Seriously? WHAT is he doing?

[t0ri]

So back in February, my boyfriend of over two years told me he wanted a break. A week later, I logged onto facebook/myspace and saw that he had deleted every picture or mention of me, and changed his relationship status to "single." His coward ass dumps me like THAT? So the next day I show up at his house to hear the words come out of his mouth, and he tells me he wants a breakup, not a break. It was out of the blue for me, but obviously not for him.

So we don't talk for three weeks, during which he sends me two text messages - one getting mad at me for doing something since we've broken up that he wanted me to do the whole time we dated, and the other saying he is so much happier without me. Both times he was drunk, and I didn't reply to either. Also during this time, he talks about wanting to screw other women and drinks and smokes a whole bunch.

So another week goes by, and I decide I need to get rid of his crap that I have. So I put it all into a trash bag and walk up to his apartment porch to drop it off, and of course, he opens his back patio door and walks out as I'm walking up. Long story short, we discuss what happened to our relationship and end up having great sex and spent the whole next day together.

The entire week following this we discuss exactly what went wrong in our relationship from each of our perspectives. He then begins telling me he misses me, has realized what he has lost, and that I have every quality he wants in a woman. He says that he only acted the way he did the first 3 weeks (wanting to have sex with other women, getting drunk, smoking the green) because he was covering up his feelings. And now it has sunk in, and he misses me and said he shouldn't have broken up with me.

And again, this past weekend, we spent each night together and really enjoyed our time together. We did have sex. He wanted to see me again on Tuesday, so he came over. He keeps saying that he wants to be with me, and is still in love with me, and is not interested in hooking up or meeting other girls, but does not want to "date" me right now because he needs some time to himself and time away from fighting. Time to be able to do whatever he wants apparently. I got annoyed that he doesn't want ALL of me, just the good times, and he wants to blow off our problems for awhile because he's sick of fighting. So I tell him it's not fair that he's getting perks of being in a committed relationship with me, without being committed to me whatsoever. This conversation continues and he ends up saying that he does not want to lose me, so we'll just be on a "break."

So I guess I'm asking, "what is he doing?" I don't want to be naive and let him string me along, which I'm afraid is what is happening. But at the same time, I want to believe what he's telling me. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and talks to me everyday (not nearly as much as when we dated though). And we've been falling asleep together on the phone every night (something we did the entire time we dated).

I guess it just doesn't make sense to me and doesn't feel right that he's acting this way and saying he's still in love with me, etc., but still does not want to date. We have broken up a few times before, and got back together after a very short period and nothing ever changes. So he says we have to have an actual break up this time, and find our independence again, before we can get back together, otherwise our old problems will resurface.

By the way, we're both 21. He lost his virginity to me, and we're each other's first serious, long-term, relationships. We're each other's first loves.

Opinions PLEASE!?!?!

[Naples]

Oh boy. I'm sorry, dear, I realize I'm not a guy--and this is the Ask a Guy Forum, so I won't mince words. I'll keep my response short. He wants to see if he can do better, but keep you on reserve. And it doesn't help that every time you see him you have sex with him. Take the sex away FOR SURE...if I were you I wouldn't see him at all. But given your history, I can see you're not gonna go cold turkey. He has very little respect or regaurd for your feelings. Tapper off contact with him...and again,can't stress enough NO SEX. Best of luck.

[lahnnabell]

The fact that you are each other's first loves is exactly why he's doing this. You're both young and he is freaked out by the prospect of settling down with one person. My guess is that during those first few weeks, sure, he was hurting a bit, but he was also going out and trying to get some ass. His ploys probably didn't have the effect he'd planned for and is now missing his regular play thing: you.

You guys are having sex and spending every minute together because you are co-dependent and have low self-esteem and his ego is sore from not getting stroked at all in the last few weeks.

He's been clever about blinding you with sweet and loving talks in order to get this "break" he so badly wants. The only reason couples ever say that they want a break to find their independence is when they're insecure about being alone. No one finds their independence in just a few weeks or months. That takes years of experience, and pain, and break ups, and living, and being with yourself. So, if you want to be on the back burner for an indefinite period of time, then go ahead.

[Gigabitch]

Is it this guy?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/28908-going-circles.html[/url]

[alovehangoverr]

I've definitely been through this.

Listen, you guys were together for a long time and breaking up with someone you've been with for a while and been fairly serious with is really difficult.

So you pull the "I want a break," card. A "break" more times than not means "break up." Which you've now experienced first hand.

This whole him telling you he misses you/cares about you/doesn't want to lose you stuff? It's pretty much him fearing that he's not going to find someone else, or if he does and it doesn't work out he's got you nice and cozy on the backburner.

If he didn't want to lose you he'd put the relationship title back on and be with you. Not tell you "hey honey, let's keep having sex and hanging out/acting like a couple.. but forget that committment stuff because I don't want to deal with the fights."

Do yourself a favor and give him what he really wants-- a break up. Stop falling asleep with him on the phone, stop having sex with him, stop all communication.

[misombra]

...and end up having great sex...

...We did have sex...

he is using you for this!

[carl1222]

he is using you for this!

I respect your posts, misombra ... but not every problem can be explained by men's selfish sexual urges ... this seems a bit more complex that.

Beyond that, t0ri ... your assessmnent that he wants only the good and none of the work is spot on. Tell him he's either in or he's out. If he's in ... stop the break (breakup) s**t. If he's out, find another guy who is willing to do the heavy lifting!

Carl.

[tooxshort]

I don't know if it's just sex he's after ... but more or less the ability to say he has a girl ... that doesn't mean he's WITH a girl ... just that he has one.

It sounds more like he's keeping you at bay until he finds something better (or he can get). The "break" is a common thing people use to hold on to intimacy and have the "perks" of being in a relationship, but with the full capability of searching for something better. Also, a "break" creates false hope and, as I've used in high school, is a way of letting someone go without dumping them ... It keeps the cord connected until the harsh realization that the other has moved on and you're still waiting.

Just let it go and move on ... The runaround isn't worth it ... especially at your age.

[Lonely Island]

Dump his sorry ass

You deserve better

[LoveHurts09]

so the point is dont take him too seriously until he takes u seriously.
maybe he is just wondering what else is out there or maybe he is just having second thoughts about being with u in general.

[Mish]

So I guess I'm asking, "what is he doing?"

He keeps saying that he wants to be with me, and is still in love with me, and is not interested in hooking up or meeting other girls, but does not want to "date" me right now because he needs some time to himself and time away from fighting. Time to be able to do whatever he wants apparently. I got annoyed that he doesn't want ALL of me, just the good times, and he wants to blow off our problems for awhile because he's sick of fighting. So I tell him it's not fair that he's getting perks of being in a committed relationship with me, without being committed to me whatsoever. This conversation continues and he ends up saying that he does not want to lose me, so we'll just be on a "break."

I think that pretty much answers your question tori ^^^

The real question is what are you going to do?

[misombra]

I respect your posts, misombra ... but not every problem can be explained by men's selfish sexual urges ... this seems a bit more complex that.

Beyond that, t0ri ... your assessmnent that he wants only the good and none of the work is spot on. Tell him he's either in or he's out. If he's in ... stop the break (breakup) s**t. If he's out, find another guy who is willing to do the heavy lifting!

Carl.

omg two in a row! carl is starting to become a fan...

[atenn]

It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds but is afraid to lose you. It really sounds like he wants to explore for a while and have you wait for him.

[Lite]

He's either using you for sex, keeping you as a backup, or he has issues to work out and is being unfair by asking you to 'wait' for him.

It's one of the three, some are better than others, but really they're all selfish (Which we all are at times, but in this case he's asking you to put your life on hold and not being up-front with you.)

[t0ri]

I've been keeping my distance and not texting him first (juvenile, but true), and sometimes I won't text back when he texts me. We've been falling asleep together on the phone, like I said, but last night we both fell asleep without doing that. So today he text me and apologized for not calling me last night to fall asleep together, then said I love you. Then he text me a few hours later saying, "thinking of you...text me when you wake up baby." And continued to say a few sweet things like that throughout the day, along with small talk.

I'm beginning to not miss him or think about him as much because I'm getting really annoyed with all this confusion. I'm more mad than hurt now. He misses me, tells me he loves me throughout the day, blah blah blah, but won't date me till HE'S ready. He's the one that broke up with me, yet I'm the one who's still chasing him? He should be chasing ME if he really loves me and whatever, but I think he's comfortable where he's at because he knows I'm waiting for him. I've finally realized what I'm doing...and it's unfair and unjust for myself.

I guess the first step I'll take is not seeing him anymore. Therefore, no more sex. But he's been wanting to "start over" and take me on an "official real date" soon...SO I should reject that??? I want to believe he's being genuine but...

I'm scared what all or most of you are saying is true. He's putting me on the backburner in case something better comes along. I also think he's just really immature and wants to be single, not specifically to find someone else, but to have his freedom back and not have someone to account or be obligated to. I honestly don't think he's using me for sex, though. But the backup method...probably.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and give him his space and time apart (even though he still is texting/calling me? weird...), yet I won't wait forever. But you guys think I should just get out now, stop communication, rather than give him say...another month, then get out if he's not ready to be "all in?"

What makes some sense to me, is that he has NOTHING to compare me to. He's never had a long-term girlfriend besides me, never had sex with anyone else, never been in love with anyone but me, so...he doesn't realize how great he had it. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better ha.