When guys say "I don't know where this is going"

[lovemuffin]

Is that just something they say when they already KNOW they aren't going to have any kind of serious future with her?

Also, I'm looking for a partner to settle down with. When is it ok to mention this to a guy? Just say it the first night so there is no time wasted at all? After the first time you have sex? Or.....?

[lahnnabell]

Well, here's the thing. There's no absolute way to tell a guy that you're looking to settle down with someone. BECAUSE the first few weeks are usually dedicated to finding what you like about a person. What you have in common. Not, "Hey, so would you marry me eventually, if were together down the line, 'cause I need to know by our third date."

Too much, too fast. Let it build. If after a few dates you're not feeling like you're into him, then you cut him loose. But hopefully, if you get into a relationship with a guy, he is already assuming that you're looking for long-term. In my opinion, if you're looking for a fling, or something short, don't bother seriously dating anyone. Just have fun.

Maybe someone like carl or cb can help you with the first part. But I'm assuming that no guy really KNOWS, but perhaps he says that you give you the idea that you shouldn't get comfortable. And if that is the case, and you're looking for long-term, then you probably should be keeping your options open.

[vashti]

I would avoid using the words "settle down" initially. It might be better to ask the guy what HE is looking for in the dating world. Does he enjoy the whole dating experience? The way he answers will tell you a lot about his state of mind.

[Sixpacj]

"I don't know where this is going" - hmmm I am having a had time imagining a man would actually say such a thing ;-) it sounds so much like something a woman would say... but...

"Just say it the first night so there is no time wasted at all" - NEVER, NEVER, EVER

If the guy did actually say the thing above, I'd guess he isn't feeling that much in the way of attraction, and he is getting the impression you're too much into him, so he's afraid he will hurt you by not reciprocating, and is looking for a way out of this situation.

[mafj99]

Firstly, I have actually said to an ex "I don't know where this is going". It was part of a longer conversation however when we were both talking together as things were not quite right. We had been together for several months but nothing I suggested to her seemed to appeal and she would rather spend time with her friends than me. So in this context, I didn't know where it was going and wanted to know.

As for talking about "settling down" conversation. First date, or after a first anything would probably freak me out as it takes time to get to know somebody before you know whether you would settle down with them.

Granted that may be your long term goal, and if in conversation (which it has done for me) the whole what are you looking for thing comes up them being honest is a plus and would not put me off.

You both need to know what you are in it for, if one of you is wanting just a fling and the other is just wanting to settle then that's not a good combination. However getting to know each other to see if your goals are compatible makes sense.

I am not personally freaked out by the prospect of settling down and if I was dating somebody who said that they would eventually like to settle down in a couple of years I wouldn't run a mile. However if I had been seeing somebody for a couple months and then they started taking me to wedding shops then I may get concerned (been there before and it didn't end well).

Each to there own and all men are different, as are all women. Honesty is always the best policy but give it enough time to see whats what before making decisions.

S

[lovemuffin]

Well, here's the thing. There's no absolute way to tell a guy that you're looking to settle down with someone. BECAUSE the first few weeks are usually dedicated to finding what you like about a person. What you have in common. Not, "Hey, so would you marry me eventually, if were together down the line, 'cause I need to know by our third date."

Well... I wasn't planning to say it that way ("Hey, so would you marry...."). I was thinking of saying after about 2 months: "Hey, I'm looking for someone to settle down with and I'm just wondering where you're at and what you're looking for. I don't want to waste either of our time".. and see what he says. I did end up telling him the other day that I was hoping to have gotten married about 5 years ago.

[lovemuffin]

If the guy did actually say the thing above, I'd guess he isn't feeling that much in the way of attraction, and he is getting the impression you're too much into him, so he's afraid he will hurt you by not reciprocating, and is looking for a way out of this situation.

Does everyone else here think this is true?

[mafj99]

Does everyone else here think this is true?

I don't think that it is always true, personally I think it can depend a lot on the guy.

I can see Sixpacj's point and some guys may just use it as a get out, but not all guys. It all depends on what the guy is in the relationship for, if he is serious then it may be a very genuine question (as in my situation).

Sadly I don't think there is a easy answer.

S

[Junket]

Well... I wasn't planning to say it that way ("Hey, so would you marry...."). I was thinking of saying after about 2 months: "Hey, I'm looking for someone to settle down with and I'm just wondering where you're at and what you're looking for. I don't want to waste either of our time".. and see what he says. I did end up telling him the other day that I was hoping to have gotten married about 5 years ago.

Are you serious?

Jesus, how many men have have you scared off with that?

It sounds like they're being used, why do you want to settle down anyway? So you can have your little babies and have your little white picket fence? Do you even give a shit about who this guy is so long as he's bringing in money so you can live your adolescent little dream?

Where is this guy?

I want to tell him to steer clear of you.

[Gigabitch]

Wait, is it this guy?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28874-hanging-out-w-girl-having-sex-just-because-there-arent-other-options.html[/url]

[lovemuffin]

Are you serious?

Jesus, how many men have have you scared off with that?

It sounds like they're being used, why do you want to settle down anyway? So you can have your little babies and have your little white picket fence? Do you even give a shit about who this guy is so long as he's bringing in money so you can live your adolescent little dream?

Where is this guy?

I want to tell him to steer clear of you.

OK MR. ASS-UMPTION... For your information: I make quite a bit more $ than he does and have lived on my own for years. Also, I have dated guys who make a lot of $ and some who didn't make hardly any and I wouldn't have had a problem being the bread winner with them, except I didn't make enough to support both of us!

I would like to SHARE my life with someone (ie, have someone to come home to, have dinner with, go out with....) and actaully have NO INTEREST in breeding. But since the last few guys I dated USED ME AND LED ME ON ABOUT A SERIOUS FUTURE, I am not real interested in wasting my time!

Does that shed some light on YOUR SUPER-ADOLESCENT assumptions???