Why always the 'dilemmas'?

[Skoystah]

Well, I'm having another fight with my gf. We're already having a hard time, cos she (desperately) wants to get engaged, as i described in an earlier thread. I'm not ready for this, partly due to her 'mean' behavior.

Anyway, today, she came up with a 'test' again. This happened several times before, she putting me to choose between her and someone else ... Wanting me to unconditionally choose her 'side'... Today she said I should never talk to my best friend again, in other words 'him or me'. After having gone through this several times, I just ignored it, saying I don't play games like that, ofc with her being pissed as reaction ... The point is, that she 'supposedly' doesnt REALLY want me to not see my friend ever again etc .. she just wants me to say it, and feel like she's important to me.

Now I can understand she wants to feel more important ... but to me this just seems showing no respect whatsoever. Surely, if you love someone, you dont put em for impossible choices.. even if its only a test. Like I said, it happened before, when my parents were due to visit me (i live abroad), she made me blow their visit off ... i had to choose between her and my parents basically. Ofc later she claimed I just had to choose her, and everything wouldve been fine. Now call me stupid or not, but i dont feel like playing these mind games, it just seems idiotic and disrespectful to me. I know women tend to 'test', but this seems over the top to me.

Now ofc, she doesnt wanna talk, she wants me to 'give in'. But I've really had it... Dunno what I should do, beg on my knees for her? Lie, that I dont wanna see my friend, betraying him? I would never give up my best friend, he's called best friend for a reason.


Sigh, just another frustration added. My resilience shows now boundaries ....

[Spring Haze]

Have her choose between you being in her life, or her asinine tests. Give her an ultimatum. Not that you will...

[IndiReloaded]

Tell her she is important to you but that it is immature of her to ask you to choose b/c your close friends & family. Tell her they are also important to you. This is an important boundary for your relationship.

This is about control and her immaturity. Its doesn't matter that she 'doesn't mean it'--that just leads to confusing communication. Tell her to find another, more grown up way of asking for what she wants.

If she carries on, tho, you may be forced to dump her. Certainly, I wouldn't consider getting engaged to someone like this. Not at this time. If you do, it will only get worse. Good luck.

[GemStar]

After the first two paragraphs, I can already tell you.. She's a "controller." I have *3* experiences with chicks (or b****es) like this... I don't want to tell you what to do... but "controllers" will make you feel bad about EVERYTHING and purposely do things like that to make them back in control (through your "guilt.") Be aware!

And P.S.--- You can always take control of a "controller" girl by dumping her. She'll get all sad and sappy when you do so. Then you'll see who she really is. She'll probably come crawling back and show that she is somewhat of a loser.

[alovehangoverr]

... Why are you even with this girl?

She sounds like an immature child. Do you really see a future with her? Because it sounds like all you're going to be in for is more of her controlling behavior and tests to stroke her ego and make herself feel important.

The first time she made me choose between her and my family I would have bailed. It's one thing to want to feel important, it's another to put your partner through tests and punishments to get that feeling.

[Skoystah]

It's gotten alot worse now ....

I called her several times today, but all she said was 'did you make a choice?' .. to which I replied I'm not discussing it, hanging up. Tonight she came to my place furious, telling me to get out, or she would call the cops ... Then she came inside, grabbed a knife and pointed it at me, yelling I had to choose, her or my friend. Then she pointed it at herself, saying she would kill herself if I didnt choose... I was freaking out a bit I must admit :s Eventually I was forced to say that I 'picked her' .. what could i do :s she was hysterical ... I didnt want her to do anything stupid. Then later we started fighting again, and i said icouldnt REALLY ditch my best friend, so she went for the knife again ... again threatening to kill herself (god I feel like a fool writing this : / )

I tried to talk sense into her, saying that making me choose would lead to irrepairable damage, whatever I would pick. Picking her would mean losing a friend, for which i would 'hate' her ... picking him .. .well u know. I'm quite a rational person I like to think, so you can understand this I have a hard time grasping.

Anyway I halfly said again 'i pick you' ... so she would give me the knife ... Then I was telling her I cant go on like this ... that she's not normal ... Man I was going crazy.

Now she's sleeping in the other room, she told me to not call her anymore, not see her anymore.. Man through all of this she's acting its all MY fault? That it would be MY fault if she would kill herself? :s It's not my fault! I havent been perfect in this relationship, but I tried, really... I moved to another country for her!

Anyway, I cant go on... Its not the first time this happens, yet never so 'severe' as this. I mean i was actually scared... I just cant take it anymore. Ofc she would say If i would do everything she wants (which she thinks is NORMAL if i would love her) then things would be ok . BUt i think, if she's capable of such things, she can do it anytime. I cant take it anymore : / Ive given up my home to come live here and be with her, i found a job here, finally things were getting 'stable' ... but i cant go on I still love her so much, it breaks my heart, i dunno if i can let go ... but i must

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. She's asleep?

Now's your chance, Skoystah. RUN!

[IndiReloaded]

God, you poor man. Okay, here's what is going on. You won't like reading it tho:

She's manipulating you. Big time & you keep buying into it. You must be a really nice guy, or very (unrealistically) optimistic.

What she has been doing to you, re: marriage, is called 'push-pull'. Its a standard psych technique. Reel you in with all the lovie-dovie stuff (pull) and then hit you hard (the push) with marriage.

She doesn't sound like she loves you. Sorry. If she did, she wouldn't be doing this to you. Don't be confused, you are going to think of all the things she says/does that make you think she loves you. But pay attention:

What she loves is how YOU make HER feel.

Read it again. Now, decide if this makes sense.

When you give her what she wants, when you cave to her demands, life is honey & roses. Right? When its not, tho, what do you get? Anger, grief, withholding sex, threats to breakup, ultimatums.

That's not love. Not by a long shot. Someone who loves you would understand you and your fears & concerns about marriage.

Now, I also think you have some concerns about this particular gal & how suitable she might be for you, longterm. And well you should, she sounds like an immature bitch at best & a nutcase at worst. If I were you, I'd start making plans to detach myself from her. What you see now will not change just b/c you marry her. If anything, it will make your situation worse. She will have found a way to manipulate you.

If you need more convincing, how about this: Do you really want to have kids, raise a family with a woman who would hold a knife to her own throat b/c she's not getting what she wants? Whether she meant it or not is not the issue. In fact, if she actually meant it, then at least that means she is insane & needs help. But that's not what happened, I suspect. This sounds very calculated to me.

I'm sorry, babe, this has happened to you. You took a chance moving to where this gal is. You are awesome for doing so. But, isn't that the whole reason for this experiment? To *find out* if you two are compatible, or not?

I think you have your answer. All the best, hun. Life goes on.

[Skoystah]

Finally an opportunity to post again. After our 'little' fight on Friday, when she 'cooled down' a bit, I went to the other room and tried to talk to her... she was crying ... we started talking about our future. I told her it was getting too hard for me, that I couldnt live with her, or without her. When a breakup actually became a 'possibility', it hit me and I couldn't help from crying :s The thought of not being with her anymore, probably never seeing her irl again made me cry so much. Then she said I should decide, that I couldnt do it to her to keep her in the dark (I suppose she's right about that). Then I said I couldnt do it anymore, that it would be better for us to be apart.

Then she went to the room ... I followed her ... and to make a long story straight, we decided to keep trying to be together. She said she would change. She said its all cos of all the problems she had in her youth (admitted, she did have a rough time, and bad things happening to her). I couldnt let her go, even though deep down I dont feel 100% that i want to stay with her I just felt then, that i wanted to make peace, to give me time to think, to evaluate.

I know she loves me (at least she says it), I know I love her. I know she's nervous for the slightest thing, cos of what happened to her in the past. But should I stay with her, and give her credit cos of that? Would i be selfish to leave her, cos she's doing these things? Surely it's the point that we're both happy?

It's too hard, I cant decide. This friday I was never closer to a breakup, yet at the very last moment it was still too hard. I know that if i move out and breakup, its definite, I cant move to her country again, cos breaking up would mean moving back to my country.

If i read your message IndiReloaded, in a way I totally recognize the situation, but somehow I cant believe she's that vile, and she doesnt really love me ... Or maybe the truth is hard to believe : /

[sine24]

well you're not getting on one knee like she wanted in the first place, so now she's making you go on your knees in the only way she can. don't do it...

[alovehangoverr]

I sincerely hope you don't honestly believe that by her saying she's going to change that it will actually happen.. at least on her own.

Her tests, her games, her freak outs, her suicidal threats, grabbing a knife, etc.. all attribute to some VERY SERIOUS mental issues. Seriously. She's not going to be able to change that on her own. If she's blaming it on her past, she needs to get SERIOUS HELP to deal with it.

If I were you, I'd bail. Threatening you, herself, any of that is so beyond the concept of a normal healthy relationship that it doesn't sound like you have much to hold onto.

[Lipp]

Therapy, tbh. If that's what you're facing I reckon it has passed by the "solve it on your own" stage a while back.

[Skoystah]

Another update, cos I just can't stop pondering It's always been hard for me to make decisions, even for the simplest things. You can imagine it took quite a while for me to decide to move here (and guess what, she more or less put pressure on that as well, ofcourse later saying she didnt really mean that ... like she does with everything).

The feeling of wanting to go back home, quitting this gets stronger every fight. Everytime we fight, argue I feel it coming up. At this moment things are going 'fine' again, or if you can call it like that. She's saying she loves me, misses me, she's being sweet ... and at moments like that those feelings are not much present. But theyre still there, as is the knowledge that fights like in my previous post will probably happen again ... like when she feels the urge again to engage.

Man it's so hard ... or am I just too weak to choose I can't just keep postponing it ... ruin my life making the wrong choice At the moment I don't see a future with her ... not like this. I'm just living from day to day, seeing what happens, but before i know it we'll be 5 years further like this I feel like i didnt enjoy life yet even :s I would be doing so many more things if i wouldnt be with her ( or maybe thats thinking selfish .. I do like doing things with her still but ... its complicated)

She's telling me she just wants to have dreams, telling me I ruined those dreams, when i said i dont want to marry/engage. I try to clarify that i said i didnt want that NOW, cos im not ready (which she doesnt understand).

Anyway, it happened again .. we had a HUGE fight, and now the storm has passed, and im back to my old status quo, completely indecisive. I keep asking other ppl for help, but what will that do

Why does she have to be so sweet (when not fighting) : / Why do i love her so much

[alovehangoverr]

It really sounds like you know what you need to do. Do you really think you'd have the feelings of wanting to leave so often if you were seriously interested in continuing this relationship?

You can't give her what she needs.

She can't give you what you need.

I think what you need to realize is that she's always going to be sweet when things are going her way. It seems fairly obvious to me that when things don't go the way she wants is when she turns into a complete psychopath.

Are you really willing to walk on eggshells with her until another fight happens? Are you willing to give up the things you could be doing in your life to be with her? Are you willing to give up friends/family/etc if she puts you through tests involving them just to keep her happy? Are you willing to talk her out of threatening to harm herself or you with a knife/other things when she gets too upset?

The big question is-- do you really see yourself with this person 5 years down the line?

Another huge question-- what is she doing to actually change her behavior besides being lovey dovey to you? Is she getting therapy?

She isn't going to be able to change these behavioral patterns on her own.

[IndiReloaded]

I'll repeat it for you to think about:

What she loves is how YOU make HER feel.

You see the other posts: she is still manipulating you. You are still buying into it. The fact that she may not even realize it doesn't change things.

I can see what she is getting from this drama. Its not clear to me what YOU are getting, tho.

Sure, you can feel sorry for her upbringing, history, etc. But that changes nothing about the fact she is acting like a complete nutcase NOW and dragging you down into the abyss.

Is this really what you want, longterm? Is this really the kind of person you want raising your kids?

She needs counselling. No question. You are going to need some too soon, if you keep up. Have you read the Sticky: White Knight Syndrome? You need to, b/c that's the codependent relationship this gal has sucked you into.

Anyway, up to you, its your life. You aren't married *yet* so there is still escape possible for you. But if you marry her, then you WILL be obligated to take on her issues as your own. If that floats your boat, cool. Personally, I think there are much better things to be spending time & effort on. There are LOTS of healthy girls out there, I think you should try to find one & let this one go.

It is NOT your fault she is nuts. It is not your responsibility. You know this, you just gotta believe it.

Good luck doll.

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