she hasn't been for 5 years. Doesn't know how to be alone. I'll keep everyone posted on what we talk about tonight and what happens with my possible trip.